Content Warning: Discussion of fatphobia, eating disorders, mentions of suicide, and fat obsession.

Accepting my fat self can be a long journey, even a lifetime one. Sometimes I look back on how I viewed my body, my fatness, and my thoughts about it, and feel like I’ve come a long way. Other times it feels like the progress has been minimal. I’m currently on the rise of self-acceptance and feeling happy with myself, my situation in life, and the way my body looks and feels. Like many people who grew up with criticism from their parents and/or judgment from their peers, I spent most of my life judging my body based on other people’s opinions and ideals. It wasn’t until I made a conscious decision to stop listening to those voices and find my own that I began to truly see myself when I looked in the mirror. I’m happy to say that I’m now happy with and love my body and what I see.

“You’re not fat! You’re beautiful!”

It amazes me how quickly people are able to project their insecurities onto fat bodies. Fat is not a bad word! I didn’t always use the word fat to describe myself because it was used as a weapon, used against me. Once I began to understand that fat is just an adjective, a descriptive word, and not a definition, it became easier to use it and to unlearn it. Interestingly, both fat people and thin people react the same way to fat people calling themselves fat. To be clear, I have never used the word in a derogatory sense, I use it as a descriptive word, For my own body. I live in a fat body, it’s a fact. My body is made up of many things: muscle, bone, water, and the fat beneath my skin. Using “fat” as a neutral word is surprisingly challenging and disturbing to people who are not fat. If I had a nickel for every time someone said to me “You’re not fat, you’re beautiful!” I would retire early. The crazy thing is, when they say that, they don’t listen to what they are actually saying Actually They are totally unaware of the cognitive dissonance. I used to just say thank you and move on, but now I am more willing to challenge this narrative by pointing out that two things can be true at the same time: beauty and fat are not mutually exclusive.

Facing the Fear of Fat Obsession

One of the undesirable side effects of being a confident fat person is being fetishized. I have come across this countless times online and in real life where someone has shown interest or attraction in me that has nothing to do with who I am or what they know about me. The attraction is about my size and shape. Because fatphobia is so prevalent in our culture, many people believe that fat people should settle for any They feel happy about the attention. However, fetishes are inhumane no matter who they are or why they are being fetishized. The most insidious thing about fat fetishists and so-called “fat chasers” is that few of them will admit to being attracted to fat people. Not only is fat fetishization inhumane and degrading, it is often done in secret. In my opinion, fatphobes and fat chasers are equally suspect and I generally don’t have the time or patience for them.

Obesity is a moral defect

Fatphobia and body negativity have gained a lot of attention in recent years and are now being called out and acknowledged more than ever before. These are all good things, but unfortunately, fatphobia is rooted in fear and disgust, two feelings that are difficult to change without strong motivation. In short, there is nothing in our culture that motivates people to fight against fatphobia. It has always been, and will likely always be, low-hanging fruit because colonial patriarchies like ours have very limited standards of beauty, which leads to an exaggeration of the importance and value of thin bodies. Ask any fat person and they will tell you that we are clearly disadvantaged and that if we don’t change our bodies to fit the cultural standards, we are seen as failures. It’s not just the physical failures that overshadow all other successes. If you are not fat and are reading this, you may be thinking, ‘why not just fit in and go easy on yourself? What’s the big deal?’ In my opinion, this attitude shows a complete lack of empathy and understanding around weight, metabolism, and social commentary.

There is no point studying body acceptance and the lack thereof without examining it through the lens of intersectionality. When we talk about obesity, non-obese people are quick to say that obesity is just a matter of thermodynamics, a simple equation of calories in and calories out. But ask anyone with an obese body and they will tell you how nuanced and complex obesity is. Over 80% of how our bodies are formed and how they metabolize energy and change over time is determined by genetics. The remaining 20% is made up of socioeconomics, family dynamics, trauma responses, disabilities, consequences of certain medications, access to health resources, access to health and wellness education and guidance, mental health, and more. To boil obesity down to a simple choice, especially one that is considered a moral choice, is not only narrow-minded, but also very outdated.

“But given what we know about obesity …”

People love to use fatphobic rhetoric to express judgment and control over fat bodies. It’s almost always packaged as a false concern that not being thin will limit our life expectancy, as if being thin is the only example of health and longevity. These statements and beliefs are not only extremely transparent and arrogant, but also extremely inaccurate. Being thin does not mean you are healthy, nor does it mean you eat well or exercise. Most of the time, people are thin because they would be thin anyway, because again: 80% is genetics. Tying morality to weight and size is so weird, and has a huge impact on those who do it. Of course, some self-loathing fat people will join the conversation and parrot the anti-fat people’s rhetoric, which is rather unfortunate. It’s always disappointing when you see this kind of voice coming from inside the room. Also, I really don’t know what fat people think they gain by trying to please their oppressors. They clearly don’t care if someone is fat, they just feel uncomfortable or disgusted by it. But why should they be uncomfortable? Why should something that has nothing to do with you make you upset? so uncomfortable?

They don’t want to see us happy.

In short, when anti-fat people see fat people being successful and living happy, healthy lives, they project their own fears about being fat onto the situation, revealing how they really feel. I frequently, almost daily, see posts and comments online where people say unacceptable things about fat people and obesity. An extreme, but common example is people saying they would rather kill themselves than be fat, they would rather die than gain weight, they would rather die than be seen as fat. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, however, what this implies to the fat people around them or those who consider themselves fat (regardless of whether they are fat or not) is that their life has no value because they are not skinny. If someone says they would rather die than be fat, I can only assume they would rather I die because of my obesity. This is probably not what they mean on purpose To communicate, but that’s what they say.

I have been dealing with the experience of having a fat body my whole life. I was active but chubby as a child, athletic but unmotivated as a teenager, and my weight and body image fluctuated wildly in my 20s and 30s. Now I am 42 and a half years old, and I am content. I have had annual checkups for the past 6 years, received a clean bill of health every year, and have been told to keep doing what I am doing. My body is not as strong, agile, or capable as it should be, and if I want to improve those areas, I can, and I will. But I will not make those changes just because the world thinks there is something wrong with my appearance, or questions the validity of my existence based on my body structure.

It took me a long time to understand and internalize the fact that no one owes the world a thin body. We don’t owe beauty or societal ideals to those around us. We owe ourselves authenticity. We owe ourselves patience. We owe ourselves acceptance and love. The journey to self-acceptance is long and it continues. There are good days and bad days, and there are days where I seem to forget everything I’ve learned and all the progress I’ve made. Other days, I can see a future so clearly that fatphobia isn’t even a topic anymore. Regardless of where our culture is on the topic of fatness, beauty, and self-worth, I’m happy to be in a place in my life where I regularly feel comfortable and at peace. It’s been a long road with twists and turns, ups and downs, but I’m proud of how my story has evolved and how natural this self-acceptance has become. If you’ve been on a similar journey, I wish you the best and hope that my stream of consciousness and personal ramblings can help you. Fat is not a bad word. No one is “bad” for being fat, and maybe the world isn’t ready for our self-acceptance just yet, and that’s okay. We are ready, and that’s what matters.