These Sex Myths Could Be Impacting Your Relationship

9 min read

Problems in the bedroom aren’t necessarily a sign of a relationship on the rocks, but rather, a belief in faulty sex myths.

No matter where in the world we grow up, most of us are subjected to harmful myths about sex from a young age.

Be it through the media, Hollywood films or pornography, these sexual myths etch their way into our brains. So much so, that when sex doesn’t go smoothly, we often believe something is wrong with us or our partner – when that very likely isn’t the case. 

As a sex therapist and intimacy coach, I help people with all kinds of sexual and relationship difficulties. Here are a few of the common sex myths I see that wreak havoc on romantic partnerships.

Harmful sex myths

Desire is always spontaneous

At the beginning of relationships sexual desire often feels spontaneous. It hits us like a bolt of lightning seemingly out of nowhere and all we can think about is enmeshing our body with the other. 

Over time, this kind of “out of the blue” desire often peters off. Behind it, questions and confusion settle in the dust – because if you’re still in love with someone, why don’t you want them all the time? The way you used to?

The reasons are often many, but one big reason is that our sex drive, despite what the word implies, isn’t just a basic biological urge. In fact, it’s complex and often a reaction to something – a touch that feels good, a smell that’s divine, a heart-to-heart with our partner of years or decades. 

This means you can learn to cultivate more desire, if you want to. And this is great news for couples with mismatched libidos or those who feel they have no sex drive. Because it’s usually there lurking in the background, you just have to learn to access it. 

The more sex – the healthier the relationship

One popular sex we tend to believe is that sexual frequency is a barometer of relationship health. And while this can certainly be the case, it isn’t set in stone. In fact, a study from Social Psychological and Personality Science found that couples who had sex once a week, were happier than couples who had sex more than once a week. 

But while this is certainly interesting from a statistical point of view – it doesn’t say anything about the health of your relationship. Because what sex means to us, the needs it fulfils and the closeness it creates, is all personal. 

In fact, the more important factor, seen from a sex therapist and coach’s perspective, is how much pleasure you’re experiencing.

If you’re having unsatisfying sex five times a week, it’s not going to improve your relationship. And it will likely only decrease your desire to have it over time. However, if you’re having really great sex once a month, it will likely infuse your relationship with more energy. Quality over frequency!

‘Vanilla sex’ is boring

Vanilla – a great flavour of ice cream or bland and basic? Regardless of your ice cream tastes, if your sex life or sexual preferences have ever been described as ‘vanilla’, it likely didn’t feel great.

The term ‘vanilla sex’ is a colloquial term referring to sex that’s unadventurous and mainstream. More conservative sex, if you’d like. 

But here’s the thing about sex – vanilla or kinky – you get to decide what is boring and what is exciting to you. While it may sometimes seem like everybody else is dabbling in anal sex, whips, or getting it on in sex swings, that’s not the case. Nor does it matter even if it were! 

All kinds of sex are good enough, and at the end of the day, it’s not the acts themselves that matter. It’s how they make us feel – that matters the most. 

Men want sex more than women

One of the most common sexual myths out there is this one; men are walking hormones – and women prefer chocolate over sex. 

The fact of the matter is, the research shows a different picture. While it’s true men tend to have a slightly higher libido on average – the biggest desire differences are found within the gender groups. 

This means there are larger differences in libido between all women and all men, than there are between men and women. While science hasn’t called it yet, I think it’s safe to assume the same probably goes for people elsewhere on the gender spectrum too.

When looking at gendered desire differences, it’s also important to consider the reasons why there seem to be slight differences.

For instance, in heterosexual relationships, a lot of women aren’t orgasming nearly as often as their male partners. This is referred to as the orgasm gap and often has its roots in the vaginal penetration norm (which we’ll talk about in more detail in the sex myth below). 

This means they’re less likely to be guaranteed a good time in bed. And if sex isn’t all that great – why would you want it as much as your male partner who presumably orgasms nearly every time?

All women and people with vulvas orgasm from vaginal penetration

We live in a culture that’s pretty penetration-obsessed. In heterosexual relationships vaginal penetration is usually seen as the one “true” sex act, leaving everything else to be deemed foreplay.

But while penetrative sex can be pleasurable regardless of sex – it’s not the best way for those with vulvas to orgasm. Not even close. In fact, it’s a total sex myth that often leads to less satisfying sex.

Because most women and people with vulvas need external clitoral stimulation to come. 

This means, leaving vaginal penetration as the last pit stop in our sexual experience hampers a lot of people’s orgasm abilities. Especially if it’s not being complemented with simultaneous external clitoral stimulation. 

So, no, there’s nothing wrong with you or your partner if vaginal penetration isn’t taking you there!

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We stop wanting sex when we get older

While it’s true our sex drive can decrease with age – it doesn’t mean we stop having sex. In fact, a lot of people in their 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond, report having more pleasurable sex than before.

One study found that while frequency may have decreased, pleasure increased. The researchers classified this finding as ‘sexual wisdom’. 

The important thing to remember here is that frequency and quality aren’t necessarily equal bedfellows. In the end, the quality of sex is far more important than doing something that gives little very often. And in my opinion, this sexual wisdom, as with general life wisdom – is something we should all take on! 

Masturbating means you’re dissatisfied with your sex life

Solo sex in partnered relationships can be sensitive. Most couples I’ve seen as a sex therapist don’t talk about it at length, but many assume the other partner “does it”. Part of what makes it such an awkward topic is that we’ve often acquired the belief that it means our partner is dissatisfied with our sex life. 

And if this is true – the very existence of their alone time poses a threat to us and our relationship. But masturbation doesn’t have to mean your shared intimacy isn’t appreciated and cherished.

Research shows that for those men who are sexually satisfied, there’s no link between their masturbation frequency and how pleased they are sexually. This means their masturbation habits aren’t a reflection of your sex life – nor do they take away from any time you could be having sex together. 

For women on the other hand, masturbation seems to increase the more pleased they are with partner sex. What it looks like for people who are non-binary or elsewhere on the gender spectrum is (unfortunately) yet to be determined by research.

To sum it up – you probably don’t need to worry too much about your partner’s solo sex habits, unless they seem harmful in some way. 

If your partner never wants sex, they’re probably cheating

While it may be worrisome when your partner keeps saying no to sex, you don’t need to fear the worst. There are lots of reasons for not wanting sex anymore – only one of them being infidelity.

Low or non-existent desire is often, contrary to common sexual myths, more complex than we give it credit for. And this goes for people of all genders.

Some common causes of low libido can be:

• a lack of emotional closeness, 
• resentment, 
• sexual anxiety, 
• hormonal birth control, 
• lack of pleasure,
• feeling unattractive, 
• depression and anxiety

While it’s easy to jump to the most feared conclusion, it’s important to consider that your partner’s lack of libido very well might not indicate cheating at all. In fact, they might not be interested in sex at all – across the board, not just with you. 

If you’re stressed, talk with your partner about their lack of desire. Communication is key when overcoming sexual differences.

If you have to talk about sex, something is wrong

While talking about sex might feel unsexy and unnecessary, the fact of the matter is – couples who talk about sex have better sex.

This has many reasons, for instance; talking helps straighten out any potential worries you may have about performance or your body. In turn, this helps you get out of your head during sex and into your body, so you can experience ecstatic pleasure together. 

Another reason is because sex, just like everything else in life, is an activity with preferences.

This means your previous partner might have loved that tongue-flicking thing you do, but this one, secretly dreads it. Or perhaps you always loved that one position, but after childbirth it feels weird and uncomfortable. 

Without talking, your partner can’t know how to change. And without talking, it can be harder to switch things up in the bedroom. And we all know sexual novelty is one of the keys to increasing sexual attraction and desire.

Good communication skills, whether about life in general or sex, are hallmarks of healthy relationships – not bad ones. 

Your partner has fallen out of love if they don’t want sex as much as they used to

A lack of desire, or mismatched levels, can have both people in a relationship fretting. A lot of times we conclude that it’s because we’ve fallen out of love, or they have. Perhaps they find us unattractive, or there’s something is seriously wrong with us. 

The truth? Desire isn’t a constant – it waxes and wanes throughout life (even if you’re still in love).

The longer you’re together, the more this will become noticeable. But because a lot of us have grown up with the sexual myth that sex drive is a predictor love – it often feels like a threat when desire dips. 

This doesn’t, however, mean you can’t do anything about it. Take it from a sex therapist and coach specialized in sexual desire; you can learn to want more sex, if it’s important to you and your relationship.

Your relationship is doomed if you need sex therapy or sex coaching

When things go wrong in life, we can’t always solve them on our own. We might need a doctor, a psychotherapist, or a physical therapist.

And the thing about sex and relationships is that it’s not different. Though we may tell ourselves it is.

We tell ourselves sex is easy if we’re in the “right” relationship. That low desire or mismatched libidos is a sign our marriage is doomed. And that attraction, feeling blissfully in love with our partner, and sexual pleasure – shouldn’t be worked on. Should we need to – well, it means something is seriously wrong; with us, our partner, and our relationship as a whole.

The stigma that exists around getting sex therapy or online sex coaching is based on faulty beliefs. Because the truth is – relationships and sex aren’t inherently easy.

You’re not alone in finding yourself in a complicated, tangled mess of hurt feelings, painful insecurities and lacklustre experiences.

You wouldn’t forgo medical treatment if you had a broken knee – so why would you not seek help for a sex life that’s in a shambles?

How to overcome sex myths

Sexual myths can be harmful, but arming yourself with the correct knowledge, and support, can make all the difference. Because an underwhelming sex life or sex drive struggles can be resolved.

If you’re ready to get professional help from a sex therapist and coach with years of experience – my online program Re:Desire is a great place to start. Re:Desire is a 5-phase program that helps you create stress-free sex and intimacy through accessing your desire. Cause it’s there – you’ve just lost touch with it!