Bisexual Disaster – Violet Fawkes

Happy Pride Month, everyone! It seems impossible that it’s already June, but here we are – and here is Pride, in all its glorious celebration, and controversy. I’m feeling very much like a Bisexual Disaster, as per usual. It’s only the first week of Pride and I’m already overwhelmed and tired of the online discourse, wishing that I had both more time for it, and a hall pass to avoid it completely. (Although, the exploding confetti hashtag on Threads was a nice touch.) 

Bisexual Disaster, yes, but with no regrets

I’ve written about my complicated feelings about Pride and my own queerness and these things continue to be a theme. I recently confided in a friend that I’m ‘this close’ to dropping the label altogether and just letting the world assume I’m straight, which is what happens anyway. But I also know that it would be hollow and disingenuous, which is the antithesis of what I want to be and how I want bi representation to appear in the world. Like so many of you, I too am tired of bi-erasure and the gatekeeping that’s so prevalent in the LGBTQIA+ communities. But shutting up, and then shutting down, is not how we change things. I believe in the idea that we must ‘be the change we want to see’, but that’s so much easier said than done. I also don’t want to speak for groups that I don’t belong to, particularly during Pride, so this year I’m sticking to primarily discussing bisexuality and bi-erasure. Not only am I narrowing my focus, I’m aiming to take a more positive and productive approach. It’s easy to get bogged down by the ignorance that surrounds bisexuality, but I love being bi, and I love even more that I have integrated it into my sense of self. I’ve grown into my bi-ness, despite my frustration with labels, and it fits better than ever. 

Navigating the Bi and Pan Spectrum

As my relationship with my sexuality continues to evolve, it’s become very apparent to me that while “bisexual/bi” is the term I feel most connected to and comfortable with, I also operate under the widest possible definition, which on paper, looks closer to “pan/pansexuality”. Ultimately, these two identities can absolutely co-exist without conflict and they are defined similarly, but they aren’t exactly the same. Bisexual is attraction to more than one gender (which can also mean more than two!), and pansexuality is attraction to anyone, regardless of gender. For me, it’s hard to put such a fine point on something that in some cases, has not yet happened. By chance or circumstance, I haven’t experienced attraction to all genders yet! But I can’t rule it out, because ultimately, it’s about the person, not their gender. Sounds a lot like pansexual, right? And yet, referring to myself as pansexual doesn’t feel right. Luckily, we can define ourselves as much or as little as we like, and in whatever terms work best for us. Sally Corbett, of the Bisexual Organizing Project said it so well, in her article Bi, Pan, and the Insufficiency of Prefixes:

The Struggle Is Real

Regardless of how my bisexuality is understood or expressed, there’s lots to love about it. Sure, I bitch and moan about the plights of the bisexual community – all of which is very real, and totally valid! – but I also appreciate that it’s a contentious identity. No part of my identity, besides being cis, is particularly traditional or expected, so in its own weird way, being bi really fits. I don’t like or appreciate the preconceptions and willful ignorance that people show around bisexual people and topics, but alongside other bisexuals, I feel a lot of kinship and connection. The rest of the LGBTQIA+ is not always as welcoming, we seem to have critics both outside and inside the community, sadly. It’s an unfortunate choice when an already marginalised group sees fit to further marginalise its own members with gatekeeping and hierarchies, but alas, that seems to be a function of human nature more than something bound by gender or orientation. 

But There’s So Much To Love About Being Bi

The stereotypes get tiring, the erasure is soul-eroding, but still, I can’t help but love being bisexual. There’s just something so expansive and exploratory about it. It feels both subversive, and incredibly wholesome. For me, there’s a freedom, and accompanying relief, that the beauty I see in others can be connected to romantic, platonic, or sexual desire, but more importantly, it means the potential for different experiences with intimacy. And don’t even get me started on Bi4Bi connections! There’s something so magical about feeling fully seen and understood by another bisexual person that is truly soul satisfying, and quite honestly: healing. For me, at this juncture in my life, a sense of mutual intimacy and vulnerability is essentially non-negotiable and that seems to come more easily with fellow bisexuals, and queer folks in general. 

Onward and Outward

I may feel like a Bisexual Disaster but I’m more ready than I have ever been to lean in and let myself feel my sexuality, versus my natural inclination to analyse it. I’m taking Pride a day at a time, knowing full well that the rhetoric can be triggering, but also acknowledging that the desire for a like minded community is just as valid. Pride started as a riot, and we are still fighting, in big ways and small, within the community and beyond. The best I can do is keep moving forward, keep learning and listening and using this voice I have found … a voice that was so quiet, and so deeply buried, for much, much too long.

Bisexual Disaster

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