Sexual Perfectionism – How It Destroys Desire and

Published on June 11, 2025

6 minutes to read

Have you ever found yourself worried about being impressive in bed, rather than enjoying it? you are not alone. In our performance-centric culture, high standards are often placed on our sexual experiences, sometimes impractical.

But when we start chasing sexual perfection in our sex, just like we do in other parts of our lives – it can cause problems. Not only within us, but also within our relationship.

As a sex therapist and coach, I have been working on deeper emotional and psychological cues that shape our sexual life.

In this article, I am having an eye-opening conversation with PhD candidate Noémie Viens to a bed podcast with Science. We talked about the connection between perfectionism and sexual experiences – her findings may change your perception of sex.

Want to hear it? Listen to the podcast episode from Science below: Sex Podcast.

The perfectionist trap in relationships

Sexual perfectionism is not only a fascinating phrase, but a true psychological phenomenon. Noémie Vien’s research tracked over 300 couples for a year, focusing on three types of perfectionism:

• Self-oriented perfectionism – When you have high expectations for yourself.
• Other perfectionism – When you have high expectations for others.
• Perfectionism of social regulations – When you feel external pressure becomes perfect.

Research has found that these three types of perfectionism appear not only at work or at home, but also in the bedroom.

When sexual perfectionism feels like verification

Interestingly, self-oriented perfectionism and higher Sexual desire for a partner. Why? Because for some people, sex becomes a way to realize ability, confidence and self-worth.

This moment may not be that many, but to prove that you are good at sex.

This pursuit of sexual perfection always seems to want to impress your partner, trying to make sure they feel pleasant every time, or measure your value by their needs.

But while this perfectionism may increase desire in the short term, it can transform sex from connected experience to one of the performances. It can be argued that this may get rid of the meaning of gender; two (or more) bodies merge together and experience fun rather than performance.

The dark side of performance pressure

On the other hand, the results of perfectionism with social prescriptions are very different.

Those who believe external stress is sexual perfection report higher levels of sexual distress and lower sexual function. This means more anxiety, more frustration, and sometimes physical difficulties, such as sexual behavior or orgasm.

When you are consumed by thoughts during sex, “Am I doing this?” or “Do I look good enough?”it is almost impossible to stay present and enjoy this moment. Instead, your mind is speeding, trying to meet the invisible standard.

How perfectionism affects your partner

Perfectionism in relationships is not only a solo experience, but can overflow and deeply influence your partner. Vien’s research found that in heterosexual couples, their female partners often report higher sexual pain when men exhibit socially prescribed perfectionism.

Researchers believe this may be because perfectionism leads to excessive assurance or self-doubt, which may conflict with cultural norms that expect men to be confident and control in their bedroom.

Our culture usually focuses a lot on the bed “good”. Over the years, in meetings with clients, I have noticed that many of the fun that brings to male clients has to do with being seen as a good performer.

So, really wonder if it will also affect their female partner when they feel the performance of external stress?

Interestingly, the same effect no It is found in male partners that only when female partners experience social pressure can they become perfect sexual behavior.

However, in my practice, I noticed that when women in opposite sex relationships struggle with sexual difficulties, their male partners sometimes interpret it as reflecting their performance.

If she doesn’t lubricate, orgasm or initiate, not just her experience, then his fail. This dynamic translates common moments into personal tests.

Simply; many of us experience stress that is good enough during sex, which can also affect our partner.

Sexual perfectionism: It’s rising

Curran et al.’s paper shows that perfectionism, especially socially prescribed perfectionism, is particularly among the younger generation.

This may not be surprising to anyone. Social media, cultural shifts in personal success and unrealistic portrayals of gender in porn can lead to this growing pressure.

Therefore, it is no wonder that sexual perfectionism is becoming more and more common. We are bombarded with information about “perfect body”, “perfect sex life” and “perfect relationship”. For many people, anything less feels like a failure. Even if not (!).

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Real life consequences of pursuing sexual perfection

Sexual perfectionism is exhausting.

It creates a high-pressure environment in which gender becomes a performance rather than a connection. And, when your goal is perfect, it’s easy to overlook what really matters – pleasure, intimacy, trust, and fun.

More importantly, perfectionism can lead to emotional disconnection.

Those with a high degree of perfectionist tendency may avoid vulnerability, struggle in communication, and find it difficult to share insecurity with a loving partner.

How to solve perfectionism in sex life

So, what if you know yourself (or your partner) in these patterns?

• Determine your belief in perfection. Write down what you think makes “good sex”. You might be surprised at how long and unrealistic the list is. This may be enough to help you decide to start challenging your beliefs.
• Talk to your partner. Open communication helps shift focus from performance to connection. Share your fears, expectations, and insecurities.
• Practice self-sympathy. Accepting that you are not perfect does not mean giving up—it means knowing your humanity. You can take a few days off (months!).
• Create space for imperfection. Laugh when things are not planned. Celebrate awkward moments instead of trying to hide them. They are part of a true intimacy.
• Seek professional support. A sex therapist or coach can help you or your relationship go beyond these perfectionist pressures and move towards a more fulfilling, truly intimate relationship.

Final thought: Let go

Sexual perfectionism rarely helps.

It may start with a desire to get better, feel valuable or connected, but usually end up doing the opposite. It creates walls where there should be bridges.

Ultimately, when we intend to impress people, but when we dare to show up, intimacy thrives. No matter what the moment is.

So, whether it’s your own expectations or what you absorb from society, you can take a step back. Consider whether you can try to let go of perfectionist tendencies and make room for real connection.

That is where good things live. That’s where passionate sex and deep connections.

And if it’s a bit impossible to even imagine that it’s easy to let go of perfectionism right now, know that you’re not alone, and it will help if you want to.

Need help with this in your own relationship? This free exercise can help you and your partner get rid of the perfect thoughts about sex, free you from expectations and create easier, connected and true sexual dynamics. Free movement here.