FF: Marriage Lie: God Didn’t Create Marriage To Make Us

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This one may get me some disagreement, as I’ve read plenty of folks who have said this, in some way.

The other form of this lie is “marriage is not about happiness”, but rather God made marriage as a way to perfect us, grow us up, help us work things out, make us holy, or something like that. I would agree God uses marriage to do these things, but He uses anything He can do to these things. Just because something is used for our perfection doesn’t mean it is why God created it! Does Pr 18:22 say, “He who finds a wife finds a way to holiness?”

If we want to discuss why God created marriage, we need to look at Adam. When God decided Adam needed a wife, Adam didn’t need to work through anything; he was without sin. If marriage was created for a man who didn’t need perfecting, then perfecting us can’t be why marriage was created. Why did God give Adam a wife? Because it was not good for Adam to be alone. Apparently, not even walking with God in the cool of the evening was enough, Adam needed something more.

I can hear some thinking, “Okay, but it’s still not about happiness”. Actually, it is, at least in part. Let’s go back to Deut 24:5, which we discussed recently. Here is the last part of the verse as various translations render it:

“… he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken.” ~ KJV
“He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.” ~ ESV
“For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.” ~ NIV
“…he shall be free at home one year and shall give happiness to his wife whom he has taken.” ~ NAS
“…he is to be free of external obligations and left at home for one year to make his new wife happy.” ~ CJB
“He gets one year off simply to be at home making his wife happy.” ~ The Message

The original Hebrew backs this. God wanted a man to dedicate a full year to learning how to make his bride happy. Some versions make it a mutual thing, making each other happy. God wants us to make our wife happy, and He wants our wife to make us happy. I know that doesn’t fit with much of what is taught today, but it has the annoying advantage of being in line with what Scripture actually says!

Why do so many teach marriage is not supposed to make us happy? The cynical answer would be to say those folks are not happy in their own marriages. While that might be part of the truth for some, I think there is more to it. Our society is overly concerned about being happy, having it all, never suffering. The “prosperity gospel” is a big problem, and I’m with those who oppose it. My guess is the “my marriage should make me happy” mantra is close enough to the prosperity gospel that it gets sucked in by those trying to stand against that lie.

Am I saying our marriage is supposed to make us happy? Given what the Bible says, I would say yes, it is His intention. A good marriage is a huge blessing, and it does bring joy, peace, happiness, and many other good things. Where we get in trouble is when we are more focused on what we should get than what we need to give. Your job is to bless your wife, and make her happy. It’s not your job to nag, whine, or gripe when your wife fails to make you happy. Let me be clear, I’m not saying if you’re unhappy it is your wife’s fault, nor am I saying you can’t be happy if your wife isn’t doing what she should. Happiness is, first and foremost, a choice we make; others can only build on the foundation we provide.

I know some couples do not find happiness in their marriage. I wonder if hearing repeatedly their marriage should in no way contribute to their happiness sets them up for being unhappy. Why do we tell them the lie marriage isn’t supposed to be about happiness? Let’s stop lying, let’s tell them the truth; God intended the joining of a man and a woman to be a source of great joy and blessing. Let’s make that the expectation!

[This post first appeared Aug 27, 2012.]

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