FF: Control Dynamics in Marriage: Common Pitfalls and Better Ways

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Couples deal with each other’s controlling tendencies in a variety of ways, but most are poor solutions that don’t lead to either party feeling satisfied with the status quo.

• My side, your side: Life is divided into areas, each controlled by one spouse. He is the king of the garage, she is the queen of the kitchen. He handles the bills, she handles the social schedule. Advice is ignored, help is not offered. Each person wants more control in some area that their spouse “rules,” but is unwilling to reciprocate by giving up control of any area they “rule.”

• It’s your responsibility: A worse version of the above is when we deal with things we don’t want to do by assigning them to our spouse as their responsibility. Men have been doing this for centuries, viewing certain things as “women’s work.” It becomes a control issue, limiting her time and energy. While it’s not as bad as it once was, it’s not going away. Women do this too.
• Tit for tat: When our spouse exerts what we perceive as too much control, it’s punishing them. This might look like some of the things I mentioned last week. Tit for tat can also be complaining excessively, or doing small things to get back at her; like “forgetting” something or losing something, or making her “pay” for crossing a boundary you want her to abide by.
• Now you see it, now you don’t see it: You want this, she wants that, and each of you keeps changing it. You want something in one place, she wants it in another place, and each of you keeps putting it in that place you Want it.

Is your marriage plagued by bad compromises or silly games because of unresolved control issues? Many of the “solutions” to bad control aren’t as obvious as the ones I’ve listed, so you might want to think about that.

[This post first appeared Sept 07, 2012.]

Image by Carolyn_Schmidt from Pixabay
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