Forget the “red flags” in your relationship – these “beige” signs are

You’ve heard of red flags in relationships, but what are “beige flags”?

Everyone knows to run when they see a red flag, but a beige flag is easily overlooked and not as noticeable.

The latter are more subtle behaviors or signs in relationships that signal potential conflict or even the possibility of abuse.

Discussions around these warning signs have intensified with the release of the film adaptation of Colleen Hoover’s novel It’s All Over, which follows Lily Bloom (Blake Lively) and her boyfriend Lyle Kincaid (Justin Baldoni) as they unfold.

Cheralyn Leeby, PhD, LMFT, shares some red flags to watch out for in relationships on Psychology Today.

When aggression takes over

Libby believes that responding through “explosions” and “aggression” is a strong sign of possible physical abuse in future relationships.

A 2001 study found that when people behaved aggressively toward inanimate objects, it was strongly associated with physical abuse in relationships. She noted that another 2023 study showed that coping mechanisms such as aggressive behavior often escalate into more serious consequences, such as violence and abuse.

Behaviors like these and intense emotional outbursts are red flags to watch out for, she advises.

Jealousy means emotional abuse

While subtle signs of jealousy and possessiveness may not seem alarming at first—and may even be seen as cute—they can turn into bigger problems.

One study showed that irrational, intense jealousy is an indicator of emotional abuse, especially in young people. Libby noted that another study found a correlation between jealous behaviors, such as constant surveillance and unfounded accusations, and a fearful environment that leads to dependency and potentially more serious forms of abuse.

It’s important to realize that jealousy is not necessarily a sign of love and affection, and noticing the signs early on can prevent further abusive relationships.

Stimulate social isolation

Social isolation is a common method used by abusers to control their partners, isolating them from their support network and making them more dependent on the abuser.

Isolation and lack of friendships can cause victims to not seek help or even recognize patterns of abuse.

Leeby notes that this may be subtle at first, appearing as a genuine concern for a partner’s well-being, but can ultimately lead to isolation and dependency.

‘Insidious’ gaslighting destroys self-esteem and trust

Libby said gaslighting — where an abuser manipulates a partner to make them doubt their own perceptions or reality — is a red flag to watch out for.

Research from 2019 showed that victims of gaslighting often experience lowered self-esteem, increased anxiety, and a loss of trust in their own judgment.

While it may not seem like a big deal in the moment, gaslighting can have long-term effects and leave psychological and emotional scars, making it what Libby describes as “one of the most insidious forms of psychological abuse.”

People around me expressed vigilance

A 2006 study found that a “significant proportion” of women who experienced physical abuse said their friends or family had expressed concerns or warnings to their partners.

Leeby said external warnings and observations often provide an objective perspective and should be taken seriously because they can alert people to dangers that may have been blinded by emotional involvement or denial.