Porn Addiction: Beginning Recovery

Dr. Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT

Porn addicts almost always need outside help if they hope to recover. If they could change on their own, they would, but they can’t, so they don’t. Shame and regret over porn addiction and its associated consequences are not enough to stop porn addicts from relapsing into their old habits when faced with the emotional and psychological challenges of addiction. Willpower alone will not work. Without outside support, the promises of change that porn addicts make to themselves and others will almost inevitably fall through.

The good news is that with the proper guidance and support, lasting sobriety and a happier, healthier life are possible. However, before beginning this journey of emotional healing and sexual recovery, porn addicts must understand that they need to be open and honest about their problematic sexual fantasy lives and behaviors with empathetic and supportive people.

That being said, the first step in the journey to porn addiction treatment is internal: the addict must decide that they want to break free from their addiction. Often, this willingness to enter recovery is because the addict has experienced negative consequences related to porn. Often, the addict’s relationships, job, standing in the community, or even freedom are threatened. Other times, the motivation is internal, and the addict simply doesn’t like the person they’ve become and wants to change. It doesn’t matter where the initial motivation comes from—even superficial remorse can get things started—as long as the motivation is there to some degree.

Once a porn addict is motivated to change and willing to accept outside help, they should do so. This process begins with finding an accountability partner.

An accountability partner is someone who holds an addict accountable for the work that needs to be done and provides feedback as they go along. This supportive mentor is often a therapist, 12-step recovery sponsor, non-shaming clergy member, or close friend who is recovering from addiction. (Porn addicts should not use their spouse or any other romantic partner as their accountability partner, as these people are almost always too close to the situation—and too damaged by it—to provide the objective input needed.)

If a porn addict finds themselves unwilling to find a suitable accountability partner, they should promise a loved one or close friend who understands their situation that they will find someone suitable within a certain time (48 hours is recommended), and then they should ask the loved one or friend to ensure this.

Here are some of the more common early recovery commitments that an accountability partner might ask a porn addict to make:

• Promise to help as soon as the addict feels stimulated to use pornography.
• Promise that if an addict does come into contact with pornography, immediate help will be provided.
• Get rid of all physical objects related to the problem. For example, the addict would need to get rid of all books, magazines, VHS tapes, DVDs, flash drives, and other storage devices that contain pornographic images or stories, as well as any related paraphernalia such as lubricants and sex toys.
• Go through your computer, laptop, tablet, smartphone, etc. and delete all files, emails, bookmarks, personal data, and apps related to your addiction.
• Cancel memberships to any addiction-related websites, apps, and brick-and-mortar organizations, as well as any credit cards used to pay for those memberships (to ensure memberships don’t automatically renew).
• Commit to staying away from “non-porn” and other gray area activities.
• Commit to only using digital devices where other people can see the screen.
• Purchase and install “parental control software.” These filtering and accountability software products (Net Nanny, Qustodio, Covenant Eyes, etc.) prevent users from visiting problematic online venues and monitor the addict’s use of digital devices, often providing reports to the addict’s accountability partner.
• Develop and implement a plan for alcohol withdrawal (a cycle plan).

In my future posts to this site, I will discuss the individual nature of sexual withdrawal, the creation of the Circle Program, and the ways in which porn addicts typically experience (and overcome) withdrawal symptoms.

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