looking for freedom

Believe it or not, a relationship that took me to the depths of hell actually benefited me in many ways. You might be thinking, “This girl is crazy,” but honestly, I never knew my self-worth and what I deserved until now. Finding freedom was possible because of my past experiences.

How many people can tell you exactly what they want in a relationship? I’m not talking about dates and physical stuff, I’m talking about deal breakers and character traits, which are the big deal.

Now when I look in the mirror I see a queen

When I look at myself in the mirror I see my worth, I am a diamond, a warrior and a queen. Believe it or not, I was a victim and that was exactly how I saw myself, a person who was labeled a victim and my self-worth suffered. For a long time I let the men in my life dictate how I felt, and when I was allowed to feel it, for a long time I was only with men who were capable of loving themselves.

It took me a long time to realize that they never cared. They never asked me how my day was, they never asked me how I felt, they never even asked me if I was happy being with them. They only care about themselves. It was always about how they felt, what they wanted to do, their pain, their suffering and their problems, and what I was going through was never in their mind.

I’ve been through hell and doubted myself

They put me through hell, from doubting myself to always feeling like I wasn’t good enough, physically to emotionally, they broke me down. Sometimes I can’t figure out whether physical pain or emotional pain hurts me more and affects me more.

I think the physical toll on me was worse at the time, but it wasn’t until days, weeks and years later that the emotional toll became worse and I would question every little thing about myself, cry myself to sleep, cry while driving, in Crying in the shower, wishing every moment that you could see the pain in my eyes and ask me if I was okay. Every moment I wonder when you will realize that everything I do is for you, when you will start to appreciate me, even just a little bit.

It feels like I’m always alone with my thoughts

My thoughts would eat me up and I felt like I was always alone with them and I felt like I had to go through this alone because I knew they would never be there for me. Maybe that’s why I hurt myself, maybe that’s why I keep feeling so numb and questioning myself if I’m overreacting because who else do I have to talk to? Every time I try to talk to them about it, or even try to talk about myself, they ignore me, tell me not to overreact, change the subject, tell me to shut up and stop complaining.

It’s those nights when I fall asleep alone that I realize I don’t need them, those nights when they’re gone with other people, friends, or excuses, parties and businesses. I just need myself, I am the only one who has my back, only me. Being so alone taught me that I was worthy. Being with them but feeling lonelier than ever is the opposite of what it should be.

I regain my independence

I learned to be independent, to take care of myself, and to take care of my own feelings. That moment when you feel like you are strong enough to take on the world on your own is a very powerful and exhilarating moment. Despite the pain and suffering they put me through, I am still strong. I experienced waves of physical and emotional abuse from them, their judgments, and their savage comments. I realize exactly how I should be treated, but I’m not. I realized they couldn’t love me the way i deserve.

looking for freedom

Hell became the best thing that ever happened to me because of hell I realized my worth. i realized how worthy of love and affection I am, even though they always tell me I’m not special enough, or don’t deserve it, or that others deserve it.

they help me become indestructible

Even though I believed all these terrible reasons at the time, I’m glad they told me that and I’m glad they thought I wasn’t worthy. I’m glad they told me I didn’t deserve kindness and generosity and that I shouldn’t be spoiled because it made me realize even more how valuable I am. They help me become the strongest version of myself and help me break free from their control and enter a new life filled with love and value.

I am worth more than they can give me. Love, affection, appreciation, surprise dates, walks along the water, kisses on the forehead, respect, trust, and honesty are all things I truly deserve and these are all things I appreciate now more than I thought was possible.

I never thought I would say these words, but I am grateful for everything they have put me through. I cringe physically and mentally as these words come out of my mouth, but deep down I’m grateful because if it weren’t for them, if it weren’t for the hell they put me through, I would never have been able to truly I deserve someone who gives me their heart and fully appreciates it.

I’ll never settle for less

Because of them, I will never settle for anything less than what I deserve and for the first time I am able to put myself first.

The moment you realize your worth is not based on how much I do for others, or how much crap I can take. The moment I realized that my worth was defined by myself, the sky was the limit for what I deserved. I deserve self-care, self-love, and self-respect. I have become my own first believer.

Anyone, not just women, should know that no one has the right to put them down or make them feel worthless and unworthy of love.

We are worthy of being fought for, we are worthy of being chased, we are worthy of being spoiled, we are worthy of love, we are worthy of commitment, and if someone tells us otherwise they are not worthy of our existence.

morgan x

Author: Morgan is from Oh Zone Adult Living Center