Why am I not attracted to anyone?

6 min read

Many of us live in a sex-obsessed culture where desire and attraction are seen as paramount. Because of this, we can feel weird or heartbroken if we don’t feel attracted to or desired by anyone.

In fact, lack of attractiveness is not uncommon. There are many reasons why you may feel this way. Hopefully these reasons make sense and give you a sense of relief and direction.

In this article, I lay out a few important reasons based on my experience as a sex therapist in the field for over 8 years.

How attraction works

To understand why you’re not attracted to anyone, you first need to understand the general principles of sexual attraction.

There are many factors that influence sexual attraction. These ranges include:

• Biological aspects, such as the neurotransmitters oxytocin and dopamine, and the misinterpretation of physical excitement as sexual arousal and attraction.
• Social psychology, such as how similar we are to someone and how close we are geographically, and how many perceived partners we can find at any given time.

But while attraction (obviously) has a lot to do with the person in front of us, it also has to do with who we are.

In fact, when we feel no interest in anyone, the root of it may be ourselves rather than the people around us.

You might be asexual

A big reason why you might feel unattractive could be asexuality. If you consider yourself asexual, you may not feel sexual or romantic attraction to anyone. This doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong – it’s just you.

Unlike low sexual desire, asexuality is an identity, just like any other. This means that it is not a temporary state but a fixed one.

You’re either asexual or you’re not.

Asexuality is a spectrum, which means your experience may differ from that of other asexual people. For example, some people feel attraction and desire once they feel a deep emotional connection. Others have never experienced this and don’t want to be in a relationship.

If this sounds like you, you might want to learn more about asexuality.

If you have a low sex drive compared to asexuality (you may also feel like you’re not attracted to your partner or anyone for that matter), then this can be changed. That is – if you think Feeling desire and attraction again.

Want your libido back?

My free resource, The Desire Test, helps you take the first step toward increasing your libido by understanding your decline in libido.

Take the 10-page assessment quiz to get the answers you need, learn what’s holding you back, and get free sex and relationship tips delivered straight to your inbox. You can cancel your subscription at any time.

If you’re not attracted to anyone but asexual people

Just because attraction temporarily disappears, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re asexual. In fact, many clients I see find that their loss of traction is only temporary.

Here are some common reasons why you might have trouble attracting others.

low libido

If you struggle with low or non-existent sexual desire, this may affect your attraction to other people. This might even be the case if you’re in a long-term, loving relationship.

Just because you have a great partner doesn’t mean your sex drive is always going to be high. Or does it even exist. But that doesn’t mean you’re destined to live a life without desire and attraction. It just means something needs to change to get it fired up again.

In addition to our sexual desires, attraction can also fade due to reasons such as constant arguments, lack of emotional intimacy, or feeling disrespected.

It’s not surprising if you find that your partner initially wants more sex than you do, but over time turns into a complete lack of attraction.

While it’s common to have differences in desire levels, if your partner says the wrong things or pressures you to have more sex, you may start to feel needy, clingy, or pressured.

This, in turn, can make us less attractive to our partners and reduce our desire for sex in general.

mental health struggles

Our mental health affects the core of our being. So much so that conditions like depression and anxiety can exacerbate a lack of sexual desire and attraction.

While desire and attraction are not the same thing, they do have a strong connection. If you find that you are not attracted to anyone, have no sexual desire at all, and feel depressed – then your depression is likely the source of the problem.

This makes sense – because if you’re feeling down, nothing can cheer you up, so why wouldn’t this affect how well you’re brightened by others?

Depression is a serious mental health condition that affects up to 5% of the global population. In other words, if you’re feeling depressed, you’re definitely not alone. Some common symptoms are feeling hopeless, extreme tiredness or low energy, difficulty concentrating, and loss of appetite.

To start feeling better, it’s important to seek different treatments, depending on the severity of your depression. Sometimes you need a combination of psychotherapy and medication, and sometimes you need one or the other.

Once you start feeling better, you’ll be more likely to feel your own attraction and sexual desire. If you don’t, seeking help from a sex therapist is the next best step.

defense mechanism

When you’re not interested in anyone, sometimes it comes down to stubborn defenses that are holding you back from your feelings.

A defense mechanism is an unconscious mental block that develops over time to protect us from pain. Maybe it’s something we find painful or scary. They often form during adversity in childhood, adolescence, or adulthood.

For example, if you’re afraid of getting hurt, it’s best not to be attracted to anyone. Because this attraction could lead to a serious relationship. This serious relationship may end at some point, causing severe heartache.

You may even worry that no one will find you attractive, so you suppress your feelings. You close contact with your body so that you don’t have to feel the unbearable pain of unrequited love or desire.

Being closed means you take no risk. However, this also means you miss out on the huge rewards that make our lives truly meaningful.

What to do when you’re not attracted to anyone

The truth is – if you’re unattractive to others, you don’t have to do anything about it. There’s nothing wrong with not having it at certain times in your life (or forever). It only becomes a problem when there are problems in your relationship, or you feel like something is missing.

Sometimes, we’re at a stage in our lives where working on attraction simply doesn’t matter. Other times, we shouldn’t even try to change things because we already realize we’re asexual.

But if you do feel like you want to change.

If you want to experience again the intense desire or the flames of attraction you feel when you see your partner undress.

If you want to be your flirty, playful self again – whether in a relationship or out on the town.

If what you want most is to be illuminated by another person again, like only attraction can provide – there are a few things you can do. a lot of.

One is to first read this in-depth blog post on what to do when you no longer feel sexual attraction to your partner, it’s full of tips and advice. Another option is to seek professional help from a sex therapist or coach.

Whatever you do, remember that like most things in life, it doesn’t have to be permanent – ​​there is so much hope!