Unlocking Healthy Relationships: A Guide to Gottman’s Method

2025-03-15
Posted by PSEDEN

If you have done any couple therapy or spent time researching how to improve your relationships on your own, you may have heard of Gottman Therapy. For decades, John Gottman has been one of the most prolific researchers in couple therapy, authoring more than 200 academic articles and more than 20 books. With such a wealth of information, it feels overwhelmed when wondering where to learn from his work. Today, I want to introduce some basic Gottman therapy concepts that you can start to put into practice in your own life and relationships.

Discover Gottman’s method of power couple therapy

People always know what looks like when they say things like “relationships are work”, but many people don’t actually know what the job requires. Most people think that sometimes couples quarrel, or things aren’t all sunshine and rainbow. Indeed, relationships do have challenges unless you contact them in a healthy way, but you are not “doing the job” and you are just fighting. Work relationships are about building and maintaining connections while handling conflicts in an effective way, which can also move your relationship forward. Let’s take a look at several ways Gottman Therapy handles these things.

Build a strong connection: Gottman Therapy’s love map

The first thing I really want to educate a couple is Gottman’s love map concept. The love map is your roadmap to another person. Everything from their favorite color or taste of ice cream to knowing how they can comfort themselves after a tough day or relationship with their parents is all about it. Learning this information about your partner allows you to interact with them at the level of anyone else. My favorite thing about love maps is that they make your partner feel treated and appreciated by individuals. One way to do this is to use love maps to enhance the love language so that it is perfect for your partner. For example, if my girlfriend is having a bad time, I can pick up some flowers for her on the way home. This is already using love map knowledge. I had to accept the love map information consistently so that I could know that her days were terrible. However, this is still just the basic purpose of the “gift” love language. I know McNuggets is her greatest guilt and she will be happier if I take it home instead of flowers.
We deepened our connection by using what we know about each other to improve the way we interact. One way to work in a relationship is to always keep understanding your partner. Many people finally feel that they understand everything about their partner after a few years, but we are all constantly changing and growing so you can never stop learning.

Conflict with Gottman Therapy: The Four Riders of Doom

Next, let’s take a look at some of Gottman Therapy’s thoughts on conflict. Conflict is challenging and inevitable in relationships. Unfortunately, just fighting doesn’t have to do the work. For all of us, there is always room for growth and work to be done in our way of conflict. The first concept to look at here is how we start conflicting. When a conflict begins with an attack, even if the frustration of the attack partner is reasonable, the opponent will be immediately defended. Gottman calls it a “hard startup.” Softening your startup can be hard work. When we are frustrated by something, we want our frustration to be heard. But a demanding startup does this by putting your partner on a defensive position where they don’t want to listen. A great way to know if you or your partner are using a demanding startup or avoiding it is to look for four riders at Gottman
These cavalry are the premise of doom, whether you see them in conflict or anywhere else. These may appear in any couple, but if they do consistently, then for the vast majority of the time, this will illuminate the end of the relationship. Cavalry is: criticism, contempt, defense and stone walls. Let’s take a look at these four and how they conflict.

criticize: You can complain in a relationship and you should resolve them. Healthy complaints are about a person’s behavior. “I’m very upset because you didn’t help you last night.” Unhealthy criticism is about someone’s character. “You are so lazy, you will never help the dishes.” Criticism is a sign of a demanding startup that will always lead to defensive capabilities.
despise: Gottman’s name despises the most dangerous of these four. Contempt means looking down at your partner. This is one of the most disconnected feelings you may have and should be addressed immediately. If you look for contempt in a demanding startup, it sounds like irony, humility and superiority.
Defensive: This rider is trying to make your partner’s complaint be your own fault, not your own. Although the goal is to protect yourself from blame, it just invalidates your partner’s attention and makes them feel unheard of, ultimately escalating the conflict. Defense means conflict cannot progress. Similarly, by discussing behavior rather than personality, we can make people less defensive.
Stone wall: This is often the end of the rider. A partner can easily check out when the conflict is painful and invalid due to the top three riders. Why do you need to have such a conflict? Unfortunately, a stone wall means nothing can be solved and the problem will not be solved.