Sexual harmony: Mental and physical arousal are not always

Let’s talk about sexual harmony. Sexual harmony means that your mental excitement matches your physical excitement.

It’s not just about knowing you’re aroused, it’s about feeling it. An erection tells you that your body is aroused. If you can’t feel an erection, can you still know that your body is aroused? Beyond that, can you tell if you’re somewhat aroused, moderately aroused, or extremely aroused?

It’s not about lust either. If you were on the beach and a woman walked by wearing nothing but three postage stamps and some clothes, you wouldn’t need an erection to know that that sight would excite your body. But she’s not your wife, and you wouldn’t want to have sex with her.

Multiple studies have found that men generally have much higher consistency in sexual arousal than women. Part of this is due to the biofeedback we get from having an erection. We learn to match the sensations in our heads with what’s going on in our pants. Women don’t have this mechanism for low or moderate levels of sexual arousal.

This is also influenced by the idea that “a good girl doesn’t” She may avoid thinking about her sexual desire, or downplay it because of it.

Another problem is that most women can become sexually aroused when they don’t want to. Some horny date is making out with her, thinking that if he gets her aroused, he can get sexual satisfaction from her. If she’s determined not to have sex with that guy, she won’t admit her sexual desire to him, and she probably won’t admit it to herself.

Ignoring or denying arousal may become a habit she develops after marriage. An extreme version of not feeling aroused is not knowing she will orgasm until it happens out of the blue. This is very rare for men, but many women experience it.

This might cause you trouble:

• If you can tell she’s turned on, you might think that means she’ll want sex. If she doesn’t realize she’s turned on, she might be upset because you think she should want sex. Or maybe she realizes she’s turned on, but for some reason, she’s not interested in sex at the moment.
• Let’s say during foreplay, your fingers tell you that her body is highly aroused. If she doesn’t realize she’s so aroused and you just follow her body’s cues or continue with intercourse, she might wonder why you’re in such a hurry. Or she might feel like you don’t care about her needs. She might think you’re only concerned with your own pleasure and forgo orgasming.

That’s the point: Her body is not the “correct” measure of her sexual desire. The feeling between her ears is what matters. She doesn’t want to be a slave to her body, and she certainly doesn’t want you to tell her she’s horny when she’s not feeling it.

Image credit: © boygostockphoto | stock.adobe.com
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