Sexual Performance
Redefining Sexual Performance Success
When I ask people in my office how they would define a successful sexual experience I most commonly hear things like: “It was fun”, “We felt connected”, and “We got to share something intimate.” Most people don’t want to define successful intimacy as “we mashed our bits together until someone had an orgasm and then we were done.” For some reason though, this is the idea that our society has landed on as “success.” It’s also typically couples or individuals with this idea of sex that are experiencing the most “performance” anxiety.
To start making this change, you can simply talk to your partner about how you’d each like to define successful intimacy. By broadening your definition of good intimacy, you reduce the pressure associated with sex. If success is a wider net, it’s a whole lot easier to initiate knowing things can go well just by having the opportunity to feel connected to one another.
The next piece of the performance mindset I want to look at is the fact that so many people try to shoot for the moon with each instance of sexual intimacy. The reality is that the sex you have is going to exist on a bell curve. There will be days when the sex is stellar and times when it’s pretty mediocre and that’s ok! Trying to have the best sex ever, every single time, creates an incredible amount of pressure. The thing is, if you’re communicating well and have a healthy definition of successful intimacy, even if mediocre sex is going to be nice, it’s still sex! Beyond that, by talking about sex and working on it as a couple, you can skew your bell curve so that things are more positive more often. As long as you know that sometimes it’s not going to be the best and that’s ok, you can take some pressure off.
What happens if I fail?
This question is one I see driving a great deal of sexual performance anxiety. There are so many people entering each session of intimacy fearing their partner’s reaction to the loss of an erection, difficulty orgasming, orgasming too soon, and a myriad of other things. I like to acknowledge here that sex is important. A healthy sex life is key to an overall healthy and happy relationship. So the pressure you can feel around making sex work can be very real. However, I find that when people are struggling with fear of failure in sex, their view is very narrow. What I mean by this is that they worry that if things don’t go well in any given instance of sexual intimacy, their partner is going to be hurt, reject them, or even leave them. While sexual challenges, if not discussed or worked on, can lead to relationships ending, this is true of any problem in a relationship. If you have a problem with conflict in your relationship, it’ll eventually lead to the end of that relationship unless you address and resolve it. Sex is no more or less important than any other aspect of a healthy relationship.
Patience and Commitment in Resolving Sexual Challenges
Take the First Step: Consult a Plymouth, MN Sex Therapist for Personalized Support
- Contact the Sexual Wellness Institute to set up your first appointment.
- Meet with one of our skilled online sex therapists for an intake appointment.
- Feel more confident about your sexual performance in bed, and beyond.
Other Sexual Wellness and Sex Therapy Services in Minnesota