1 Hour with an Intimacy Coordinator: What We Learned

Intimacy coordinators are everywhere these days. Fans follow them on their favorite TV shows to see if spicy scenes come up and if the actors keep talking about them. But what does it feel like to be one of them? What can we learn from them about connecting with others? Recently, I was able to sit down with my friend Micah, an Intimacy Coordinator of Theater and Live Performance – and here’s our conversation.

NOTE: The following conversation has been edited for length and clarity.

How did you become an Intimacy Coordinator?

Micah: I got into art in high school—like a lot of people.

Matt: Yes, confirmed!

Micah: Theater kids love talking about what they did in high school! From that point on I decided to try and keep producing and then for various reasons including lockdown I took a break. I think I entered more queer adult spaces to find community and form relationships that I had never experienced before. Since then I have realized there is a real gap in the representation of queer people or any identity in “my lived experience” in many Australian theatres.

So I learned 100 percent from taking sports classes in high school all the way up to getting a degree that dealt with culture and communication, and that’s one of the things where all of that knowledge came together to make an interesting person about me. I have the ability to hold space for people.

What does space for people have to do with intimate attunement?

Intimacy coordination as a whole—and by that I mean any type of intimacy—should not be rushed into by anyone. There’s a real tension between people’s desire to see or watch something real and what people can really do on stage and what people feel comfortable doing on stage.

I would love to create a container or space for people who haven’t been through things to step in and teach people what it means to agree to do something. Or what consent generally means and the basic starting points for live performance.

What is the strangest thing that has ever happened to you as an Intimacy Coordinator?

Weird for vanilla people? I recently worked with BK Opera on a BDSM adaptation of Don Juan. I helped choreograph some bondage scenes, so B, using some discipline items, so D. There is some kind of leather tool. S – Sadomasochism, this has been really written into “Don Juan”. Great submission and dominance too. I tried to make it a depiction in every form, at least in a painting form. What do you call it?

Matt: Vignette?

Yeah, like a little sideshow. I did some work with leads, but not that much. I do a lot of work with choirs.

Matt: Because they’re the ones who set up the vignettes while the main characters are performing?

Exactly. So really working with those chorus members and saying, “What would you be willing to do? This is my idea of ​​how I want this scene to go, would you be willing to depict this scene on stage?” We’ve gotten to a relatively good level. This is opera, this is Australia, this is the first time it’s really been done. It could have been more in-depth in so many ways. But honestly, the actors did a great job!

To be able to say I was part of getting these people to do that on stage in Melbourne’s major arts venue is huge. Beyond that, it’s fair to say that the actors felt safe enough to do so on stage – with critics watching and, in some cases, family and friends watching the show along. In a way, it was really, really wonderful to be able to hold space for this project. It also gets great reviews!

Has your work as an Intimacy Coordinator changed the way you relate to people?

Oh, tons. I don’t think I really learned about consent in high school!

Matt: I didn’t.

I don’t think a lot of people do that. This is a huge change in the past 10 years. This is a huge change. So we’re entering the acting industry who may have zero idea about consent because they’ve never heard the term before or grew up around the Me Too movement and, honestly, still don’t do it sometimes. Don’t know what consent means.

Agreeing with it doesn’t mean you don’t live it. I think a lot of people my age and younger have a hard time identifying – like “oh, well, I have to agree to everything, so I can’t do anything”? This is something I see a lot in the various projects I work on. The voice within the media we consume over the past decade has been: “Consent matters.” Consent is important. Consent is important, but how do you ask for it and what is it?

To really break it down, consent is the ability to say yes or no. Actions always have consequences. That’s why it became an action. It always affects others. There are some better ways to do this. There are many ways to think about issues like intersectionality, tone, and how to address someone. But ultimately it’s important to be able to say, “No, I don’t want to do this.”

Read more: How to Make Consent Sexy by Amy Lewis.

We’re in this weird time where everyone wants to say yes to everything, but maybe doesn’t understand what they’re saying yes to. Or what their commitment means 10 years from now. That’s fine. You don’t have to think about everything. If we do this, no one will do anything. But being able to say “At this moment, I’m very interested in doing XYZ, this is what I want” or “I can always choose not to try something”.

Working as an Intimacy Coordinator has had a huge impact on me in my personal life. I don’t know if this is a social issue, but it’s hard for people to say “yes, I made a mistake”?

Matt: Well, we should be perfect.

Micah: That’s right. Perfection leaves no room for vulnerability. Perfection builds a wall. You can see performers doing this all the time, they’ve built up an image of someone – whether it’s someone they respect or themselves – and they’re very rigid.

For anyone who doesn’t like drama, how would you advise them to apply consent in their lives or sexual encounters.

Slowly. As cliche as it sounds, there is no fear. Because the worst that can happen is someone says no—and that’s a good thing. Because it means they trust you enough to say no. Another cliche, but saying “no” is still an opportunity to learn something, whether it’s about someone else or yourself. Being able to accept rejection and still have a very meaningful relationship with someone is really a sign of someone who can engage in anything intimate in a very mature way.

Maybe start with something very, very small, like asking “Is it okay if I touch you like this? Like this”. Maybe not “yet” yet. If you don’t feel that way at the time, but you think you might be open to it in the future, you can say, “Oh, not yet, but thanks for asking.” If you have the ability or opportunity, you can offer something in return. You never have to give anything back, but you can always say “I feel this way and I need support.” There’s nothing wrong with asking for support, whether it’s from a partner, a professional, or anyone. I think the loneliness that a lot of people feel really comes from isolating themselves and really being in their own head.

Matt: I think a lot of people are afraid to ask because they’re afraid they’ll get a “no.”

Micah: That’s the hardest thing, right? As the great Stephen Sondheim once said: “Keep a gentle distance.”

It’s about acknowledging that, yes, pleasure and intimacy are wonderful. They are not everything in your life. They are a big part of what I do, and humans must have them to survive, but forming a meaningful connection with someone is about more than just that. It can, which is cool. But if someone focuses their entire relationship on one thing they want, that may not always be a healthy approach to a relationship. If this is the case, perhaps you would consider hiring an expert in the field.

Read more: Desires, Fears, and Boundaries by Morgan Payne.

If you already know someone isn’t interested in something, it doesn’t hurt to check in. Constantly asking and making someone feel pressured to respond a certain way is harmful. At this point, just say, ‘Hey, I noticed you’ve been asking me a lot of questions about this.’ I’m still not interested. Thank you for your suggestion. ” or “I’m glad this is something you’re really interested in, but I’m not here right now. And I probably never will. “

It’s great to be able to address these issues in the early stages of any relationship when you’re able to. This can be very difficult when things develop later and your preferences and desires change. I think this is where a lot of people feel rejected.

Questions from our team – a lot of actors are talking about intimacy coordination. Some people hate it and say it stops them from being creative, others say it’s great and makes them feel safe and supported. What do you think about this?

This is a topic. For those who feel this stifles their creativity, I would say they are not working with the right intimacy coordinator. Or maybe something else was going on in that room. If someone feels suffocated in a creative environment, there’s something weird about the environment or the people in it. 100% of people can – again, people make mistakes all the time. People overdo it. Maybe that room doesn’t have the best boundaries.

History matters. Take me for example. I have experience in live theater and performance. If someone said, “Hey, come on this TV show and be an intimacy coordinator,” I would be like, “Well, no,” or at least not yet. I would also love to work in television and film, but not as a lead intimacy coordinator or lead consultant in that format. Unless that’s something I’m very comfortable with. It’s my pleasure. I can tell I’m not ready yet.

Matt: But you might have to do that if you didn’t have another job and needed a paycheck?

Micah: That’s right. I think the same thing happens with actors and creatives of all types. If you have to attend a show, that’s fine, do what you can, but try to keep yourself safe. This is what intimacy coordination means: doing your best to keep people safe with the time and resources you have.

You can follow Micah on Instagram artboy_m.

Author: Matthew Long

Matthew writes gay erotic novels, enjoys rope dancing, and is known for casually dancing in public. You can find him on Twitch under the handle MattLang, where he writes and talks about video games, sex, and politics. View all posts by Matthew Long