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Anal Sex: A Deep Dive | Minnesota Sex Therapist Part 2

In the photo, a man strokes his beard with his hand and looks off into the distance. Sex and relationship therapists in Plymouth, Minnesota can help. Read on to get help in Plymouth, Minnesota 55369 | 55361 | 55391
18 Aug


So you want to spank it in the ass? Now what?

Well, there are at least two possible lingering obstacles. For cisgender heterosexual male readers in particular, you may be wondering whether curiosity about or even enjoyment of anal sex makes you gay. 1) It doesn’t, and 2) it could be a perfect opportunity to examine underlying homophobia you may be perpetuating. Sexual orientation is often much more complex than a single sexual behavior, often encompassing romantic or emotional preferences. Furthermore, if you come to the (correct, I think) conclusion that there’s nothing wrong at all with being a gay male, then you’re more likely to fully enjoy all that anal sex has to offer.
You may also be worried about poop. Be honest, don’t be shy! It’s okay. As I said, bad things will happen, and if you want to minimize their occurrence, I recommend checking out my previous blog “The Back Door Is Open!”


(Anal) Sex Worth Having

Image of an opened pack of condoms and a bottle of lubricant. If you're curious about how to prepare for anal sex, a sex and relationship therapist in Plymouth, Minnesota can help. Read on for tips on preparing for anal sex

So we’ve identified some sexual limits that restrict anal sex (“threat to masculinity” and “messiness”). Potential pain is of course another limit; I think if something hurts you, you’re going to hate it (I’m guessing no one is reading this with their hand on the stove. Unless you’re interested in it, as long as it’s safe and consensual, I’m the last person who would stop you or gross you out!).
The late, great sex educator and host of Talking About Sex, Sue Johnson (R.I.P. the Force, thank you for sticking with me on late night TV shows I shouldn’t be watching!) was fond of saying “If anal sex hurts, you’re doing it wrong.”
Although this is Generally speaking Accurate, but I think not enough. As I briefly mentioned in “Backdoor Open,” there are two ring muscles that control the sphincter, and one is more controlled than the other. There is a fair amount of stretching that occurs during anal sex, and if you ram something or someone into it like you see in porn, it can be painful. As Sue also famously said (and I’m paraphrasing here – it’s been a good twenty years since the days of Talk Sex…), “lube is your friend.”


Start small and grow as you please

I would say it depends on what you are inserting, I stand by my advice to start with something very small, as long as it has a flared base, the pain level will probably be manageable and will most likely lessen as you become more familiar with the sensation. Obviously everyone has a different tolerance for pain and it is vital to listen to your body and take a break if the pain becomes unbearable.
Dr. Emily Nagoski, author of the bestselling book Whatever You Want, has written an extremely eloquent description of “sex worth having.” The general idea is that, in order to desire Sex, it has to be sex you’re genuinely and unambiguously interested in, or worth having. I’m not sure if she’s ever considered anal sex, but I think it definitely applies here. The mind is your most powerful sex organ—not anything between your legs, sorry!—and a natural curiosity and acceptance of this kind of sexual exploration will probably get you pretty far. Which brings me to a further consideration: Discuss anal sex with a partner or partners, especially if someone has reservations.


The more people the better!

Generally speaking, anal sex is a great way to share. The anus is a prominent erogenous zone, chock-full of nerve endings, not to mention prostate stimulation. So giving and receiving pleasure of any kind can be a powerful way to foster intimacy between partners. And, just as there can be, and often are, stark differences in sexual desire between partners, there can also be huge differences in people’s ideas about and approaches to anal sex.


Understanding anal sex helps

Picture of a banana with a condom and a winking face with the thumbs up. Butt plugs can make anal sex preparations more comfortable. Still have questions

Education, whether it’s resources like this blog, working with an empathetic clinician, or something else entirely, can lay the foundation for exploration. If we’re using attachment theory as a framework, building a secure foundation and feeling safe enough to initiate new behaviors is essential. Empathy is key, too; rather than attacking your partner’s reservations or resorting to defensiveness, work to truly understand their perspective. Consent is always paramount. Even if the end result is giving up on exploration, you’ll likely come away feeling emotionally closer, which is a win in my book.


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