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FF: Marriage Lie: Sex Isn’t That Important

Naked woman sitting on bed with a sign that says "Maybe next week. It's really not that big a deal."

You won’t hear many folks who say sex is not important in marriage, but plenty act as if it’s not important. Maybe the difference between words and actions suggests most of them know sex is more important than their actions say it is.

Naked woman sitting on bed with a sign that says "Maybe next week. It's really not that big a deal."

A study found above average sexual satisfaction was the number one predictor of being very happy in marriage, and that high sexual satisfaction was the number two predictor of not being prone to separation or divorce. These were true for both men and women. That means good sex results in a happier marriage and greatly reduces the chance of divorce. It is not a cure all, but it is significant and powerful, and nothing can take its place. If you have an otherwise “perfect marriage” and a poor sex life, you’re worse off than if you have an okay marriage and an okay sex life. If sex is a major problem in your marriage, and you care about your marriage, working on sex is the only sane choice. (And yes, not having much sex makes it a major problem.)

I want those who have chosen not to deal with sex to understand it really is a big deal, and ignoring it won’t make it go away. Forget the excuses, the reasons, the anger, the blame, and realise if it’s not fixed your marriage won’t be as happy as it could be. What’s more, you’re putting yourself at an increased risk of divorce. Given that, there is no good reason for allowing it to continue. Sexual refusal hurts the one who is told no, and when refusal happens often it sounds like “I don’t care about you, I don’t really love you”. Regardless of the reason behind the no, if refusal goes on too long, this is what it communicates.

Please note that this post was gender-neutral. About 30% of women want more sex than their husband, and his saying no is as harmful to the marriage as when the wife does it.

[This post first appeared Aug 25, 2012.]

Image Credit: © Paul H Byerly created with 
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