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Prioritizing is the latest relationship “trend”—even though I personally don’t like calling it a trend because it implies the concept might fade away. Because it’s a dating style that I can actually get behind.
But what exactly is it? If we boil the whole concept down to its core, does it still have anything to do with a healthy, meaningful sex life? Let’s dig a little deeper.
Who starts setting priorities?
The term was first coined by dating coach and relationship expert Laurel House of eharmony.
“Prioritize dating with a purpose, with the goal of finding someone who can meet your most important needs in a relationship.”
Laurel House
Now, this may sound strange (or even ridiculous) to a lot of people. However, for anyone who has used a dating app (and I say this because I have personally used one myself and have professionally tested it), you know that it is this pile of garbage…
- Scammers and bots trying to trick you
- People who treat others as “human toilet paper”
- Cheaters, liars and hurtful people
- Ordinary madman
Yet even when people manage to navigate the infuriating twists and turns of the dating maze, there are still countless dates that go awry because someone didn’t click or check enough boxes.
But apparently, everyone is doing it wrong (at least that’s what Laurel House thinks).
“Historically, many people have dated based on a wish list — many of which are superficial or poorly thought out — rather than the core values and needs that influence your future and sustain a relationship.”
Laurel House
So what exactly is prioritization?
Essentially, it’s about sitting down and having an honest conversation with yourself about what the most important thing you need from a partner/relationship is. One thing.
Now, stick with me, because even I was skeptical when I first read it. But then I did more research and finally understood the essence of House’s message.
Using an example from another article, let’s say that what you need most is adventure. This is the one thing you can’t live without in life, and it’s a necessity in your soul mate. After you make adventure a priority, your social life will revolve around cultivating this quality. For example, join groups that help you meet other adventurous people.
But there is one more important thing you need to prioritize…
you.
Yes. Ultimately, it comes down to self-care and self-love. So if you need adventure, but laughter is important, find ways to meet that need elsewhere. It could be reading funny books or watching comedies. Maybe you have a friend who’s a total comedian. If you need respect, find ways to love and respect yourself.
That being said, prioritization does not include setting or not setting boundaries.
Let’s get back to the adventure part. If you need thrills and excitement to be happy, that doesn’t mean you have to accept someone who constantly disrespects you. Someone may be the best skydiver in the world, but that doesn’t mean you have to say yes and be with them forever. It’s your life and your happiness, and you can say no.
If I were to quote a lady I saw on one of the morning shows: “The key is to find what’s important and then throw away all the crap.”
What is nonsense? Does it involve sex?
Well, let’s say someone has a date checklist that includes things like “must be sexy” or “must be fashionably dressed.”
Whether we like it or not, someone who looks stunning every day is not essential to a person’s overall happiness. This is simply bullshit. Research has shown that most men and women don’t really want a supermodel. They want someone who ticks all the boxes (even if they don’t realize it).
Look at this list and decide what you personally choose as your top priorities.
- Respect, kindness, love to travel, patience, good with family, sense of humor, security, good in bed, maturity, honestyyessame religion, easy communication, same hobbies.
There is no right or wrong answer for your choice, but let me tell you how I personally choose.
I used to think security was important. But then I found ways to make myself financially secure. I built an independent life that didn’t need a partner. Then I invested in self-improvement and other ways to make sure I could take care of myself. I love to travel, so I took my first vacation alone and learned to love it. I now know that I don’t need someone to go with me. It’s okay to go on vacation alone. I have hobbies that I enjoy, and it doesn’t matter if they are different hobbies.
Finally, I decided that “respect” was my top priority.
If they respect me then kindness, love, honesty etc will naturally follow. If not then I won’t settle (as mentioned before).
That’s the essence of prioritization. You learn to satisfy yourself as much as possible so that you’re not dependent on others to make you feel complete (which is not healthy anyway).
The concept has been around for a long time, it just has a newfangled name and a set of instructions that are relevant to today’s thinking.
But what about sex?
Well, let’s start with a well-known fact. A large percentage of women do not have an orgasm from penetration. I’m not going to give an actual number because that number is likely to change as the world becomes more open to sexual pleasure etc.
Additionally, sex may simply not be on some people’s radar due to stress, depression, workload, and other burdens the world throws at us. For anyone who has children, they will tell you that there is a certain period of time when sex is simply out of the question.
Would you be miserable without sex or without kindness?
What if sex is important to you?
Well, let’s change the concept from sex to close instead.
First, there are many ways to connect with your partner without having to be in bed. And, if they’re not great in bed, So why not try mutual masturbation or using sex toys? Playing adult board games, sensual massage or books that give you “daily homework” (But you don’t have to do it every day if you don’t want to.) If you and your partner are more open, maybe you can find a part-time sex partner.
Sex and passion have evolved to encompass so much more over the last few decades. So if you find someone who meets your needs but the sex isn’t that great, there are ways to fix that. Just like if your partner hates traveling and you love traveling, there are ways to fix that.
No one person can satisfy all your needs. That’s a fact.
However, it’s worth mentioning again that if sex is a very important part of your needs, then it’s perfectly OK to say “no” and move on to looking for someone else.
Prioritize the outcome
After looking at all of this, the concept of priority really boils down to
- Choose a quality you can’t live without
- Build your dating life around meeting new people who bring this quality to you
- Understand what other important qualities you will set boundaries for
- Accept that no one can fulfill your wishes 100% of the time
- Learn to satisfy yourself in as many other ways as possible
- Put aside the superficial nonsense
It allows you to narrow down the “possibles” from the hundreds of useless people on countless dating apps to the one who could actually be your soul mate.
Yes, sex can be part of it if you let it.