Disquiet: Our guilty little secret

Scott Brassart

The world can be a negative place. If we’re not careful, we can easily find ourselves thinking about the shortcomings (or potential shortcomings) of every person, place, and situation we find ourselves in. Sometimes we can accept this negativity and live with it, ruminating endlessly, developing resentment, and just watching the world burn (in our minds).

I call this phenomenon “disruption.” With unease, we find ourselves living in the (potential) ruins of the future. No matter how unlikely the worst-case scenario we imagine actually is, we consider it. Often for hours on end. Over time, our persistent negativity can turn into an addiction—a behavior we use to escape reality.

For us, disaster lurks around every corner and there is nothing we can do about it. Of course, maybe someone will step in and save us, but that’s unlikely. Even if someone does save us, they probably won’t save us around the next corner, where greater danger is certainly lurking. Because that’s how life is. At least, that’s what life is like for the chronically restless.

When we feel upset, we can transform ourselves (in our minds) from being completely normal to being homeless, friendless, and dead in a ditch in our dirty underwear. (If you’re wondering where that last bit comes from, I’ll tell you that dying in a ditch in your dirty underwear was my mother’s number one fear, and she passed it on to me. So, you know, thank you, Mom.) My point here is that dysphoria is a painful experience.

But we still do it. We can’t seem to help ourselves. Why? Maybe it’s because the intensity of insecurities drives us out of our minds, just as the intensity of addiction drives us out of our minds. If we focus on our impending doom, it will be difficult to worry about current problems that we don’t want to deal with. Instead of paying our bills, we feel uneasy. Instead of taking the car in for repairs, we upset them. Instead of going to the doctor for an annual checkup, we feel uneasy (often thinking about the life-threatening illness our doctor will almost certainly find).

So, what can we do to stop bothering? First, we can stop living in the ruins of the future and start living in the present. Because usually, whatever we’re using our insecurity to escape from isn’t as bad as the insecurity itself. For me, this means asking “Where are my feet?” This little trick forces me to pay attention to where I am and what I need to do at any given moment. I also find meditation, mindfulness, yoga, breathing, and other foundational techniques helpful.

Other useful tools include:

• gratitude: In my experience, creating a ten-item gratitude list is a great way to combat insecurities. Research actually agrees with this strategy, finding that happy people are grateful people, and grateful people are also happy people. It doesn’t matter what a person has (or doesn’t have), if that person is sincerely grateful, that person is likely to be happy.
• Can (rather than can’t): As disruptors, we tend to focus on what we can’t do and ignore what we can do. Of course, this fuels our negative thoughts. To combat this, we have to stop focusing on what we can’t do and start celebrating what we can do. Then we must take practical action doing our things able. When we do this, we develop what’s called obstacle immunity, which means we learn how to face and overcome life’s obstacles. Often, when we develop immunity to obstacles, we find that we actually and enjoy facing and overcoming life’s challenges.
• Affirmative sentences: Okay, you’re imagining Stuart Smalley saturday night live. Me too, that’s fine too. Because sure does feel a bit cliche. But they also work. They work especially well when they are phrased in the present as if they are already real rather than aspirational, and when they are said out loud at least three times a day for at least 30 days. I found that after about two weeks they started to take effect and change my mind. (If you are having trouble coming up with positive affirmations, I provide a list of 60 good affirmations on the Seeking Integrity Treatment Center website. Click here to access the list.)

In any case, it’s wise to remember the words of the Roman philosopher Seneca: “A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, and wishes not to receive what he has not received.” Happiness only occurs when we can accurately enjoy the present moment, rather than destroying the wreckage of our past or worrying about the potential wreckage of our future. Only when we are content with what we have can we experience true happiness.

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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity provides inpatient treatment for people with sex, pornography, and substance/sex addictions, as well as low-cost online work groups. Meanwhile, SexandRelationshipHealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and drop-in discussion groups, podcasts, and more.

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