How to deal with sexual frustration

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Feeling sexually frustrated? While this is a common experience, it can be very difficult to cope with.

That’s because it often raises questions that hit us hard. Like “What if I’m no longer attractive?” or “Maybe my partner doesn’t love me anymore?” or “What’s wrong with me?”

As a sex therapist and intimacy coach who specializes in treating low libido and mismatch, I’ve spoken with many partners over the years who don’t know how to deal with sexual frustration. It could be that they have sexual difficulties, or it could be that their desires don’t match.

Let’s be honest – and it’s not your fault – you probably were never taught how to deal with your frustrations.

In this article, we’ll take a closer look at why we get frustrated with sex and what we can do about it when it happens. Because while the simplest solution would certainly be to solve the problem at hand by, say, having more sex, we don’t get to dictate to others (nor should we try to).

This means that the way we deal with our feelings about the matter often has the biggest impact on our happiness.

Reasons why you feel sexually frustrated

There are many reasons why you might feel nervous about sex. Some common experiences that lead to depression may be:

Orgasm struggle

Whether you find it difficult to reach orgasm or you climax faster than you’d like, it can be painful. For many men, orgasm is closely tied to their manhood and masculinity. For women, not coming can also feel disappointing and make you feel inferior or somehow broken.

Mainstream media depicts sex so much that it can leave you feeling alone and frustrated when things don’t go as planned.

Difficult to get hard or wet

We’re told that sexual arousal will always happen if we have a sexual desire – but that’s not true. Physiological arousal is complex, and sometimes we may be tempted to enter a mental state, but nothing is happening in our brains.

To make matters worse, sometimes our partners react adversely, acting sad, confused, or angry, which makes it more difficult for us emotionally and causes our bodies to break down because they’re not doing what we think they should be doing. Feeling frustrated.

When sexual feelings are less intense

Sometimes we may do all the right things, but we still don’t feel anything during sex. Or we have sex for a partner and therefore have no sexual arousal, which makes sex boring and sometimes painful.

There’s nothing more annoying than feeling like we’re dead when we’re trying our best to feel joy.

If your partner has low libido

One of the most common complaints I get at work is that someone’s partner or spouse has low libido.

For those in monogamous relationships, differences in desire levels are almost by default difficult to deal with. Because monogamy usually means you can do anything with anyone except sex. So it’s easy to get frustrated when you both can’t have sex at the end of the day.

But don’t be fooled—this pent-up anger isn’t just about not being released physically. There is no danger in not releasing it when you turn it on.

One of the biggest reasons why dealing with sexual frustration is so difficult is our understanding of it. For example, it can make you question:

• Your overall relationship and whether your partner still loves you
• If you suddenly become “unattractive”
• If you or your partner have serious problems
• should you be together

Asking such deeply emotional questions, it’s no wonder you have a hard time dealing with your frustrations.

Because it’s no longer just about sex, it’s something that could affect your entire life.

If you can’t find a sex partner

While there are many benefits to being single, it also has drawbacks, such as sometimes it’s hard to find someone to have sex with.

This kind of sexual frustration, like the kind found in committed relationships, is often difficult to deal with because it affects us to the core. It also raises questions about our worth as a person and makes us wonder if we are “a trap” or if we will ever meet someone.

Different sexual interests in monogamous relationships

A mismatched sexual desire isn’t the only cause of sexual distress in a relationship—wanting different things in bed can be, too.

Whether your partner likes new things more than you do, or you need more fantasy play than they do, it can be difficult to bond with your gender differences. Especially when you have a hard time talking about them at the same time (another common problem I see as a sex therapist).

When another sexual experience ends with you feeling unsatisfied because you weren’t allowed to be your true self sexually – it can be very painful.

Do you want to feel closer to your partner?

My free resource, The Intimacy Guide Gives you access to tools that can help you increase the shared intimacy in your relationship—with or without sex.

Download the 13-page guide and you’ll also get access to my much-appreciated weekly newsletter. You can unsubscribe at any time.

How to deal with sexual frustration in a relationship or marriage

Now that you know some of the common reasons for frustration – let’s dig a little deeper into what you can do to combat the problem if you’re in a long-term relationship.

Because while it may feel hopeless right now, it’s not.

solve it

Whether you’re having sex less often than you’d like or you’re worried about a shaky erection, the first step is always talking about it.

If you don’t, you risk increased anxiety. Over time, this can lead to sadness, anger, and even less emotional intimacy.

Tell your partner how you feel. Share with them why this is an important issue to you. This is especially important if you’ve been having arguments about sex.

Your partner may feel like “all you want is sex” even though it may not be, and they understand what sex is method Being on a deeper level can make all the difference for you.

Have a non-accusatory conversation. This is a common trap we all fall into at times, but it really doesn’t help. Especially because sexual frustration can make us feel like it’s all our partner’s fault, because “if they were just X, Y, Z” then I wouldn’t feel that way.

The thing is – even if it’s true – you never want your partner to have sex just for you. This can make sex a non-consensual experience.

Let’s be honest, having sex with someone you don’t want is not satisfying in any way, right?

There is a dynamic in every relationship, and no one person can be responsible for that dynamic—it actually takes two people.

Find other sexual outlets

Although obvious, this is a step not to be missed. Because if you can’t have sex with your partner and want to be with your partner, you need another outlet. Even if it’s just temporary.

This looks like exploring your sexuality in a variety of ways – mixing masturbation techniques with whatever fantasies you might be using. Even buying sex toys to experience different types of stimulation can make solo sex more satisfying in the long run.

This, in turn, will ease your sexual frustrations.

take care of your feelings

We are all responsible for our feelings (unless of course we are in an abusive relationship).

This means that even if you’re frustrated with your partner, venting to them isn’t fair and won’t solve anything. This is especially true if your partner has low libido.

Getting angry at them may just turn them away from you and the whole idea of ​​sex.

An important part of learning how to deal with sexual frustration is learning how to deal with your emotions. Sometimes this is done by processing the worrisome thoughts we have so that we don’t get stuck in a negative thought cycle that makes us feel bad and doomed. Cognitive behavioral therapy is a great way to understand your thoughts and beliefs.

Other times, it’s best to solve the problem by learning to recognize our emotions. The next step is to understand what they need to complete their course.

If your first reaction when your partner rejects you is anger, see what happens if you sit with that feeling for a while instead of impulsively acting on it. Sometimes you may find that underneath the anger is actually a completely different feeling—sadness or worry.

Sadness and worry require something completely different to go away than anger.

No matter how you feel, the key is to first identify what feels right. Because if you think it’s anger, but it’s actually sadness – nothing you do will cause your body to release that feeling.

If you feel that your sexual frustration is worsening into depression or severe anxiety, it’s important to see a mental health professional. Even though there are many ways to deal with your emotions, sometimes we just need outside help. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with us.

Exploratory Satisfaction Needs

Part of dealing with your pent-up sexual frustrations is to identify Why Sex is important to you. This can be accomplished by being honest with yourself about why sex has a deeper meaning, because like all things sexual, it’s often deeper than just “feeling good.”

If sex is your primary way of feeling loved or acknowledged, then it makes sense why not have sex the way you want, as often as possible, or if you struggle with sexual difficulties that are difficult to handle, it makes sense, right ?

Once you know why it’s important to you, you can use this information to resolve the issue with your partner.

The better you understand how the other person is thinking, the better the conversation will be. The closer you are to solving the problem.

Get professional help from a sex therapist

Sometimes we run into situations where DIY stuff just doesn’t cut it.

• Maybe you find yourself at an impasse with your partner, where every conversation turns into an argument.
• Maybe things will get better for a while, but soon they’ll be back to how they were before.
• Sometimes we feel so sad or depressed about the situation that it negatively affects our entire relationship or our mental health.

Whatever the reason, getting professional help, whether through 1:1 or 1:2 meetings, or through online workshops and courses, can help make a lasting impact.

Just like we might see a doctor when we’re sick, a sex therapist or coach can help when we’re having trouble with sex. There’s nothing weird or wrong about asking for help for something so personal. Trust me, we’ve heard it all forward.

If you’re ready to bet on your relationship and get over your sexual frustrations – check out my services here.

At the end of the day, know that you’re not the only one who finds dealing with sexual frustration tricky. Like many before you, things get better with the right help.

Imagine where you will be in six months if you take action today.