The Betrayed Partner: Escaping Shame through Dependence

Dr. Robert Weiss, LCSW

If you have a loved one who is addicted, especially if that person is addicted to sex, porn, or substances, you may have someone recommend that you read up on codependency and start attending Codependents Anonymous meetings.

You won’t hear this advice from Seeking Integrity. We don’t like the interdependence model. We feel like this might be a way to blame and shame you, to hold you accountable for what happened, when your only sin is loving someone who made some mistakes or suffered from an addiction. Codependency tells you to disengage, leave the addict, and let the addict sink or swim. Codependency tells you that you love too much, which can harm both you and the addict.

At Seeking Integrity, we think it’s a whole bunch of things you know. We think it’s impossible to love too much. We think it’s crazy to suggest you leave your loved one when he’s struggling and ultimately trying to do something about it.

But what’s the alternative, you ask? Another option is dependency.

What is independence?

Prodependence is a new concept in addiction medicine that aims to improve the way therapists treat loved ones of addicts and other troubled people. With its focus on positive attachment, dependence eliminates the pitfalls of codependency that often leave loved ones of addicts feeling confused and misunderstood rather than supported and acknowledged. Prodependence chooses to celebrate and value a loved one’s desire to stay connected no matter what, while providing the person with the skills to do so in the healthiest way possible.

ground yourself in independence

To learn more about codependency, you might want to read my book Dependence: Beyond the Myth of Codependency. You may also want to attend at least some of our free online webinars and discussion groups, some of which focus on dependencies.

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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity provides inpatient treatment for people with sex, pornography, and substance/sex addictions, as well as low-cost online work groups. Meanwhile, SexandRelationshipHealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and drop-in discussion groups, podcasts, and more.