Finding spiritual connection in recovery

Scott Brassart

Many addicts who are new to recovery are searching for a higher power and integrating this higher power into their recovery. Often, resentments, fears, character flaws, and debris from the past prevent them from believing not only in organized religion, but in anything to do with the development of a spiritual connection.

This is indeed the case for me. When I began my journey through addiction recovery, I defined myself as either an atheist or an agnostic, depending on my mood. This is the result of witnessing hypocrisy in organized religion as well as “higher power” entities like my family, my school, sports, government, and pretty much everything that involves other human beings.

At an early age, I developed a severe lack of trust that distanced me from connection with other people and any type of spiritual higher power. So, I was lonely, distrustful, cut off not just from others, but from myself. Is it any wonder that I tend to consider myself an atheist or agnostic? I simply don’t understand that spiritual connection is not centered on the beliefs and actions of flawed human beings, but on an authentic connection to one’s own values ​​and vulnerabilities.

These days, when I discuss spirituality with newly recovered addicts, I usually begin by asking them to describe their concepts of God, religion, and spiritual connection. Sometimes these people describe things that sound great. If so, our discussion of spirituality is over and we will move on to other necessary and interesting topics. Other times, however, what these men and women shared with me sounded scary, judgmental, angry, punitive, manipulative, and demanding.

At that point, I usually share my own story, talking about how I found it odd that a supposedly loving God would choose to drown all but two of every species. (In case you were wondering, I was raised in the Christian church.) I then shared that stories about the virgin birth, talking snakes, and spontaneously combusting bushes had never been real to me, and that I was too young when I first heard these stories to understand them as metaphors rather than hypothetical facts.

So, I found myself in a church full of liars who worshiped a god who killed us when we didn’t behave and condemned us to the eternal fire of hell. Of course, besides hell, there is also heaven. I was told that if we did everything—and I mean everything—according to God’s will from the moment of conception to the moment of death, we would go to heaven. I was then told that heaven was a place where they played harps and sang hymns all day long, which sounded almost as scary as chestnuts roasting forever.

My point here is that my thoughts and feelings about God, religion, and other forms of higher power kept me away from the development of a spiritual connection. But then I found myself in a 12-step recovery phase, three of which were moving me towards spiritual connection. Needless to say, I resisted.

Thankfully, my therapist, sponsor, and several friends pointed out that 12-step programs use the language of “God as we understand him,” rather than just “God,” to make it clear that we do not need to believe in any existing religion or established version of God as part of recovery.

These four words—our understanding of God—are, to many people, including me, the most important words in the entire 12 steps. Keep in mind that I recently co-authored a book on these steps and how to do them. Without those four words, I (and countless others) would likely have given up on the recovery I so desperately needed. But with those four words, I (and countless others) stayed.

Over time I gained an understanding of my higher power. This higher power is inconsistent with anything espoused by any established religion or spiritual practice. It’s not static either. Initially, I chose the Star Wars version of the Force, where there is something physical that connects us to others and others to us. For example, if you are in a boat on a lake and I throw a huge stone into the lake, that stone will create waves that will rock the boat you are in – and vice versa if you were the one throwing the stone. Yes, I know the Higher Power version doesn’t offer much to master, but it’s all I can handle in the early stages of recovery.

Ultimately, I was told that if I was open to my own recovery, I would likely find a higher power that would work for me. Around the same time, a close friend shared words that a pastor had shared with him when he joined a church where he felt loved, comforted, and connected. The pastor said:

I could tell you the formal history and theological reasoning behind everything we do here—lighting candles when we pray, making the sign of the cross, giving something up or accepting something during Lent—but I invite you to learn about these practices through practice. Try the practice for a few days or a week and see what helps you. People have been engaging in spiritual practices for centuries, so you may find something personally meaningful and helpful to you. Then, after you try it, if you want to talk about it or read about it, we’ll chat. But please consider trying it first.

I did do this over time and discovered a few things that worked for me, and a lot of things that didn’t work for me. I also did some exercises, some more than once, to better understand who and what my higher power might be. My favorite of these exercises is to take a large piece of construction paper and draw a giant circle on it. Then, inside the circle, I list or paste pictures that depict the qualities I most want in a friend and mentor – loving, tolerant, funny, etc. Outside the circle, I list or paste pictures that depict the qualities I least want in friends and mentors – critical, aggressive, belittling, etc. I then cut off all material outside the circle and ritually burn it. I found that what was left was a perfect description of my higher power.

Even an extremely personal and unique vision will continue to change over time. I am constantly exposed to new ideas or things happening in my life that change my values ​​and priorities. As my life changed, so did my spiritual connection. For a recovering addict, that’s totally fine. However, I am aware of my higher power at any given moment, and this understanding is fully consistent with the 12-step framework and my recovery needs.

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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity provides inpatient treatment for people with sex, pornography, and substance/sex addictions, as well as low-cost online work groups. Meanwhile, SexandRelationshipHealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and drop-in discussion groups, podcasts, and more.