Loneliness is an internal job

Scott Brassart

I have two recovery mentors and I have the honor of Dr. Robert Weiss and Dr. David Fawcett almost every day. These two men preach one thing above the rest in terms of soberness and emotional recovery: they need to be closely connected.

The longer I wake up, the more I understand this motto.

My active addiction is over 20 years of hard work to eliminate disconnection and loneliness. I desperately want intimate connections, but instead of becoming vulnerable and reaching out to others in a way that makes them know what they really are, I build an emotional wall to keep them away. I say this every day and say a thousand things to tell people around me: “I don’t need you or want you, so please don’t invade my space.”

I do this because I’m scared. I think if I became vulnerable, if I showed you my true self, you would think I was weak, needed, flawed, or just not worth it. I thought you would reject me, laugh at me, put me in trouble, and be lonely forever. So I beat you, pulled myself apart, so I never have to feel pain.

Yes, I see the irony of desire to be intimate, but never take the risk of building it.

I’m very lonely. Of course, I don’t know because I never let myself feel it. Instead, I was numb with addictive substances and behaviors. That’s what the addict does, right? When we feel emotional discomfort, even if our addiction and isolation kill us – the body and soul are the same, we will escape it in any way necessary.

I thank my world for finally breaking down every day. I finally fell. I finally realized that I couldn’t live my lifestyle because I wasn’t actually life. I avoid life. I’m a walking zombie. By worrying and avoiding intimate connections, I missed what makes life worth it. I have no pain, but I have no happiness either.

When I entered healing, I was very lonely, out of touch with others, the world, and even myself. To stay safe, although what I really want and need is to be a “part”, I made the choice that makes me “different”. Sadly, this state is an internal task. My loneliness is mine Lonely. The people around me are not a problem. I’m the problem.

This is part of what I learned from addiction. This is not a lesson I want or expect to learn. What I want from recovery is to make people think I’m solving my own problems so I can keep my job, stay away from prison, not lose my home, etc. I’m not interested in meaningful changes. I hope my consequences stop, that’s it. But recovery is a way to sink, whether we want it or not. Even if there are problems as common as loneliness.

My addict kept saying hello to me with a smile and hug during group therapy and 12-step meetings. They kept asking me about my situation and then listened as they answered. Then they said, “We’re going to have coffee after the meeting. Will you join us?” And, “We’ll meet you tomorrow, right?” They even threw my phone number out of me and actually picked up the phone Call me.

In the early stages of recovery, I could hardly tolerate these connected efforts. Hugs make me want to jump out of my skin. I was scared of a ringtone. Chatting with a group of people on coffee (and laughing!)? I can’t manage it. But I also know that to a certain extent, these loving people provide me with the understanding, unjudgmental, emotional intimacy that I long for the rest of my life.

Eventually, I started looking forward to these kind proposals, and then I slowly began to accept them. Now, many years later, these great men and women are indispensable Intimacy with emotional Part of my daily life. They know me, warts and everyone, and they love me unconditionally. I know them, and love them the same way. I am no longer lonely. I no longer pursue disconnection. Instead, I took emotional risks because I knew that the joy of being known, accepted and cared for was my real person.

Finally, I know that loneliness is an inner work. The same goes for connections.

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