Women are afraid of commitment

Fear of commitment is a common psychological problem regardless of gender. This stereotype often means that men are more likely to exhibit commitment phobia. However, women can experience this too. Women’s fear of commitment, also known as “homophobia,” can stem from a variety of factors and can have a serious impact on women’s romantic relationships.

For example, a fear of commitment may be deeply rooted in a person’s past experiences or trauma. For example, physical or sexual abuse in childhood, a painful divorce from oneself or a parent, and other traumas. All of this can lead to a fear of repeating similar patterns in their own intimate relationships.

Understanding women’s fear of commitment

Women’s fear of commitment can manifest itself in many ways. For example, some women may repeatedly break off relationships when they become serious, avoid making long-term plans, or appear unable to make decisions about the future. They may also choose partners who are emotionally unavailable or incompatible, ensuring that the relationship does not move in a committed direction.

In my clinical experience, women’s fear of commitment manifests itself in three primary ways. These relationship patterns are: Flame Out, I Will Make You Love Me, and Chase Me. We’ll describe each of them with real customer examples.

Three Fears Women Have About Commitment: The Flame Goes Out

This is one of the most common types of fears about committed relationship patterns. You meet someone, there’s a lot of sparks, and he says all the right things! Wowyou think to yourself, He is different; He is the One. You are taller than 747. Then you jump in the sack and have urgent, exciting, maybe even unprotected sex. He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. You talked for hours and he understood you in a way that no one else could. Some of the texts he sends you are wonderful – short love poems (about you) that make your heart flutter. You guys had a great weekend together. Then Kaput. Finito. nothing. You sit there alone, making no excuses for his texts, emails, or phone calls.

Artist Ginger, 28, describes her fear of committed relationships

Justin seems almost the opposite of my ex. Very talkative, very expressive, and very sensitive. I have a feeling he might be a bit like my brother-in-law John – a really good guy. We were on the phone together for five hours during our first call. He said he couldn’t stop thinking about me and that he had never met a woman like me.

Over the next few weeks, Justin began crying about his “feelings” for Ginger. How amazing he felt when he was with her. Just as Ginger starts fantasizing about a simple sunset wedding on their favorite beach, Justin disappears into the dating netherworld and is never heard from again.

Women’s Fear of Commitment: Pattern #2 I Will Make You Love Me

The challenge of changing and winning over someone with “potential” excites you. When you meet someone you like, you immediately work overtime to get him: jump into bed, cook exotic dinners, even buy him playoff tickets. When you are with him, you are not yourself. In fact, you are too busy trying to be the image of a woman you think he wants. You are his love slave, cook, healer and savior. But one thing is that you are not real, a real person with real needs and desires. The ones you hide. You might feel like you’re less lovable, or that you’ll become a liability if you start asking for things.

All you want, at least consciously, is for him to stay and never leave you. What you get is a phone that will never ring with a text from him. Ironically, your over-giving may even land him in the arms of the girl who needs his attention lately! When you finally get the bad news through the grapevine, you’ll be completely confused by how stupid men can be.

Thirty-three-year-old nurse Sheila said this:

I’ve only had a few truly lasting relationships. The worst part is that with every experience, I feel like I’ve lost myself, my friends, and my entire identity. I would go home and do whatever he was doing or hang out with his friends. I feel damaged but I want the relationship and really love this person. The weird thing is that somehow, in every relationship, the person comes to the conclusion that we are very different people, so we break up and go our separate ways.

Women Are Afraid of Commitment: Pattern #3 The Chase I

You meet a man, have great sex in his king-size bed, open yourself up not just sexually but emotionally. Everything is unfolding perfectly. It’s perfect. After a cozy couple and three hours of confession, you instinctively leave. Almost against your will, you found yourself running away, secretly hoping that he would catch up to you.

Your fear of commitment surfaces like the Loch Ness Monster and begins to take over. You withdraw, become unapproachable, distant, or quiet—or you act crazy and dump him. Even though he acts loving, you insist that he doesn’t really care about you. It happens almost against your will and for no particular reason.

“Chasing Me” is filled with fear. When you start falling in love with someone, you eventually break up with them before they hurt you. This way, you can control your heartbreak. What you really want is for the man you care about to break through the barricades you’ve put up and claim you on his white horse, even if you’re halfway around the world in Tokyo. But you never told him. You let him let you down. Because if you push him away, he will stop chasing you. You say to yourself and your friends, “I’ve always known it.”

Women’s Fear of Commitment: The Case of Xiangzi

Shoko, a 40-year-old successful litigator, describes her fear of the committed relationship model:

John is an up-and-coming superstar attorney whose law firm is our recurring adversary. I love watching him work, even though we’re in different positions. One day, after dinner, we went to my house and hooked up. I think I had maybe four orgasms (I had never had multiple orgasms before that). John and I were kindred spirits. We got each other without having to say a word. After four weeks of great dating, he used the “L” word and for some reason I felt completely turned off. I had a three-month assignment in Vegas and he came to visit me regularly.

We discussed moving back in together in Chicago, but just to be sure, I told him to go out with other women in the meantime. I don’t know what prompted me to say that, but when he asked me if I was kidding, I said no. I think I wanted him to hold me in his arms and tell me how ridiculous that was. Instead, he puts on a sad look on his face and leaves. I never told him how I really felt about him and gave him very little encouragement. I heard he got married, while I was still waiting for Mr. Right.

Women’s Fear of Commitment: The Bottom Line

So, those are the top three fears about committed relationship patterns that push men away. As you can see, these types of patterns can really work against you in love. It’s good to ask yourself, am I unconsciously stuck in any or these patterns? If the answer is yes, then make a conscious effort to break your old self-defeating patterns by dating the opposite of your type. Date different people – they may not be what you normally stick to! Or people who like you better than you did before! Or those who love to claim you when you are gone. If you find yourself starting to act in a self-sabotaging way, nip it in the bud!

Women’s fear of commitment is a significant issue that deserves more attention and understanding. It’s important to remember that when it comes to making a commitment, everyone moves at their own pace, and what seems like fear may simply be a person’s need for more time. However, if fear is hindering your ability to form and maintain healthy relationships, seeking professional help can be a valuable step forward.

In fact, there are tons of resources for you. Have a breakthrough session with one of my expert dating coaches via phone or Skype. Our team has helped tens of thousands of singles break self-sabotaging relationship patterns and find the love that’s right for them. To continue getting transformative blogs like this one, subscribe to our free weekly newsletter.