Set boundaries of health as part of recovery

Scott Brassart

When I entered recovery, I thought I had boundaries. I was wrong. What I have is a very thick, very high set of barbed wires above the walls. I drew a huge smiley face outside those walls, so you think I’m a good person. But sometimes, the smiley mouth will open and I will vomit something unpleasant to you.

Anyway, that’s how I portray it in my mind.

I hope you think I’m a good person (even if I’m not) and like me (even if I don’t like myself). But I won’t be vulnerable in any way to get you in. In no case, I will let you see who I am. At the same time, I can invade your space at will whenever I attack. Impulses happen often. You do not allow comments on my thoughts or actions or correcting my mistakes. once. But I can do all these things for you, totally expecting you to listen and pay attention.

I thought: If you all behave in the way I want you to behave, the world will be a better place. And if you follow this, even if things are a little bad in the rest of the world, the little corner of Minecraft may be more pleasant. As an addict, I don’t care much about your problem. I wanted what I wanted, and I wanted it a few minutes ago.

Not surprisingly, the first (and most useful) I learned as part of my recovery involves healthier boundaries. These lessons don’t describe me as a new way of thinking about human boundaries, but that’s what they are. These courses are as follows:

1. If I want to be better, I will have to start trusting others with my own truth.
2. The only person I can control is me.

In the early days of sobering, these thoughts were fascinating, novel, and difficult to get around my head. I have been pushing people away all my life or trying to control their thoughts and actions. Sometimes, I try to do both at the same time. Suddenly, I was told I needed to do the exact opposite. That was really scary. How would I stay safe if I don’t control your access in your thoughts and actions nearby and in your thoughts and actions?

Over time, I learned that the boundaries of health are not about keeping others away. Instead, the boundaries of health are to let others join safely. At the same time, they prevent me from invading your space in ways that violate health boundaries. More importantly, my boundaries should never be to control your behavior. Instead, my boundaries are about my own behavior. I have the right to experience my thoughts, my feelings and my sense of reality. In turn, your right is right.

We might get along well if I respect your boundaries and respect mine. If you act in a way that is safe for me, I can let you in. Over time, I may learn to trust you, and I may be willing to let you see the real me – even the part that I feel ashamed of. If I act in a way that is safe for you, you have the option to let me in and the same trust process may happen again, but as I begin to understand the real you.

This is what the therapist calls intimate connection. The bond is formed when two people respect each other’s boundaries and slowly recognize and trust each other. It could be romantic, it could be friendship, it could be something else. But there is a link that hasn’t been before, so both sides are better.

Building meaningful relationships by building and maintaining healthy boundaries is a great process. This is what I did, too no Be an active addict (frankly, even before my addiction began). So as part of my ongoing recovery process, I had to learn how to become vulnerable in a way that was safe for me. I also have to learn to respect the right of others to think and act when making choices.

Both lessons are difficult and I still violate my (and your) boundaries. That said, I removed the walls and fake smiley faces in a general way, and I let people see the real me. (I’ve been through a lot of deep shame, so it’s easier than before.) I also learned that if I try to control the thoughts and behaviors of others, then everything I’ll get will be frustrated because you don’t want to be under my control, not I want to be under your control.

Over time, the boundaries of health have become a key aspect of my recovery and I am so grateful (most of the time) to be able to set them up and keep them. This allowed me to be well known with a great group of friends (even the secrets I thought I would bring to the grave). This ability and willingness to be intimate when I enter healing is not what I expect or even hoped, but what I appreciate most is one of the gifts of healing.

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If you or a loved one is struggling with sexual, pornography, or material/sex addiction, seeking integrity can help. In addition to residential rehabilitation, we offer low-cost online workgroups for both male addicts and male porn addicts, which is a new rehabilitation. Click here for information about our Sex Addiction Working Group. Click here for information about our Porn Addiction Working Group.