4 things to consider when choosing a therapist

Sex therapists are so cool. If I were religious, I’d say they’re “doing the Lord’s work.” Instead, I’ll just say they save lives – because I truly believe they do.

Sexual shame and trauma are so insidiously evil that they can go unexamined for years or even decades—festering inside, often destroying relationships. Sex therapists help their clients tap into and examine these strengths and hopefully heal from them.

As I’ve told you before, finding the right therapist can be really tricky, especially if you’re queer, trans, kinky, and/or non-monogamous. That’s why I’m so excited that there are now searchable databases of sex-positive practitioners online, like today’s post’s sponsor, LifeSexplicit, a hub for sex and relationship experts including coaches, therapists, and educators. yeah!

If you’ve been thinking about hiring a sex therapist, sex coach, or similar, there are some questions you may want to ask yourself before you start your search to help clarify what you’re looking for…

What help do you need?

Maybe this seems obvious – but sometimes our problems can feel so overwhelming that we may not actually know what they are yes. Maybe spend some time journaling or talking with a friend or partner about the experiences/thoughts/feelings that led you to consider sex therapy. Having clear language about your current struggles will be excellent It helps when you reach out to a practitioner.

It’s okay if the scope and focus of your treatment eventually changes. For example, when I started working with a new therapist in 2020, I thought it was primarily to address issues surrounding polyamory, but the deeper we went, the more it became clear that my struggles were rooted in childhood trauma, codependency, and interpersonal Intercourse. – Delightful – so that’s what we ended up doing the most. Try writing just one or two sentences to express what you mean think For now, your problem is letting potential therapists know what kind of help you are seeking.

(If you are looking for pleasure To clear up your confusion, lifesexplicit has a bunch of sex quizzes on their website that might get your neurons firing. For example, their “Do I have a healthy attitude towards sex and intimacy?” quiz told me that I may have issues with sexual insecurity and shame, which is… sadly accurate! )

What methods are you interested in?

You may not know the answer to this question, and that’s okay if you don’t – but it can help you narrow down your available options to decide what to do type The treatment you are seeking. For example, you may know that cognitive behavioral therapy hasn’t worked well for you in the past, so maybe you want to explore a more alternative approach.

It’s worth noting here: While professional, board-certified therapists may be great, they’re not the only ones with useful knowledge that can improve your sex life. Some of my most important lessons were taught to me by relationship coaches, sexual bodyworkers, sex workers, and even tarot card readers. I love that lifesexplicit includes traditional psychotherapists as well as polyamory coaches, tantra teachers, sex educators, breathwork facilitators, and more.

What are the deal breakers for you?

Choosing a therapist or coach is a very personal process, and it’s perfectly okay to have high standards (as long as they don’t restrict you so much that you can’t get the care you desperately need!). Spend some time thinking about your must-haves and deal breakers so that you can convey this information (if needed) when communicating with the practitioner you are considering hiring.

For example, some people may prefer to work with a therapist who has: life experience For queer, trans, kinky, polyamorous, etc., and for others, a practitioner’s first-hand experience may not be as important as the types of clients they have worked with and the knowledge they have accumulated. Some therapists list this information on their profiles on sites like lifesexplicit, but if they don’t, you can usually ask them during the initial consultation call.

What does an ideal “heal” look like for you, and Why Do you want to be healed?

Before starting trauma therapy, I thought a lot about the symptoms I was experiencing—dissociation, conflict avoidance, intermittent panic, etc.—but almost never what those symptoms were. Opposite These symptoms are: Peace, Calmness, Strength, Self-Sufficiency.

I’m not a therapist (at least not yet…), but I think it would be helpful if you could be specific about the outcome you want – whether it’s something tangible, like preventing a looming divorce, or something more abstract Stuff, like feeling confident. It’s always easier to work towards a goal when you know what it is yesthis is especially true when another person helps you achieve those goals.

But also think about it, Why You want to be healed. There were times early on in my therapy process where I felt like I was being dragged kicking and screaming (figuratively) into each session, like I was just solving my problems because it would make me more Easily accepted by the people in my life. . But this is not a useful attitude, and certainly Not an attitude that encourages growth and healing. I need to find out why I Want to become better, in order to I. Others may indirectly enjoy the effects of my therapy, but first and foremost, my therapy must be something I do for the sake of it I ——Once I understand this, whenever I encounter difficulties, I can reassure myself and remind myself what I am fighting for.

This post is sponsored by the lovely people at lifesexplicit! If you’re looking for a good sex therapist or other sexual health practitioner to talk to/collaborate with, check out their database of quizzes, books, resources, and sex-positive providers. As always, all words and opinions in this post are my own.

Relevant