Porn Addiction: Couples Therapy – Sex and Relationships

Erin Snow

Porn addicts in long-term relationships may want to consider couples counseling in addition to other forms of support as they enter recovery and begin the recovery process. That said, couples counseling should be done at the right time and for the right reasons. Otherwise, it may be counterproductive.

Generally speaking, we recommend that porn addicts and their partners focus on individual work during the first few months of recovery. Working as a couple can wait. In seeking integrity, we recommend doing so for two main reasons:

1. Couples counseling can be emotionally difficult, and if the addict does not have a foundation in recovery, they may relapse in order to calm the emotions that arise.
2. Couples counseling relies heavily on honest communication, and newly recovered addicts often struggle with this, making the couple less productive.

Couples counseling can be very helpful when both parties (especially the addict) have made sufficient progress in their personal recovery. Often, couples therapy works best when both the addict and the betrayed partner have separate therapists, and their own well-being is the primary concern. In couples counseling, no one person is considered the primary client. Instead, the therapist will focus on helping relation heal. Customers are relationships, not any individual.

Ideally, a couples counselor should be familiar with sex and porn addiction and the healing process. Otherwise, they may become highly reactive to the addict’s behavior, which doesn’t help anyone. Addicts and their partners also need a therapist who understands the need for and process of full therapeutic disclosure. For these two reasons, your best choice for couples work is a CSAT-certified couples therapist.

Full Therapeutic Disclosure (FTD) is just what the name suggests, a process in which the addict reveals everything about the addiction (in non-graphic, non-triggering language) to the betrayed partner. It’s a process that lasts several weeks and typically begins three to six months into an addict’s recovery journey—after the addict breaks through denial and is finally able to be completely honest with themselves and others. Each person’s personal therapist, as well as a couples counselor, will be present and fully involved during all stages of the process.

There are some excellent books on how best to do FTD, and all CSATs are trained in the process, so we won’t delve into that here. Instead, let me just say that if porn addicts want to heal their damaged relationships, they will almost certainly need to engage in FTD. Additionally, partners who have been betrayed by a porn addict almost always want and need FTD as part of their personal and relationship therapy. When everything finally comes out, both parties and the relationship can finally move forward.

The alternative to the FTD process is known as “trickle-down truth.” This occurs when the addict reveals or betrays a partner who discovers information a little at a time. Many of my CSAT colleagues refer to this as “death by paper cuts,” which is a good description. It is better for both parties and the relationship to wait for the therapeutically supervised disclosure process than to confess the truth in a piecemeal fashion.

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If you or a loved one is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, Seeking Integrity can help. In addition to residential rehab, we offer low-cost online workgroups for male sex addicts and male porn addicts new to recovery. Click here to learn about our Sex Addiction Task Force. Click here to learn about our Porn Addiction Task Force.