Recovery: Because I have no choice

Scott Brassart

Compared to recently, I have celebrated 23 years from addicted sex and 21-year-old sober alcohol and drugs. But I never want to be awake. I never want to recover. I do this because my life is a mess inside and outside and I have no choice. For me, recovery is the last house known to be on the block.

Even though I finally went to the therapist for help, I refused. I kept my entire degree of secret to my problem, I said I would take advice from the therapist, but didn’t (and then I lie to him), I only attended the 12-step meeting when he was very polite but firmly told me that if I didn’t do that, he would have to fire me as a client.

My first meeting with this amazing and lasting clinician was 25 years ago. If you are doing math, you will notice that it took me two years to build sobriety from sexual addiction and two years to get rid of substance. Mainly because I still insist on my belief that I have a choice on this issue. I still thought I could learn to drink, take drugs, and act like a normal, unaddiction person.

Looking back, I’m a ridiculous idiot. It took me 20 years to prove to myself and the world that if I take a sip of wine, drug hits or even engage in the stimulation of sexual coercion, I become an out of control train. I immediately lost control of my life and choices, and the only way I stopped was to collapse. I collapsed. repeatedly.

But I still can’t (or won’t) be completely committed to sobering.

The good news is that I stick to the healing and 12 steps to recover and see countless people around me end their addiction vortex, from monsters to men. So I know there is a solution, and I know if I decide to commit fully, the solution will work. I also know that from some profound and unconscious level, I am indeed ready to propose it.

Interestingly, this is not the obvious consequence – lost relationships, downgrades at work, legal troubles, etc. – that set me apart. Finally, I realized that I was very unhappy and didn’t want to live like this. By then, there is only one option. Recover with all your might. Even then, I’m just willing to do my best. I fought with alcohol and drugs for two years.

Again, I’m a ridiculous idiot. It wasn’t until one day when I found myself standing in a bar at an alumni event at a university that I realized that when I had a high priced cocktail, alcohol and drugs were no better than compulsive sex for me. So I put down my drink and went to the AA meeting (I’m sure).

From that moment on, I remained awake – from all my addictions. Because that was a moment I really couldn’t choose. If I do not promise long-term soberness and recovery, I will continue to live an unfulfilled life, I will be completely and completely failed as a person, and I will die from the miserable, lonely wreck of a man.

Since then, has my recovery been totally perfect? Oh, oh. But even if I made a mistake, I learned to stick to this process. I learned that as long as I stick to the sober and recovery process, I can screw up life and even recover. I learned to lift myself off the floor, dusty, and climb onto the horse, even if I really don’t want to do that, because I have no choice. I have to make it work, so I do it. I hope you will do the same thing – if not now, then when you can’t choose.

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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sexual, pornography, or material/sex addiction, please help. Seeking integrity to provide hospitalization for sexual, pornographic and material/sex drug users as well as low-cost online task force. Meanwhile, sexAndRelationshiphealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and visit discussion groups, podcasts, and more.