The Real Key to Consent Is Female Pleasure – Here’s Why | Sex

Although we live in an era of consent awareness, even the (very important) conversations sparked by the sex-positive and #MeToo movements lack meaningful discussion on one crucial topic: female pleasureWe can’t really talk about what consent is, how to ask for it and how to give it, without also talking about pleasure, and it’s time to reexamine what consent is. real consent It looks like.

Men—Freud, I’m looking at you—have controlled the discourse around female orgasm for most of history, and straight women have been socialized to prioritize male pleasure over their own. Whether in education or in media representations, female orgasm is either completely overlooked or reduced to a performative act meant to please the male gaze—mainstream porn being a major culprit. In real life, however, only straight women have been educated to prioritize male pleasure. 65% of heterosexual women reach orgasm during sex, compared to 95% of heterosexual men – this is the “orgasm gap” that we feminists never stop complaining about.

We are raised to believe, unequivocally, that the female orgasm is elusive, that our genitals are harder to navigateand if the man doesn’t come, sex is a failure, but when the woman doesn’t come, it’s okay *insert shrug emoji*.

Even our language reflects the privilege of being male. We confuse sex with the sexual act, the vulva with the vagina, centering the penis and penetration as the “right” way to have sex. Not only is this offensive and heteronormative and exclusionary of same-sex relationships (that’s a conversation for another time), but it also actively ignores the fact that most women do not achieve orgasm through penetration alone. The way we also talk about foreplay reflects our culture’s view of female sexuality. In addition to being sexy, Foreplay is essential to facilitate orgasm in womenand yet cisgender men see it as a penalty they have to pay to have sex with us. The truth is, society just doesn’t want women to enjoy sex.

We need to empower women to communicate what they want (and what they don’t want)

Neglecting female sexual pleasure reinforces the idea that the female body exists solely for male gratification, and that women are not supposed to enjoy or even control their bodies, but rather men do. This fuels a culture that shames women for enjoying sex, but has no problem sexualizing or objectifying us for its own gain, and that presents the female body as a plaything for men. When the playing field is so skewed and women are actively discouraged from enjoying their own bodies, how can we ever hope to eradicate sexuality? sexual assault? If we don’t encourage women to express what they want in bed (and don’t encourage men to care), how will they be able to express what they want? don’t do it to want?

“When women are encouraged to take their sexual pleasure seriously, they not only feel a greater sense of well-being, but they also set better boundaries for themselves about what behavior is and is not acceptable,” says the sex expert, presenter and psychotherapist. Lucy Beresford“Whether it’s eliminating body shame, understanding what turns women on individually, or breaking taboos around female sensuality, embracing female pleasure empowers us all.”

Consent is more than just “not assaulting”

Consent shouldn’t be about avoiding sexual assault or getting that obligatory “yes” that absolves you of any criminal act. Consent is about mutual respect and having an ongoing conversation with your partner(s) about the sex you’re having, and caring not only for their safety, but also their pleasure. So when broflakes come at you with arguments like “you can’t even flirt with a woman these days,” all they’re doing is revealing themselves as the lazy, selfish lovers they truly are (stay away from these men!)

Closing the orgasm gap and educating everyone (but especially straight men) about female pleasure is one of the last frontiers of gender equality, and it’s fundamental to understanding consent. Reclaiming our sexual pleasure means reclaiming our bodies and eradicating the belief that women are passive sex objects. If consent is about saying an enthusiastic “yes,” you first need to know what makes you cum.

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