Healing a broken relationship: I didn’t say you

Erin Snow

In their book, The Dog House for Christian Men: The Guide to Redemption is Deceived, authors Robert Weiss and Marnie Ferree list eight specific things that (or women) engage in sexual infidelity (with or without sexual addiction/urgency) can help you repair the damaged relationship. Although this advice comes from a book written for Christian audiences, the advice given is useful regardless of your spiritual belief system.

According to Weiss and Ferree, there are eight things you can do to fix other important connections:

• Develop empathy for your partner.
• Learn to disagree in a healthy and productive way.
• Rather than telling your partner what you care about, it’s better to say.
• Always keep in mind the need to rebuild relationship trust.
• Predict and respond to potential hazards before they occur.
• Don’t forget to take care of yourself.
• Thank you to your partner.
• Think of love as a verb.

In this article, we will look at the third item in this list: Rather than telling your partner what you care about, show.

When you make modifications and seek forgiveness after infidelity, the actions are much greater. You can tell your partner a thousand times, you’re sorry, and you do like them. But after dealing with all the lies and secrets, it will be hard for your partner to believe your words. Your actions need to support you. The following suggestions can help:

• Listen to what your partner says and try to actually hear it. Let it sink. Try to see things from a partner’s perspective and feel how they feel. More importantly, do so without reacting to any other form of negative emotions. This response requires a lot of practice and you won’t always do it perfectly (especially at first). However, your partner will appreciate the efforts you make and you will get better over time. If you are struggling, it is best to repeat your partner’s voice you hear, allowing your partner to guide and correct your explanation to make sure you do understand.
• Remember dates and events that are important to your partner. You may not focus on your first date anniversary, but if your partner has it on their calendar, you should also put it on your calendar. This also applies to their mother’s birthday, your child’s school drama, neighborhood picnics and any other activities they value. It is important to note, for example, your partner’s medical exam and other dates that may be stressful to them.
• It is best to spend time with your partner to do things you like or help tasks they don’t like. For example, when your partner is still sleeping, get up early and do housework. (And don’t expect Venus to do so.) You can also ask your partner to join the activities you find interesting, even if they may not be your partner’s favorites. When you do this, it’s wise to tell your partner that you know this activity is not the top priority of their enjoyment list, but if they want to come anyway, you’ll be happy about it. It would be great if your partner chose to join you. If not, at least you ask. It doesn’t matter as long as your partner understands that you want to spend time together.

Even if you implement the above suggestions imperfectly, your partner will notice the efforts you are putting in. Listen to your partner, make things that are important to your partner important to you, and hope to spend time together to tell your partner that you do indeed value your relationship.