When I work with single clients, they are often reluctant to fully admit what they want in a partner.

In fact, there were several themes that kept coming up when it came to what they didn’t fully allow themselves to want.

And without being aware of these themes, people run the risk of unknowingly identifying the main pillars of their future relationships.

So today, I want to dive into seven of the most common “I’m not allowed to want” That” I see the traps people fall into.

You might recognize yourself in one or even several of them.

Are you ready? Let’s get started.

7 Very Reasonable Things You Can Expect in a Partner

1. You may find them attractive

You’re not shallow. No, you’re not unreasonable. No, you’re not overly picky.

You can definitely want to feel physically attracted to your partner.

They don’t have to be perfect 10 models, but you should (at least) have a functional, basic appeal to them that grows over time.

When you see them, your body should react. Feel like you’re being pulled… turned on… desired… safe… attracted.

If you find yourself on a date (or a few dates) with someone and you feel 2/10 attracted to them, the likelihood of it developing into a real relationship is generally low.

Conversely, if in your early dating interactions with a potential partner, you find that your body opens up to their presence…if you enjoy looking at them, and your body feels warm and excited around them, then that’s a good sign of a trustworthy partner.

So, if you prefer someone to be a certain height, that’s not superficial. If you’re primarily or exclusively attracted to a certain hair color, that’s not superficial. And if you really only want a partner with a big/small nose, sparse/thick eyebrows, and strong/slim shoulders, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.

Your body has a reason for what it reacts to. You can trust it.

2. You want them to have their financial lives in order

When it came to their desires, beyond physical attractiveness, people were most likely to judge themselves on whether they wanted a financially advantaged partner.

For most of you reading these words, it’s a fact that we live in a world that requires both financial resources and literacy. Having ample resources (and resourcefulness) makes many aspects of life go much more smoothly. Many of life’s baser complaints can be completely alleviated by having ample financial wiggle room.

So, yes, you can want a partner who has money. Someone who is good with money. Someone who knows how to make money and is generous with it at the same time.

These are all completely allowed things.

Can you feel your body?

Is this something you could want?

And isn’t this stuff just for those people? The gold diggers. The opportunistic, superficial people.

No, it’s you! You are the one who can want a partner who can afford to live and manage money well.

Life becomes easier (in many ways) when you have money. Relationships generally work better when both parties know how to create, manage, and keep money.

So yes, you can hope they are good with money and have money. Take a deep breath.

3. You want them to treat you well

You can want a partner who will not insult, belittle, humiliate, beat you down, or criticize you in a callous way.

What is the absence of love? It is entirely up to you to decide. Everyone has a different sensitivity to what is love and what is the absence of love.

If you grew up in a household where teasing was the norm, or if you were bullied as a child or teen, you may have a lower tolerance or desire for words that are considered unkind than others.

Whatever your threshold is, it is allowed.

You can want a partner who is loving, who encourages you, who praises you, who appreciates you, and who compliments you (to your face and to others’).

It’s true—of course you want your partner to treat you well.

4. You can enjoy having sex with them

My mentor Phil T. Mistlberger once said that the two pillars of a relationship are friendship compatibility and sexual compatibility.

If you are compatible sexually but not friendship-wise, your relationship is fiery, you enjoy spending Friday nights together but not Sunday mornings together.

If you have friendship compatibility but not sexual compatibility, then you have friendship.

The ideal relationship (the one with the best long-term potential) has the best of both worlds. As the saying goes, “Love is friendship on fire.”

So if you find yourself repelled by the idea of having sex with someone you find pleasant to talk to, then you should consider this.

You can absolutely enjoy your sex life with your partner. Your sex life should be an appreciating asset that deepens and strengthens over time.

(Side note: If you’ve been in a pattern of either attracting a partner with whom you have great friendship compatibility or sexual compatibility, but never having both in the same person, this is something I’ve helped countless clients resolve. I’d be happy to help you change that pattern through one-on-one coaching or in The Circle).

5. You want their support

You want a partner who can fully support you when it comes to your hobbies, your perspective on life, your unique way in the world.

My grandmother often told me that she would get the urge to paint and would just plop down in the middle of the house and spend the entire afternoon painting. With four kids running around and my grandmother engrossed in her painting projects, the house would quickly become a mess. When her husband (my grandfather) came home from work, she said he never said a word about the house being in bad shape. He would just walk over, admire her unfinished paintings, and revel in her artistic pleasure. You can generalize this example to any area of your life.

You can look for a partner who likes you for who you are.

6. You can enjoy talking to them

Have you ever had a partner or loved one who didn’t enjoy talking to you? Maybe you found them attractive, but the conversation was dull and lifeless? If you haven’t, I can assure you that it’s a unique kind of hell.

As I mentioned before, long-term relationships/marriages aren’t all Friday nights. In fact, they’re more Sunday mornings than Friday nights. Over the course of years or even decades in a relationship, there are going to be a lot of tedious tasks to get through each day. It’s much more fun to get through those tedious tasks with a partner you enjoy spending time with and talking to.

Perhaps you’ve heard of “flow testing.”

If you haven’t already, I’ll walk you through it.

Imagine you are driving somewhere with your partner and you are stuck in a huge traffic jam. Your trip is now delayed. How do you feel at this moment?

Was there an overwhelming feeling of, “Oh no…now I have to sit in silence with this person for a while!?” Or was there a feeling of, “Great! I get to spend more time talking, laughing, and spending time with this person.”

There are many traffic type moments in life.

Make sure you choose someone you enjoy chatting with to spend time with.

7. You can hope that they will grow like you

Last but not least, this is another common question I hear from a lot of my clients, both men and women.

You can hope that your significant other will be on a growth path that matches your pace, quality, and tone.

I’ve witnessed a lot of horror stories over the years.

People get together and one of them grows at 10x annually, while another grows at a slow and steady 1x.

Even worse, I’ve seen couples where one person had a 10x personal growth rate and the other had a 2x personal growth rate.

Why is it worse? Because the faster growing partner often feels guilty because they can see that, yes, their partner is changing and growing…but the difference in the rate at which they are growing is so great that one is running ahead of the other while the other limps along.

Ultimately, if one of you is a speedboat and the other is an anchor dragging on the ocean floor, it won’t be long before both become dissatisfied with each other’s growth trajectory.

So if you’ve ever hoped to find a partner who would grow with you, but didn’t get that recognition, imagine how that desire will be gone with the wind.

You can choose to find a partner who is as committed to personal growth as you are.

You can want a partner who loves TED Talks…who goes to their own coach or therapist…and constantly tells you about the exciting new things they learned in the books they were looking for.

If you settle for someone who’s happy to maintain the status quo while you’re rapidly breaking through your personal barriers, the relationship may not last. Of course, it’s good to have a partner who complements you and builds your foundation, but this idea can be taken too far and ultimately limit you from reaching your potential.

If you are a growth-oriented person who cares about doing more, feeling more, and becoming more, then you can hope that your partner has the same desires in their value system.

You can want what you want

If you are reading these words, then there is a good chance that you are a vibrant, intentional, thoughtful, kind, loving person.

When you have a lot to contribute, it’s perfectly reasonable to demand a lot from the people you work with.

Given that this will be the most impactful decision you will ever make in your life, there is no room for false modesty when it comes to choosing a partner.

I hope my overarching message is received well. I hope you can move forward powerfully and find everything you want in your significant other.

You deserve a partner who is equal to you. The world craves your best. And that comes from the fact that you won’t settle for anyone you work with.

knew?

Now get out there and give them a taste of their own medicine.

Committed to your success,

Jordan

PS: If you liked this article, you might also like to check out the following:

– Join The Circle (my online community where I host weekly group coaching calls)

– Request one-on-one tutoring from me

– “Why am I still single?” 5 reasons + solutions

– 8 Reasons You Can’t Attract Conscious Men (Like You Are Right Now)