These sex myths are hindering your relationship

Sex myths (SM) are barriers to thriving sexual relationships.

SM are erroneous beliefs and attitudes that affect a couple’s sex life. They are unquestioned, implicit ideas that can lead to unrealistic expectations and unnecessary stress.

If SM becomes deeply ingrained, it can lead to dissatisfaction or problems in the bedroom. It’s important to identify the myth you hold and work against it.

We outline some SMs here and how to fight against them.

Keep in mind that many SMs exist and this list is not exhaustive.

Spontaneity is key

It’s the belief that sex should always be spontaneous and unplanned. However, adhering to this myth may lead to no sex. With busy lives, sex can easily be overlooked.

This myth ignores the importance of communication and intentionality in a healthy and active sex life.

Solution: Schedule sex into your life. In the My Love Your Love app, we’ve created an exercise called “Create Time for Sexy Time” where you can discuss and schedule sex.

Penetrative sex is the only real sex

It’s a misconception that sex is only valid if it involves penetrative intercourse.

This myth ignores the diversity of sexual behaviors and intimate activities while increasing pressure to engage in penetrative sex, which can lead to sexual behavior problems in both men and women.

It ignores other forms of sexual pleasure that can be equally or more satisfying. Solution: Spend more time having non-penetrative sex. Think of foreplay as sex, not something that happens before sex. Try a no-penetration sex challenge and focus only on touch.

Orgasm is necessary for satisfaction

This myth perpetuates the idea that every sexual encounter must reach climax for both parties to consider it successful or satisfying.

Holding on to this myth can lead to frustration and even resentment. Orgasms are great, but they can also be elusive, especially if you’re stressed, depressed, or lost in thought. When it comes to sexual arousal and orgasm, the pressure to perform is real. The more pressure you put on yourself to be aroused or orgasm, the more elusive arousal and orgasm will be.

Everyone’s ability to have an orgasm is different, so if you hold on to this myth, you’ll unknowingly be adding stress to yourself or your partner, which will inevitably have the opposite effect.

Solution: When having sex, focus on the process rather than the end result. Spend more time on foreplay and end sex if you no longer feel aroused.

Decreased desire in long-term relationships

This myth assumes that desire wanes as an individual ages in a long-term relationship.

Holding this assumption will inevitably lead to your sexual relationship being neglected.

Age may be one factor that affects sexual desire, but there are many others, including physical health, mental health, relationship dynamics, and changes in sexual attitudes. Holding myths like this reduces the need to invest in a sexual relationship, no matter what stage of life you are at. It also ignores the potential for a fulfilling and enjoyable sex life at any stage of life.

Solution: Prioritize your sex life. Talk about sex often. Rekindle passion and desire.

No need to communicate

This myth assumes that partners should know each other’s desires and preferences without open and honest communication. This may lead to unsatisfactory sexual encounters and avoidance of sex.

Everyone is different and will have different preferences when it comes to sexual arousal and sex. It’s unlikely that you have the same preferences as each other or previous partners.

Solution: Discuss with your partner what you like and don’t like.

more is always better

It’s a misconception that the amount of sexual contact is directly proportional to the quality of the relationship. It prioritizes quantity over quality of sexual encounters, ignoring the importance of emotional connection and intimacy.

Solution: Shift your focus from the quantity of sex to the quality of sex. Time your sexual encounters so they are not interrupted or rushed.

Every sex should be perfect

This myth is about the belief that every sexual encounter should be perfect, without any challenges or awkward moments.

Holding such a view will inevitably lead to disappointment and frustration. Sex can be explicit and messy. You may experience awkward postures, sensations, and sounds.

Arousal levels vary from day to day and may be affected by current health and current status. So every sexual encounter can’t be perfect.

Solution: Try to view every sexual encounter as an opportunity to be with your partner. Focus on intention and connection rather than a set of results.

Sex is easy and natural

The idea is that good sex should happen naturally and easily, without any study, practice or effort.

Sex is something we get better at with practice and exploration, so clinging to the myth that sex should be effortless and natural will not only lead to disappointing sex, but it won’t let you explore the potential of a sexual relationship.

Solution: Discuss with your partner what kind of sex you both want during this particular sexual encounter. Be open to new experiences and provide encouraging feedback throughout the process.

Men always want sex/women don’t

This myth involves stereotypical assumptions about gender and sexuality, perpetuating the idea that men are always ready for sex and women are less interested.

This myth adds unnecessary pressure on men to have sex at any given time, while diminishing women’s desires to become secondary to men’s desires.

Solution: Discuss when each of you prefers sex and take turns initiating sex.

If your sex life is hindered by TSD or SM, you’re missing out on the wonderful benefits of a healthy sex life throughout the lifespan of your relationship.

Excerpt from 8 Love Links edited by Shahn Baker (Publish Central $34.95) Thorekley and Helen Robertson. Shane and Helen are clinical psychologists Couples therapist and co-founder of couples coaching app My Love your love. For more information, please visit www.8lovelinks.com