Kinks, Fetishes, Paraphilias and Pornography

Dr. Robert Weiss, LCSW

There was a time—and it was not that long ago—that socially, legally, and psychologically “acceptable” sex was between a man and a woman who were legally married, preferably in the missionary position, and solely for the purpose of procreation (and perhaps male pleasure). Everything else is taboo, maybe even sick and illegal. A prime example is homosexuality, which was both illegal and classified as a mental health disorder in our country until the early 1970s, when the American Psychiatric Association finally “declassified” it and jurisdictions slowly followed suit.

Over the years, perversions, fetishes, and paraphilias have been similarly socially, psychologically, and even legally stigmatized, leading many people with “non-traditional” sexual interests to feel shame, repress their sexual desires, and struggle with anxiety, depression, and other forms of emotional and psychological discomfort.

At this point, you may be wondering what the difference is between a kink and a fetish, and what exactly a paraphilia is. If you search the Internet for these terms, you’ll find relatively broad definitions of kinks and fetishes, as well as clinical definitions of paraphilias. My definitions of these three concepts are as follows:

• Tangled: This is a broad term describing non-traditional sexual interests that people occasionally use to spice things up.
• Fetish: An unconventional sexual interest is a key element of sexual arousal—a major element of deep and lasting, perhaps even desire.
• Paraphilia: A recurring, intense, sexually arousing, non-traditional sexual interest that also causes deep distress or psychological disturbance to the individual.

Kinks and fetishes do not represent psychological disorders, and they are not illegal for consenting adults. Paraphilia is classified as a psychological disorder because it causes deep distress and disability to the individual, but this is less about the specific behavior and more about how the behavior (and fantasies about that behavior) affects the individual’s life. Paraphilia may or may not be illegal, depending on the act and jurisdiction. For example, sex with animals is illegal, but cross-dressing is not.

Since time immemorial, people have had arousal patterns with sexual kinks and fetishes, but until recently, they’ve lived in the shadows. Most people, even sex therapists, know very little about them and are afraid to discuss them. People who want to engage in these behaviors either hide their desire completely and never mention it because they think they are the only ones, or they hunt around and risk social shame (or worse) to indulge.

Then we had the internet.

According to Urban Dictionary, Internet Rule 34 states: “If it exists, there will be porn. If it doesn’t exist, there will be.” This applies best to kinks and fetishes. Whatever you like, you can find it online, and there are probably other people who like it and are willing to chat. There might even be some kind of organization that can help you find like-minded people. If you’re reading porn, you might stumble upon some new tricks to rev up your engine.

As I’ve written elsewhere (Psychology Today), pornography can reveal elements of a person’s arousal template that were previously unknown to them. That’s because, in today’s world, pornography is not only available in unlimited supply, but also in a huge variety. Because of this, countless users are (intentionally or unintentionally) exposed to, and aroused by, behaviors they had no idea would pique their interests. Basically, porn reveals elements of arousal templates that they were previously unaware of or simply repressed. Once these attractions are revealed, they never disappear.

When the arousal and revelation of pornography are combined, an interest in kinks and fetishistic behavior manifests itself. For a lot of people, this is great. These people improve their existing sex life by adding a little kink, or they discover a “missing” element in their sex life and start incorporating that excitement into their behavior. For others, however, these newly discovered sexual arousing factors may cause psychological distress (paraphilia) or even be illegal. Either way, sex or porn addiction can occur.

No, I am not saying that kinks, fetishes, and paraphilias are elements of sex and porn addiction. The truth is, sex and porn addiction is not defined by who or what turns a person on in any way. When diagnosing compulsive sexual behavior, kinks, fetishes, sexual orientations, etc. are not included in the diagnosis. Having a kink or fetish doesn’t make you a sex/porn addict, just like not having a kink or fetish makes you a sex/porn addict.

That said, discovering a sexual kink or fetish through porn can be an extremely intense, highly arousing experience that can lead to obsessive-compulsive disorder and addiction in some people. Just like a substance user may escalate over time from beer to prescription opiates to an addiction to injecting heroin, porn users may escalate from relatively ordinary pornographic images to hardcore porn to viewing kink/fetish porn for hours on end each day.

However, this does not mean that everyone who reveals new elements of their sexual arousal template through pornography will become addicted. In fact, most people don’t, just like most people who try alcohol don’t become addicted. But for people who are susceptible to addiction and other psychological disorders due to genetic influences, unresolved early trauma and neglect, and similar dysfunctions, the intensity and excitement of kink/fetish porn can be a powerful catalyst for escalation and addiction.

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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity provides inpatient treatment for people with sex, pornography, and substance/sex addictions, as well as low-cost online work groups. Meanwhile, SexandRelationshipHealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and drop-in discussion groups, podcasts, and more.

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