Exploring Your Queerness with a Straight Partner: Tips from

2024-06-04
Posted by PSEDEN

There is a myth out there I want to bust – that you cannot honor and explore your queerness when in a committed, long-term relationship with a straight partner. This commonly believed myth perpetuates so much stigma and imposter syndrome within queer individuals who are with a straight partner or in a “straight passing” relationship. It can lead people to feeling like they don’t truly fit in anywhere, not with the LGBTQIA+ community but also not in the heterosexual space. I want to shatter this narrative. In this blog post I will dive into ways you can honor your queerness when with a straight partner, and spoiler alert, the answer is not just to have queer sex outside of the relationship.

First Up – Shift Your Narrative Around Relationships and Queerness

If you are feeling a sense of imposter syndrome with your queer identity because you are with a straight partner, or in a straight-passing relationship, it’s important to first define what being queer means to you. You may be facing quite a bit of homophobia or invalidation from others – people telling you it was “just a phase”, or accusations of lying about your identity or that you’re just looking for attention. These false narratives and microaggressions can be extremely difficult to break free from. They limit what being queer looks like to a very narrow window of acceptability, claiming you have to be with a certain person or look a certain way to “fit in.” However, the truth is that YOU get to define what being queer means for you. Your partner or how you look does not define your sexuality or gender identity. YOU DO. As much as I wish I didn’t have to write that, it’s common for people to need this reminder, because of our societal expectations. Below I will share some ways you can honor and express your queerness, but you are free to do whatever feels right for you, and be creative!

Creatively Express Your Queerness

Think about how you can express your queerness creatively. Try out any medium that feels right for you – painting, music, writing, talking – and express your definition of queerness.

Find Your (LGBTQ+) Community

The next recommendation I have is to find your community. Get involved in your local LGBTQIA+ community by attending events, volunteering, reading books by queer authors, listening to queer musicians, attending queer art shows, following queer people on social media, or anything else that helps connect you with other members of the community. Some other resources that may be helpful to get you started:

TrevorSpace: “TrevorSpace is an affirming, online social community for LGBTQ young people between the ages of 13-24 years old. With over 400,000 members across the globe, you can explore your identity, get advice, find support groups, and make friends in a moderated online safe space intentionally designed for you.”
PFLAG: “PFLAG’s network of hundreds of chapters and more than 325,000 members and supporters are helping create an equitable and inclusive world where every LGBTQ+ person is safe, celebrated, empowered, and loved.” You can find a local PFLAG chapter for meetings and events, and they also have online meetings and virtual communities to participate in.
Everywhere Is Queer: “Everywhere Is Queer is a public resource (and ever-growing searchable map!) created for the LGBTQIA2S+ and ally community to find welcoming, queer-owned spaces to shop, connect, eat, learn, and grow all over the world… even in your own neighborhood!”

This is absolutely by no means an exhaustive list. There are many spaces out there meant to build queer community…just explore and find what feels good for you. Read our blog for more LGBTQ+ friendly resources.