FWB 101: A Beginner’s Guide to How to Make Friends with Benefits

Friends with benefits. FWB. It’s a catchy, catch-all description for the type of arrangement that many don’t consider a relationship. But can heartstrings ever Really Can sex be replaced with no commitment? Can we commit to no commitment? Or are we all just a little too human to not get in each other’s way, whether in matters of the heart or in matters of life? You know those two are intimately linked, right? I’m not sure why it’s so hard. I mean, if the best sex happens when you feel a connection (does anyone want to argue with that?), how is it possible to resist any latent connection while we fuck each other into oblivion?

Since we all know you’re going to try this no matter what I say, and you probably already have, consider behaving according to these 8 non-relationship rules:

1. Communicate (and keep communicating)

While some more fiery types would say that FWB agreements work best when both people prefer to repress their emotions (ha!), I’m a big advocate of communication. Pretty basic for any relationship, right?

Don’t act like it’s not a relationship. It’s just not the kind of relationship you avoid. It’s no surprise that people have different ideas about what a FWB relationship is. According to a 2014 study, many people avoid talking about their FWB relationship (even if they want to) in order to, well… appear casual.

Let’s talk about it, for the love of the goddess.

In case you missed the memo, there is no relationship under the orb we call the sun that does not require a few This is a form of communication that needs to be sustainable. Even though it’s not the kind of union that’s supposed to lead to marriage, mutual respect is always and always will be key, and a great way to achieve that is to be honest. Talk about your evolving desires and, of course, what you want and need in bed. Whatever you do, don’t skimp on this.

2. Know that one of you may feel emotions

Sex is a very complex field, including scientific ones. You can’t resist a rush of oxytocin for long when it comes to reaping its benefits.

Sometimes called the “love hormone,” it’s the chemical produced by your brain that increases when you touch, hug, kiss, and orgasmWomen generally have higher levels of it than men, but no one is exempt from the possibility of experiencing feelings.

I think the best way to deal with this possibility is to understand that the likelihood of one of you falling prey to your feelings is a reality, and to know how to leave if things get weird, no matter where you are. Is it really so bad to feel something? As long as you respect your own desires, no.

3. Have safe sex

Barrier methods (condoms, dental dams, gloves) combined with other methods of contraception if necessary are essential to prevent both IST and unwanted pregnancy— that are anything but fun, casual, or sexy. It’s simple: protect your body and theirs. Wear a condom. This will make protecting your heart much easier. And our hearts need all the love and protection they can get.

4. Set boundaries

Imagine yourself as someone who needs to be trained. Kind of like a dog. But more like a human.

This means monitoring behaviors such as romantic thoughts and relationship behaviors, including but not limited to: hugging, leaving your toothbrush or clothes at your “friend’s” house, public displays of affection, introducing him to friends, going on actual dates, clingy or jealous feelings – the list goes on.

Keep that shit under control. If you choose your special “friend” wisely, all of this can be possible. Which brings me to my next point.

5. Don’t try this with a real friend

This is a controversial point. I think it must be acknowledged that there is a fairly important difference between the kind of friendship that arises from a genuine pre-existing friendship and the kind of relationship that might more accurately be called “friendly relations.”

While I think the latter is a better idea, some would argue that it’s better to do the FWB thing with a pre-existing friend because the bond is stronger and more likely to survive, blah blah blah. I don’t know. To me, it seems like the consequences would be much worse. But then again, my closest friend in the world is also someone I was once infatuated with and ended up sleeping with – we were already close friends. Nothing really stuck between us, though, and that made things weird for a while. I think each individual case should be treated as a totally unique snowflake.

6. If you want more, say so.

Sometimes true love starts with a FWB relationship. Don’t you know there are no hard and fast rules? Maybe you’re slowly but surely falling in love with each other’s quirks, charms, and orgasmic faces. One thing is for sure, though: life as we know it has an expiration date. So don’t be afraid to express what you really want. Because if it works, it’s the stuff of legend. And if it doesn’t, it’ll build your character.

7. Hang out with other people

This will help you remember that you are not actually dating your partner. It is important to stay open to manifesting the type of relationship you truly desire. Assuming that dating is not the right fit for you. If so, I say you have the power. Keeping your options open is an energetic thing and is much easier said than done. But you can do it. There are many apps for this.

8. Be prepared for it to end

While it may not end (see #6), it probably will eventually. And many would argue that FWB arrangements work best with an expiration date. You know, a short shelf life. While it’s hard to manage your expectations, that’s really what we’re talking about here. Go into it with your eyes open and stay grounded throughout the entire journey. That way, if it does end, you’ll be in a good position to walk away in one piece.