Why do open marriages fail?

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Why are we so obsessed with open relationships? I’ve spent the past two years writing about them, venturing out on Reddit, wading through Instagram comment sections, and talking to experts and open relationship veterans who describe the incredible highs and devastating lows that can come with this emerging but still not mainstream relationship style. I can tell you one thing for sure: Observers love to see open relationships fail.

It’s a classic example of schadenfreude, or perhaps the shameful satisfaction we get when someone who dares to challenge social norms gets a harsh reality check. Whatever the reason, the forums are filled with commenters shaking their heads at “yet another” public relationship gone wrong. There are some stereotypical storylines: Husbands want “permission” to cheat, only to find out that their wives are more popular on the dating scene. One person’s crush on a new partner is a little too strong; one half of a couple breaks their open relationship rules; one partner wants to make their relationship public as an excuse to cheat.

The peanut gallery loves throwing stones and retelling storylines, but the reality of why open relationships fail (and a reminder: not everyone fails) is much more complex. Often the problem isn’t sleeping with other people, but rather not investing enough in the primary relationship in the first place.

Why do open relationships fail?

It’s no secret that open relationships can fail for many of the same reasons as monogamous relationships: “Poor communication, lack of trust, poor conflict management skills,” explains Dr. Jasmonae Joyriel, a licensed clinical psychologist at Ignite Anew. But there are specific ways these issues can cause problems in open versus monogamous relationships, and some of the reasons are unique to open relationships.

One partner is not yet fully involved. “I think the biggest pitfall is moving too fast,” Choi Leal said. This means entering into a relationship before both parties are ready. Overcoming initial insecurities, establishing boundaries, figuring out how to communicate with each other — all of that takes time to establish, she said. This also shouldn’t be a decision you make under pressure from your partner. “Before you agree to an open relationship, be completely honest with yourself if it’s something you want, or something you feel you need to agree to in order to appease your partner,” says Laurel van der Toorn, LMFT, clinical director of Laurel Therapy Collective. “If it’s the latter, an open relationship may do more harm than good.”

You have no clear, realistic boundaries. Boundaries are necessary in any relationship, especially one that is open to other partners. “The most common mistake I see in couples is having vague or vague expectations about boundaries, transparency, or emotional intimacy,” says Lisa Chen, LMFT. “They began to have an open relationship, but it turned out that they often didn’t see eye to eye.”

There is a lack of communication between you. Good communication is also crucial for all relationship types. Open relationships, in particular, “require strong emotional regulation, honesty, repair skills and genuine trust,” Chen said. “When one partner moves beyond what they believe to be true, the arrangement breaks down.”

You (or your partner) are cheating. Yes, cheating can happen in an open relationship, depending on the boundaries you and your partner set. “Just because a relationship is open, doesn’t mean it won’t be affected by infidelity,” van der Thuyn confirmed. “When you’re in a relationship with other partners, it’s crucial to have a clear, mutual understanding of the boundaries of your relationship. Is this openness purely sexual? What if one of you starts to develop romantic feelings, or confide in the other?” Not acting within the boundaries you set “can be devastating,” Joylier adds—especially if the relationship structure is new to you, and especially if infidelity becomes a pattern.

You are running away from your emotions. An open relationship is not an excuse to avoid difficult conversations. “Some well-intentioned people may use open relationships or polyamory as a barrier to true closeness and vulnerability,” Vanderturn says. “Vulnerability and openness are key elements of a satisfying relationship, regardless of structure.”

You made the relationship public to cover up deeper issues. Likewise, it’s not a good idea to go public with your relationship just to save it. No matter what problems you have in a closed relationship, they don’t go away when you open it. “If a couple already has problems with communication, resentment, or desire differences, making their relationship public will often widen rather than repair the rift,” Chen explains. “An open relationship doesn’t mean rescuing a failed relationship.”

You are tired. From a practical perspective, you only have so much time and energy in a day. Jorill notes that “fatigue with one or more relationships” may be the real reason why open relationships don’t work. Likewise, if there is no synergy between all of your relationships and partners—for example, individual partners are aligned on expectations and boundaries—maintaining an open relationship will be difficult and onerous.

3 Tips for an Open Relationship

That being said, open relationships can and do benefit people. Of course, there are no hard and fast rules (or set of rules) to ensure you do this, but the experts we interviewed offer some concrete tips to point you in the right direction.

Check in regularly. Did we mention the importance of communication? Open relationships require “a lot of planning, communication and trust between two partners,” Chen says, because they can trigger “attachment trauma and insecurities. This structure can work if the partners are absolutely clear about their needs and communicate clearly.” Joyriel recommends checking in regularly and adjusting the boundaries and expectations of your relationship as needed. “Just like in other areas of relationships, we are constantly evolving,” she explains. “Partners need space to reflect on what’s working and what might need to change. The agreement is like a living document that may need to be revised from time to time. That’s totally fine.” Bottom line: You need to discuss issues as they arise and be consistent with what you want.

Set clear boundaries. Kristen Mosier, LMFT, says an open relationship is more than just seeing who you want, when you want. “Successful open relationships establish clear boundaries before inviting others into the fold.” Would you just have sex with other people? Or is it okay if emotions are involved? Do you and your partner want to know the details of each other’s dates, or would you rather keep it a secret? You need to be clear about your expectations for the relationship and make sure your partner is on the same page.

Try therapy—as a couple or individually. If you’re looking for help, therapy may be a good place to break down those boundaries, Mosier says. “Sometimes this requires resolving disagreements or differences to negotiate mutually beneficial parameters,” she noted. If you struggle more with your attachment style and have insecurities or jealousy, Mosier recommends individual therapy “so the troubled partner can work through the feelings that are coming up and decide they’re comfortable moving on.”

As an example of an effective open relationship, we will mention Molly Roden Winter. this New York Times –bestselling author more We’ve shared a lot about her open relationship over the years, but one of our biggest takeaways is the way she and her husband remain flexible to their changing needs and desires. After starting out with several “rules,” including not falling in love with anyone, Winter said they now have just one: They support each other emotionally in every decision they make.

“We have complete freedom to live our lives how we want,” Winter told SheKnows, “but we care about each other emotionally and respect each other. So if I make a choice and it affects my husband and upsets him, that doesn’t mean I do Bad choices were made, or I had to change what I was doing, but part of my job as his wife is to help care for him.” That could mean simply listening with an open mind, being kind and loving, or changing her behavior so that it works for both of them.

Every relationship is unique and operates by its own rules and expectations, and an open relationship is no exception. It’s just about finding what works for you and your partner and committing to each other through it. “There are many versions of what ‘open’ means, from allowing flirting to weekend passes to ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ to polyamory,” Jorill agrees, calling it a “highly customized” approach to relationships. “For many couples, an open relationship is healthy and satisfying,” she says—while also requiring healthy communication, trust, and vulnerability.