The difference between sex and intimacy

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When it comes to sex and intimacy, most of us believe two conflicting ideas: that to be truly intimate in a relationship, we need to have sex — and that intimacy is simultaneously much deeper than sex can provide. This gets us into a rut, where it becomes a competition between intimacy and sex — rather than understanding how the two can work together.

In this post, we’re going to dive into the differences between sex and intimacy from the perspective of a sex therapist and intimacy coach (me!).

Is this really about sex and intimacy?

What is Sex

Our culture generally has a narrow view of sex. Sex is often thought of as a purely physical activity. Whether it’s solo or partnered sex, we tend to think of it as a pleasurable act involving the genitals.

However, sex is more than just the physical.

For many people, sex involves a mental aspect as well. Things like fantasies and dirty talk stimulate our brains and get us excited. They can even bring us pleasure in themselves. For some people, even just talking about erotic thoughts can be enough to orgasm.

Another distorted view many of us have (unless we question it) is that sex is an activity that involves multiple elements culminating in a “main event.”

In heterosexual relationships, this main event usually defaults to vaginal penetration unless it’s openly discussed beforehand. While there’s nothing wrong with penetration, it’s not everyone’s favorite part (despite what pop culture would have us believe!).

At the end of the day, you get to define what constitutes sex for you and your relationship. It could be sexting, oral sex, kissing, or caressing. Sex is a subjective experience and can encompass whatever you want it to be.

What is intimacy

While intimacy is often used as a synonym for sex in colloquial language – it definitely does not necessarily include sex.

You see, intimacy is a broad term that can encompass everything from sex to spiritual connection. In fact, according to Stephen T. Fife, there are 17 aspects of intimacy (actually, 18 if you separate general physical intimacy from sexual intimacy—which I typically do with my clients).

Like sex, intimacy is a subjective experience. Although the Cambridge Dictionary defines it as “Situations where you have a close friendship or sexual relationship with someone”, People often think of it as an intangible feeling.

You know when you have intimacy (and when you don’t)—but describing what intimacy feels like is hard.

Regardless of your experience with intimacy, most people would say that a relationship without intimacy is unsatisfying. It feels like something is missing.

Do you want to be closer to your partner?

My free resource, The Intimacy Guide Gives you access to a variety of tools to help you increase intimacy in your relationship—sexual or not.

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When sex and intimacy go hand in hand

While there is a difference between sex and intimacy, and they don’t always go hand in hand – for many people, they do. In fact, many couples in sexless relationships experience a lack of closeness and intimacy when they’re not having sex.

This is because sometimes it can offer us that special intimacy that nothing else can. Where we feel like one person. Where we find a wordless communication that somehow expresses all the feelings we have for each other.

But there’s another side to the story — sexual intimacy can sometimes spark fear.

Sexual intimacy can be scary

Sex can become daunting and scary for a number of reasons.

• Maybe you haven’t had sex in a while, and you’re worried that it will be awkward when you do it with your partner.
• Maybe you and your partner have been fighting about sex for months or years—causing one (or both) of you to feel anxious and stressed about sex.

• For some people, sexual intimacy requires a level of vulnerability that you don’t feel safe sharing with another person. Sometimes, this has to do with your attachment style.

Whatever the reason, I want you to know that it’s not uncommon for sex to be more stressful (even though society rarely talks about it that way).

As a sex therapist for over 8 years, I have seen countless people who are terrified by even the thought of sexual intimacy.

Emotional intimacy can be difficult

Emotional intimacy can also trigger anxiety. This can be caused by a variety of different factors and can also be closely related to sex.

For some people, an active sex life creates the perfect conditions for fostering emotional intimacy.

For others, there needs to be an emotional foundation before sexual desire can arise. This can be difficult to compromise in a relationship where you both have different entry points to sex and intimacy.

The important thing to remember here is that there is no right or wrong for either of you. This is not about sex and intimacy, but about your own subjective experience of what it takes to want sex and experience intimacy.

Can there be intimacy without sex?

In a word—yes. Sex is not necessary to have intimacy with your partner. Whether you find yourself in a period of low or no sexual desire or because you identify as asexual—sex is not necessary to have intimacy with your partner. need For himself.

Of course, this can get extremely complicated if you don’t agree on how often to have sex or how much time is needed to feel truly intimate.

If you find yourself in the situation described above, know that there are ways to address it that don’t require the partner with the lower sex drive to schedule sex or the partner with the higher sex drive to go a lifetime without sex.

What to do if you want more intimacy

If you feel like you’re drifting apart emotionally (or sexually), it’s important to address your overall situation.

• Are there unresolved issues around intimacy and sexuality from both sides of the relationship? What needs are being neglected? How can you begin to meet them?
• If you could take one small step toward the relationship you want today, what would you choose? Bite the bullet and have that awkward conversation? Purchase a couples fitness program, take an online course, or suggest couples therapy?
• If you could do the same things to meet your partner’s needs (even if their needs are different from your own), how would you do it? Maybe more hugs and kisses would be enough? Or maybe a fun date night?

The fact is that once intimacy is lost, whether it is sexual or emotional, it can be regained.

But in order to achieve this, you have to be proactive.

You may have to go through an awkward conversation or two, but it will be worth the wait.

If there is still love in your heart – then you will gain a lot through your efforts.