meta-emotions, emotion attunement, emotion resolution, relationship conflict, emotional support, communication strategies, Gottman Method, State of the Union, emotion cultivation, emotion coaching, emotional intimacy, conflict resolution, understanding emotions, emotional culture, couples therapy

This article was originally published on the Gottman Relationship Blog

Do your efforts to support your partner degenerate into arguments?

Perhaps you can relate to Elena and Tom below.

Elena: (sighs) Today has been… so hard. It feels like everything that could go wrong has gone wrong.

Tom: At least it’s over now, right? I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

Elena: (Feeling misunderstood). This wasn’t just a bad day. Today made me question whether I’m any good at what I do.

Tom: You think too much. You’re doing a great job! Why don’t you relax a little?

Elena: (feeling ignored) I’m trying to express my feelings and you’re just brushing it off like it’s nothing!

TOM: (defensively) I’m not ignoring it, I’m trying to help you get rid of it.

The conversation escalates, highlighting a core problem in their marriage: their meta-emotional mismatch.

“this [meta-emotional] Mismatch alone can predict divorce or stability within the next four years with an accuracy rate of up to 80%.
John and Julie Gottman, PhD, The Science of Couples and Family Therapy: Behind the Scenes of the Love Lab

Tom and Elena are experiencing a conflict between an emotionally attuned style (Elena) and an emotionally rejecting style (Tom). This pattern is a major cause of unresolved emotional hurt and, if not addressed, could destroy their relationship.

But what exactly are meta-emotions?

Dr. John Gottman describes it as how we feel our feelings. It includes our emotional responses to our own and others’ emotions, including whether we accept or reject them, how we interpret them, and how we respond to them.

Two Meta-Emotional Styles

Gibbon’s research on metaemotional patterns identified two different approaches:

A coordination model that emphasizes empathy and understanding
Ignore patterns and focus on logic and action rather than emotional involvement

These patterns often stem from our upbringing and the emotional culture of our family, shaping the way we process emotions as adults.

Emotion-coaching environments teach us to value and understand our emotions, while dismissive environments keep us focused on logic and actions we can take rather than understanding emotions. As Tom and Elena saw, this mismatch can lead to unhealthy conflict.

“Our research shows that the biggest incompatibility in relationships is how people think about negative emotions.”
John and Julie Gottman, PhD, The Science of Couples and Family Therapy: Behind the Scenes of the Love Lab

In my work with marriages, I call this pattern the “head vs. heart problem.” One partner tries to communicate with his or her emotions by expressing them, while the other tries to solve the problem with reason, either through logic or action.

This dynamic can therefore lead to both parties feeling misunderstood and the conflict escalating. The party seeking emotional accommodation will feel emotionally neglected, while the party preferring a more logical approach will feel that their intentions are misunderstood.

When Tom senses that Elena is blaming him for firing him (a tactic on his part to try to provide support), he instinctively defends his actions. This defense only exacerbates Elena’s feelings of isolation and neglect. Without effective communication and resolution, their relationship faces significant challenges.

Solving the Meta-Sentiment Mismatch Problem

Meta-emotional mismatch can be addressed using a structured approach developed by the Gottmans.

step 1: Understanding must precede action.

The first step is to acknowledge these two approaches. understand and action Thinking about emotions is valid, but its effectiveness depends on the right timing.

Being attuned to each other’s emotional states can provide partners with the necessary foundation to take actions that are beneficial to the relationship.

The best structured way to accomplish this is to utilize the State of the Union meeting:

Mutual Understanding: State of the Union Session Part 1
Reaching a Compromise: State of the Union Session, Part 2

Through the State of the Union, even the most action-oriented partners can learn to understand the other’s values before making suggestions, and the reconciled partner, feeling understood, can take action. This can transform conflict into a calm and harmonious experience for both parties.

Step 2: Create a shared emotional culture in your relationship

This step is especially important in families, where the emotional dynamics between parents and children affect the harmony of the entire family. The Gottmans recommend learning emotion coaching.

For partners who neglect emotions, learning and practicing emotion coaching can not only strengthen trust with their children, but also strengthen the connection with their partner and promote deeper emotional intimacy.

For emotion-regulating partners, reframing their partner’s action-oriented attempts as strategies to improve the situation can help them become more present with emotions that used to overwhelm them.

Step 3: Explore Emotional Cultivation

Addressing metaemotional mismatch can also be accomplished by discussing each partner’s emotional experiences during childhood, including how they were comforted and how their parents responded to their emotions (e.g., anger, sadness, happiness, fear, love).

By understanding each other’s emotional growth, you can develop the empathy and understanding to make a difference in your marriage.

Step 4: Practice Emotion Regulation and Action

Practice emotional connection skills, such as sharing emotions and listening through ritualized emotional check-ins (e.g., stress-relief conversations and State of the Union) to maintain and strengthen emotional bonds.

After taking these steps, Tom and Elena’s interactions changed:

Elena: Today is such a bad day. Everything seems to be going wrong.

Tom: That sounds difficult. Do you want to talk about it?

Elena: Yes, that would be helpful.

This shift from conflict to connection demonstrates the power of understanding and resolving metaemotional mismatches. By creating an environment of emotional attunement and action, couples can more effectively navigate challenges and lay the foundation for a resilient, connected, and respectful partnership.

FAQ: Meta-sentiment mismatch

Q1: What is meta-emotional mismatch?
A: Meta-emotional mismatch occurs when partners process emotions differently. One partner may be emotionally sensitive (empathetic and understanding) while the other may be emotionally cold (logical and action-oriented). This mismatch can lead to conflict and misunderstandings in the relationship.

Q2: How does meta-emotional mismatch affect interpersonal relationships?
A: When partners have different meta-emotional styles, it can cause one partner to feel ignored and the other to feel misunderstood. This can lead to escalating conflict, emotional distance, and undermine the stability and intimacy of the relationship.

Q3: What are the two main meta-emotional styles?
A: There are two main styles:

Emotional coordination: Emphasizes empathy, understanding, and emotional engagement.
Emotional Dissipation: Focuses on logic, action, and moving past emotions without getting deeply involved.

Q4: How should couples resolve the problem of meta-emotional mismatch?
A: Couples can address this mismatch by taking several steps:

Understand first, then act: Acknowledge the validity of both approaches and focus on understanding emotions before taking action.
State of the Union Address: A structured approach in which partners discuss their feelings and work toward a compromise.
Creating a shared emotional culture: Provide emotional coaching to foster deeper emotional intimacy.
Explore emotional cultivation: Discuss each partner’s childhood emotional experiences to build empathy and understanding.
Practice emotion regulation and action: Share emotions regularly and listen through ritualized emotion checks.

Q5: What is the State of the Union Address?
A: The State of the Union meeting is a two-part process developed by the Gottmans to help couples understand each other’s emotional states and reach compromise. It includes:

Mutual understanding: Partners discuss their feelings and validate each other’s emotions.
Reaching a compromise: Partners work together to find workable solutions that respect the emotional needs of both parties.

Q6: What is emotion coaching and why is it important?
A: Emotion coaching is a practice where partners and parents validate and understand emotions rather than ignore them. This is essential to building trust, emotional connection, and a supportive emotional environment in the family.

Q7: How does emotional nurturing affect relationships among adults?
A: Our emotional upbringing shapes how we handle emotions as adults. Understanding each other’s emotional experiences as children can help partners develop empathy and create healthier emotional dynamics in the relationship.

Q8: Can couples successfully overcome meta-emotional mismatch?
A: Yes, with effective communication strategies, understanding, and a willingness to adapt, couples can overcome meta-emotional mismatch. Practices such as State of the Union meetings and emotion coaching can transform conflict into opportunities for connection and growth.

Q9: How does practicing emotion regulation and action help?
A: Couples can maintain and strengthen their emotional bond by regularly sharing their emotions and listening to each other through emotional check-ins. This practice helps prevent misunderstandings and fosters a mutually supportive and respectful partnership.

Q10: Where can I learn more about meta-emotions and relationship strategies?
A: Resources such as the Gottman Relationship Blog and “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Dr. John Gottman provide valuable insights and strategies for understanding and improving the emotional dynamics in a relationship.