The science of a Long Marriage – Salty Vixen Stories

Want to have a long marriage like Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward did? Well, the right thing to say to your wife in the midst of an argument could be as simple as this: “Honey, let’s not get upset. When our brains age, we’ll become more adoring companions.”

Alternatively, you could say, “Just think of all the emotional-attachment synapses we’ll be laying down in our brains if we make it to our 25th anniversary.”

Who knows? You, too, could have a 50-year happy marriage like Mr. Newman, the Hollywood legend whose greatness behind the scenes received just as many accolades, if not more, than his acting career when he died – September 26, 2008 of 83.

He is iconic for his husband-hood in an age when marriage is increasingly seen as a rite of temporary and convenient passage – one you glide through and leave as you might a party you’d thought you’d enjoy – not just in the Los Angeles hotbed of sex, beauty and ambition, but in the culture at large.

Mr. Newman rarely discussed his marriage. To Playboy magazine, he once explained his marital fidelity by saying he didn’t need to go out for hamburger when he had steak at home.

But usually, he would politely say “I don’t like to discuss that” when interviewers pressed for the secrets of his long, happy marriage.

But now, there is scientific and psychological insight into the benefits of long-term marriage, and the reasons why marriages that survive often become better as they age. In the long run, marriage is a state of being that suits, even enhances, human biology, experts say.

“There are biological changes that occur in aging in the so-called ‘blue spot’ of the brain, an area that has to do with anger, aggression, anxiety. That area literally loses neurons as we age,” which means those emotions are less acute, explains Maggie Scarf, a therapist and author of several books including September Songs: The Good News About Marriage in the Later Years.

Ms. Scarf uses this and other research to explain the surprising evidence she found in interviews with couples aged 50 to 75 that sticking out a marriage, even a contentious one, brings a level of happiness that few of the participants could have predicted earlier on.

“There was still a source of annoyance and irritation. It was just that it was handled in a different way. The intensity of their conflict never reached the rage stage.”

It’s a comforting thought: We may be wired to fall in love, but we are also de-wired to get along in our dotage.

There is also a psychological shift among older couples that makes marriage easier and better, she says. “As people age, there is an unconscious or maybe conscious motivation to move toward the ‘positivity effect,’ ” she says, citing medical research from Stanford University in California. “People realize that more years of their life have passed than are ahead. Time is like an oil supply that is running out, and as it runs out it becomes more valuable, and people think about how to use that time in a way that makes them happy.”

Ms. Scarf is not advocating that people stay in marriages that are truly miserable. “There are real reasons why people divorce,” she acknowledges. But she thinks that couples need to know the benefits in store if they ride out the bad patches.

“Marriage is a journey, and things turn around,” says Ms. Scarf, a wife of 55 years, mother of three children, and grandmother of eight. She and her husband haven’t “floated here on a cloud of bliss” she says of the long marriage that gives her pleasure and meaning.

Divorce is in vogue, which may make couples contemplate it without enough consideration, she says. “I don’t think couples in long-term happy marriages have a voice, and they should have one, because the voices of the divorced people are much noisier.”

The cultural obsession with romantic love as opposed to the opportunities – and biology – of long-term commitment also encourages divorce, says Mark O’Connell, a marriage therapist and psychology professor at Harvard Medical School who wrote The Marriage Benefit: The Surprising Rewards of Staying Together.

“There is the biology of falling in love, but there is also a biology of long-term attachment,” he said in an interview. “If you look at research, it is clear that there are increased activities in pleasure and addiction centres in people’s brains when they are falling in love, and down the road there is increased activity in the centres that have to do with long-term memory and long-term learning – the kinds of places that have to do with the laying down of enduring attachment.

“But we have this idea that the early falling in love is this intense, passionate biological experience, and that the rest of it is just sort of social convention that we have to deal with as a compromise.”

Self-help books that suggest ways for couples to “get back to earlier passion” are unrealistic, says Dr. O’Connell, a husband of 24 years and father of three children. “If we have a model of love that says we should be happy all the time, people are disappointed. But they can’t live like that because that’s not the way love works.”

One of the greatest opportunities of marriage is the ability to understand yourself, he adds. Contrary to popular belief – that divorce is the crucible to self-actualization – it is marriage that is a potential gateway to true self-expression.

“In a marriage, people get into places with each other that are often going to be reflections of [the]most pained and difficult and vulnerable parts of themselves, the places that they most need to wrestle with individually,” he explains. “People work on their marriages to get along, but there is a lot of potential for personal growth. So, in fact, divorce can be the antithesis of self-expression, and is, in fact, self-denial.”