LGBT Month Celebration – An Interview with Alyssa MacKenzie

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As part of Lovense’s love and support for the LGBT community, we are excited to showcase and platform voices from around the world this month. Today, we are honored to interview Alyssa MacKenzie – transgender advocate, activist, and intersectional feminist.

Q1: When did you first feel that your sex assigned at birth did not match your gender identity?

I knew it when I was 7. Yeah, I knew…how on earth is a 7 year old supposed to know that she’s trans? LOL…but I did know. I just didn’t know what being trans was or meant. I just knew that nothing matched; my interactions with other kids, my interests and the ways I felt comfortable around others, my constant discomfort with my body…but again, I didn’t know there was actually a name for what I was going through; I just knew that I felt “wrong” but didn’t know why until I was older and learned not only what “trans” was, but that there were other people my age who felt the same way. I wasn’t alone, like I thought I was.

Q2: Have you ever encountered difficulties because you are transgender? If so, can you share that incident and how you dealt with it?

Oh my god, yes. I mean, that’s an understatement! Look, my experience as a non-binary trans woman is different than many others in the community because I have a ton of privilege: I’m white, I’m “passable,” and I’m friendly. Many other trans people experience discrimination simply because of the color of their skin, or because they don’t present in the binary gender-normative ways that many people are used to, so I think it’s important to address the differences between my experience and theirs.

However, I did encounter, and continue to encounter, challenges that come with transitioning. Mainly, the ridiculous hassles my state put me through to update my name and gender marker, having to carry a driver’s license with my old name and photo on it for a long time while fully presenting as a woman, having issues voting, being misgendered in the early stages of transitioning, and having anxiety about using public restrooms in the early stages of transitioning, which was very difficult in the beginning.

But in all of these situations, especially starting to show my true identity in public, I almost always need to project more confidence and a sense of belonging that feels comfortable wherever I am, even if I don’t feel that way at all.

People pick up on social cues, so it’s really an important safety factor. Eventually, you’ll figure that out and hopefully find the confidence and become the kind of person who can rock that confidence.

Q3: What does gender #TRANSition mean to you, and how do you feel now after being #TRANSitioned?

For me, transitioning meant accepting myself, loving myself, and giving myself the opportunity to shine in the world, and doing so has taught me a lot about myself that I never knew I had. I started transitioning in March 2019, and I don’t mind saying that because it’s a part of my life, but I got GRS last July. This has always been my path, and I knew it from a very young age.

But I also need to make it clear how personal this is, and whether or not any trans person discloses this information to you is entirely up to them, and especially for trans women, this information is not made any more or less valid based on what they want physically, nor is it what defines you as a woman. There is so much more to being a woman than just genitalia. But as I said, my path has always included getting GRS because it works for me, and now I definitely feel physically “whole.”

Q4: When did you decide to make a change and how did you overcome the challenges in your #TRANSition journey?

I decided to transition because I had to. I was 39, extremely unhappy, and had attempted suicide in my 20s because I had never really found a way to be happy and felt like a failure as a parent of two children. I didn’t trust myself to say things to my children that I didn’t believe in myself, so when they were little, I always bore a large part of the brunt of our lack of communication. I wasn’t happy, but I tried to chase my dreams and still hadn’t found that happiness. It turns out you can’t do that if you lie to the one person you can never lie to: yourself.

Transitioning was the beginning of the end of that. It meant listening to everything deep inside of me and deciding to embrace it instead of running away from it. I swear to this day—if I hadn’t done that, you wouldn’t be doing this interview with me right now because I wouldn’t be here doing this. Transitioning saved my life.

Q5: If you could go back in time and give one piece of advice to your younger self/your self before starting #TRANSition, what would you say?

See, this is a slippery slope because it can really get you into an unfair mess where you beat yourself up over the “what ifs” and I really don’t like disappearing down that rabbit hole, but…what if I could give myself some advice?

Don’t run away. You’ll lose decades of your life that you could have been enjoying a joy you didn’t even know existed. I mean, that’s really it, no need to write a novel, haha.

Question 6: What misunderstandings does society have about transgender people? Which ones would you like to clarify?

How long do you have? Haha.

Mainly, because it’s all too common in the world right now, and it’s unfortunate. If you identify as trans, you know it better than anyone, and you can definitely figure it out at a very young age. It makes me so angry when adults belittle what a child “may” or “may not” know because they’ve only lived a certain amount of time.

See – I knew at 7 years old that the role I was assigned at birth was not mine. But if more people understood this, felt this, then so be it? My childhood would have been completely different, and this is the hardest fact for trans people to accept, and it’s one of the reasons why you see so many trans people so strongly defending trans youth – because trans kids have a better path to a happier life, and if the parents of that child accept that and take the steps to safely pursue that for their child, then they should protect them at all costs – period.

When we raise our children, we tell them to be themselves and to be honest. We need to be genuine, honest, and truly mean it when they tell us and show us who that person is, even if that person is not who we thought they were. That is unconditional love.

Q7: What topic or question do you wish people would ask more about trans people?

What are you into? What are your hobbies? How was your day? Really – anything that makes me unique, besides what they see. I mean, I’m a singer/songwriter, I’m a total weather nerd, I love Coldplay to an incredible degree, I have a thing for architecture and public transportation – I mean, there’s a ton of stuff you could ask me about me. If you’re an ally, that’s great, thank you. But let’s talk about something else.

Question 8: What solutions or measures should society take to help promote acceptance and understanding of the transgender community?

Listen. No, really — listen to trans voices. We’ll tell you how to be an ally; what’s needed, how to be supportive, what the issues are in our community, and what might be wrong with your ideas about allyship.

Being an ally doesn’t mean recognizing trans people’s right to exist freely and treating them like they’re doing them a favor. It means having uncomfortable conversations with people when they talk negatively about trans people and saying, “Hey, that’s not true.” It means when hateful anti-trans legislation comes out and trans people tell you who’s supporting it, confronting those people and letting them know, “Hey, financially supporting anti-trans legislation is unacceptable to me. I’m taking my business elsewhere,” and actually doing it within your power to do so. It means valuing people for their worth, rather than the desire to continue enjoying something that a hater has written or produced, and understanding how deeply you hurt us when you remain silent.

This means action. Fighting with us. I mean really fighting. Because we desperately need to do this, and cis people have been far too often silenced when our communities struggle, and that’s absolutely true now more than ever.

Q9: What is the best thing that has happened to you since you started your #TRANSformation journey?

Oh my goodness…so much has happened! I get texts, tweets, or DMs from people almost every day asking for advice or thanking me for having done this, and it really makes all the advocacy and volunteering worth it. I just want to help make it easier for everyone to be who they are if you’re trans. And…I’m so happy. I mean, I spent almost four decades trying to do this and I never really got there because I was trying to stop my truth from being my reality, and when I did, I felt a kind of happiness that forced me to redefine the word because I didn’t know it existed.

Not everyone has an experience like this when they transition, because it happens for so many different reasons in life, but… the confidence I gained, the friends I made, how wonderful my relationships became, what relationships I formed because of that happiness? It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me in my life, right up there with being engaged to my best friend. That’s the best.

Q10: What is the best way to support a transgender friend, family member, or loved one who has just decided to start their #TRANSition? Do you have anything to say to those who have not yet come out or started their transition journey?

What’s the best way to support someone who’s just come out as transgender? Just be there for them and let them know you’re still there. While this may be a transition for you, too, understand that it’s okay to seek help from a therapist to process your feelings so you can feel your own feelings without projecting them onto them. this They’ve probably been through the biggest emotional roller coaster, and they can’t carry your emotional weight either, so…don’t give it to them. Give it to someone who can. And that’s totally fine.

To those who haven’t come out yet, I say this: Every fear I’ve had about coming out and transitioning has been worse than the actual outcome, and that’s the nature of fear – it takes away your most precious, non-renewable resource: time. You don’t have to transition by a certain time or age, but my point is that the sooner you transition, the sooner you can embrace your true self, rather than running away from it. That’s not the right way to go through life.

It really is okay to stop running.