Understand and learn from mistakes and relapses

Scott Brassat

Sadly, lapses and relapses are common in the early stages of recovery from sex and porn addiction. Knowing this, recovering addicts must understand that a temporary return to the psychological temptations of addiction is not the end of the world. Nor does it mean they have failed. Rather, it is an opportunity to learn and to reaffirm and hopefully strengthen their commitment to a different way of living in the future.

Yes, some addicts are lucky. They create their own “circle plan” and stick to it from the beginning. However, most people will hit some bumps and relapse at least once or twice. Regardless, the process of recovery and treatment is progress, not perfection. No addict ever fully recovers, and no addict should expect to ever fully recover.

Sex and porn addicts should also realize that losing control and relapsing are not the same thing.

• slip: This is a brief, mostly unintentional relapse. Sometimes, unexpected stressors or a poorly constructed Circle Plan can lead to a relapse. Relapses can be managed and contained through prompt and honest disclosure. must Tell others (therapists, 12-step sponsors, accountability partners, and supportive friends in recovery) about this event if they want to get back on track.
• relapse: This happens when the addict hides his or her transgressions, choosing to minimize, rationalize, hide, and/or justify his or her behavior, thereby setting the stage for increasingly frequent and increasingly severe transgressions. Before long, the addict is back to square one: battling an addiction that is completely out of control.

Common warning signs of lapses and relapses include:

• Overconfidence: “Things are going really well. Maybe I’ve gotten over this and can let my guard down.”
• reject: “See, I can stop watching porn without any effort. Now that I’ve proven this, I can watch it like a normal person without worrying about the consequences.”
• isolation: “I can handle this on my own. I don’t need to go to therapy or 12-step meetings or hang out with other recovering addicts.”
• Making excuses: “I know it’s dangerous to be alone in front of a computer, but I need to stay in the office late to finish this important project.”
• To set up slippery conditions: “I know that free time is a huge trigger for me, but I need some downtime. So, this weekend, when my wife and kids are not home, I plan to relax instead of scheduling a green circle activity.”
• Ignoring or devaluing supporter feedback: “The people in my therapy group and online workgroup just want to control me. They want me to do things that might work for them, but they really don’t understand my situation.”
• rationalization: “When I’m traveling for work, it’s OK for me to do that. When I’m in another state, my sobriety rules no longer apply.”

As mentioned above, lapses and relapses are not the end of the world. Recovering sex and porn addicts (and their support networks) should not view these events as unsolvable disasters, but rather as learning opportunities. Setbacks should be viewed as problems to be explored and learned from, rather than as personal failures.

After withdrawal or relapse, addicts can work with knowledgeable people to explore the feelings and thoughts that led them to relapse, identify the triggers that pushed them over the edge, and think about how they can handle the same or similar situations differently in the future. They should also explore other situations in which withdrawal might occur and plan ways to cope with those situations. If necessary, they can strengthen their circle program.

Slips can still hurt people!

While it is quite common to lose control and relapse in the early stages of recovery, this does not mean that recovering sex and porn addicts should feel like they can continue to lose control. While they should not devalue themselves after a loss of control, they need to have empathy for their partner who has been betrayed by them again and is now very angry.

Take the story of Kelsie, the long-term partner of a porn addict.

Kelsey had known for years that her husband viewed pornography, but she had no idea of ​​the extent or nature of his use of it until she stumbled upon his search history while trying to find a website she had visited the previous week. She was shocked to discover that her husband was actually spending hours watching pornography while supposedly working late, often missing family dinners, and leaving her alone many evenings.

When Kelsey confronted her husband, he admitted what he had done and agreed to get treatment for his porn addiction. He did well in rehab, and when he returned home, he took the CSAT and attended 12-step meetings regularly. He even found a sponsor and started following the steps.

A few months later, just as Kelsey was beginning to feel like things were getting back to normal, she learned that her husband had begun viewing “non-pornographic” images of women in swimsuits during times of stress at work. He had always defended himself by saying that this behavior wasn’t “real porn,” so he wasn’t causing any problems. Of course, Kelsey thought differently.

For Kelsey, the walls came crashing down again. It didn’t matter to her what her partner was watching. What mattered was that he had once again hidden, lied, and betrayed her trust. All the trauma she’d experienced when she first learned of his actions came back—but with an extra layer of pain because this time he’d betrayed her, knowing full well how much it would hurt her.

Like most couples who have experienced betrayal, Kelsey began to question the relationship. Was her partner truly in recovery? Could her partner rebuild trust with her? Should she give him another chance, or should she leave him? Kelsey’s emotions were as low as when she first discovered his addiction.

Whether their partner finds out or not, any sex or porn addict who is out of control must be honest about the situation immediately, confessing to a therapist, 12-step counselor, and social support group. Recovering addicts make these loving and empathetic connections for a reason, and now is a great time to take advantage of them. If an out-of-control addict is unable or unwilling to ask for help, their descent will almost certainly continue, culminating in a full-blown relapse. However, if that person reaches out for help, they can regain sobriety and recovery.

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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex or porn addiction, help is available. For porn addicts, Seeking Integrity offers a series of low-cost online workshops. Click here for details. We offer a similar series of workshops for sex addicts. Click here for details.