Christmas lingerie that’ll make you blush

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Tis the season for Christmas underwear that will either make you laugh or make you question whether people buy them for real or just because they’re crazy.

However, as I scrolled through the endless green and red, I noticed a unique set of categories emerging (at least they made sense to me). Let’s take a look.

Plus, I saved my favorite for last.

Category 1 – Creating a festive atmosphere

OK, let’s start with the rather “bland” Christmas lingerie. I find these are just panties that have some sort of festive vibe attached to them in some way – usually in the form of a print, color change, or embellishment. You’d see these in women’s lingerie. They’re the same sexy lingerie, but in a red color with white feathers and puff sleeves or something.

There is nothing wrong with these diapers. They are usually what most people buy for holiday fun. However, I do question whoever made the last pair. They look more like men’s diapers. But maybe that was the purpose? A little Christmas age game? I also wonder if the placement of the plush balls is strategic or just a measurement coincidence.

Category 2 – Jingle for your garbage

why not delve into what I like to categorize as “weird decorations for your private parts.” This grouping has a few characteristics that shouldn’t surprise anyone. First, most of the Christmas underwear here is for men. I guess it’s easier to dress up the little guys in creative ways. Second, most of the underwear can be found on Etsy, and some on Aliexpress.

You’ll also notice that there are a lot more knitting and crocheting options out there than one might think. I’m trying not to imagine a cute little old lady knitting penis sleeves like in the first photo. Still, they make great joke gifts or funny gifts (or just something wacky that we don’t want anyone to go crazy over).

Category 3 – Crude wordplay

Next up are the dirty talk panties. These are just Christmas underwear with some sort of nonsense wordplay. They are standard underwear and you can usually choose the phrase you want and then it’s printed on them (so the company can save on inventory costs). During the holidays you’ll see things centered around things like sperm white, eating, giving or receiving presents, balls, and bells.

You’ll also notice that after a while, there are certain phrases that all of these companies use. That’s not to say it’s a bad thing — it just exists. So if you want your partner to read “I’ve been a bad girl, now get me a present,” there’s a good chance you can find a thong with that design on it.

Category 4 – True Intelligence

Finally, we come to Christmas lingerie that I find really funny or clever – and that jaded people like me can get excited about wearing as gifts. Also, by the way, you’ll notice that I haven’t put any product links.

That’s because, in my experience over the years, I’ve found that these things expire quickly. So you may see a 404 much sooner than the actual product. If you really want a pair of shoes that appear in this post, just type in something that describes a shoe you like. Or, better yet, do a web image search (left click). Yes, it’s more work on your part, but it will last longer.

Christmas Vacation (1989)

My family watched this movie religiously every Christmas. Even when we were younger, our parents would ignore the lewd comments and crude jokes on this one day of the year.

So when I saw this “Bend over and I’ll show you” scene printed on a pair of underwear, I cracked up. If you haven’t seen it yet and you like goofy comedies, go see this movie!

Christmas balls

Okay, okay. I know I was being over the top when I said the dangling balls thing. But this picture of a tree with Christmas decorations and nipple clamps hanging from it is just so adorable that it broke through the wall of boredom I had been studying all day. The sparkling expressions of joy on their faces are just too precious too.

So if you have someone around you who likes this kind of thing, you can definitely find these boxer shorts (I don’t know if there’s a panty version though).

Summon Santa Claus

I’m getting a Nightmare Before Christmas vibe from these panties. I love the combination of mystery and holiday cheer. You don’t see that feeling in most products. That’s why I gave it my own twist.

I also think if you’re someone who’s really particular about holiday lingerie, it would work to start with Halloween.

So, that’s all! Some hilarious (and a few creative) Christmas lingerie to either make you happy or inspire you to buy something for someone. If anyone wanted to give me a gift, I’d pick the one for the Christmas holidays!