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Kink/BDSM at its core is an exchange of power between consenting partners through a series of activities and roleplays, also known as scenes and sessions. BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. There are always two sides to the exchange: the Dominant and the submissive. The Dominants hold the control in scenes, whereas the submissives give up control in scenes.
As the previous blogs have spoken about, Dominants and submissives have many different styles and work together to create a fulfilling scene and/or dynamic. But how do you begin to talk about what you want from a scene or dynamic? How do you make sure everyone is safe? In this blog post, I’ll be going over the ways to be safe and to negotiate for what you need and want in kink.
The Best Scenes Are The Safest Scenes
Safety is the number one rule in kink and BDSM. And not just physical safety but mental and emotional safety as well. Safety and concern for your partner within BDSM is the line that separates consensual acts from abusive and manipulative acts. There are many different guidelines and philosophies for safety within kink. It’s important to find one that fits your practice and lifestyle, as each has pros and cons.
First, the most basic philosophy is Safe, Sane, and Consensual kink (SSC). This is the oldest ethical framework that exists for kink practice and came around even before BDSM and the community was truly a thing. This framework has a main focus on keeping individuals safe from harm, both physically and mentally. However, it lacks the spectrum that safety can exist on between completely harmless to extremely risky. And is it not up to the individual to decide what is safe enough to risk?
That leads to what’s called Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK). This guideline took the previous ideas of Safe, Sane, and Consensual with the added factor of understanding the inherent risk to some kink activities. Consent is still the main component, but it understands that some kink practices, such as needleplay, can be inherently risky. It’s up to the individuals engaging in it to be aware of those risks and create as much safety as there can be within those agreed-upon scenes.
The next philosophy that builds on the previous two is called Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink (PRICK). This framework of course includes consent as well as being informed of the risks, but it adds another layer: personal responsibility. This is an important aspect of kink and boils down to being responsible for your own safety by informing your partner of your limits, and the risks involved, and using safe words when needed. It stresses that it is not just one person’s sole responsibility, usually the Dominant, to keep everyone safe in the scene. Each partner has a responsibility to each other and themselves to keep everything as safe as possible.
Words to Stop and Words to Go
Safe words are words or physical signals that are used to indicate how you are feeling emotionally, mentally, or physically in a scene. Safe words are generally used as a way to stop a scene when one or both partners need the scene to end for any multitude of reasons. A lot of times, individuals come up with an agreed-upon safe word that will indicate to the other person to immediately stop what they are doing and move to aftercare. However, there are also safe words that are used to let the other person know to either keep going or slow down. Safe words at their core are used to indicate how someone is feeling and don’t have to be used to only stop a scene. Many individuals use what is called the stoplight method. Green means to keep going, yellow means to slow down or check-in, and red means to stop everything immediately. This is a great way to keep the line of communication open during scenes and check-in, instead of waiting for someone to call out red or a hard stop safe word. Safe words are important communication tools and are directly in line with the PRICK philosophy of it being partly your responsibility to keep yourself safe.
Drawing A Line In Sand And A Line In Stone
Limits are important to discuss early on in dynamics and always need to be discussed before scenes so that important boundaries are not crossed. There are two main types of limits: soft limits and hard limits. You may be thinking, well a limit is a limit why differentiate? It is important to differentiate the two because they have very different meanings. Hard limits are boundaries that under no circumstance can be crossed. These can be things such as triggers, acts that you don’t wish to participate in, physical limitations, or even names you don’t want to be referred to as. Hard limits are never up for negotiation and must be respected by a partner at all times. If a partner attempts to push the boundaries of a hard limit that is a major red flag in that dynamic.
In contrast, soft limits are things that you might be willing to explore or discuss. They aren’t things that are triggering for you or things that will cause mental and/or physical harm. They are typically acts or scenarios that you find some interest in but aren’t ready to explore yet, or they are acts that you don’t love but don’t hate and are willing to discuss their use. For example, let’s say you don’t love to kneel in the corner as a punishment, but you feel okay with your partner using it with your consent. That could be considered a soft limit that is discussed between both partners on how to use it. Soft limits are not something that should ever be crossed without your explicit consent and may be something that you never wish to cross. That’s okay. They aren’t set in stone as things you will try in the future. You can always change your mind about them and take them off the table at any time. They are also something that can be discussed and negotiated with a partner, but ultimately you have the final say about the soft limit.
Exploring who you are in kink and BDSM can be new and exciting, and even a bit scary. There is a lot that could go wrong in a scene and it is important to become as informed as possible of not just the risks of a scene but of your own needs and wants within kink. It is important to always advocate for those needs and wants in scenes and dynamics while respecting your partner’s needs and wants. Finding your likes and limits takes time and practice, and it’s okay if you don’t know them all right away. Safe words are not only built in for when something goes wrong but for unintentional boundary crossing. Things happen no matter how safe you are and it’s important to keep communicating with your partner when things arise. BDSM is all about consensual play, and continuing to learn more about it is the best way to keep you and your partner safe.
Sign On The Dotted Line
Negotiations are putting everything I discussed above into practice. Negotiations are not just a one-time thing and should continue to happen throughout the relationship/dynamic. Communication about limits, likes, and safe words is always something that needs to happen before scenes and always while in a competent unimpaired headspace. This means discussed while sober, but it also means discussed without any type of power exchange weighing on the conversation. When negotiating, individuals are equal in their power so that one or both are not influenced to try and please the other. It is especially important that submissives feel safe during these negotiations to say no and state their limits and boundaries.
There are many different ways to do negotiations. Many individuals find it helpful to fill out forms that can indicate their likes, soft limits, and hard limits. Usually, the forms have a space for each partner and can help facilitate discussions around matching likes and limits or contrasting likes and limits. Additionally, some individuals like, and even require, there to be a contract for a BDSM dynamic. It can sound scary, but it is made for the benefit of both parties, not to trap a submissive. It lists each person’s important likes and limits as well as the expectations for each person in the dynamic. It can also sometimes list rules for submissives, and what is required of their Dominant such as aftercare practices and check-ins. There is no wrong or right way to negotiate as long as it’s done in a safe and consensual manner before engaging in kink with another person.
Explore In A Safe Manner
Exploring who you are in kink and BDSM can be new and exciting, and even a bit scary. There is a lot that could go wrong in a scene and it is important to become as informed as possible of not just the risks of a scene but of your own needs and wants within kink. It is important to always advocate for those needs and wants in scenes and dynamics while respecting your partner’s needs and wants. Finding your likes and limits takes time and practice, and it’s okay if you don’t know them all right away. Safe words are not only built in for when something goes wrong but for unintentional boundary crossing. Things happen no matter how safe you are and it’s important to keep communicating with your partner when things arise. BDSM is all about consensual play, and continuing to learn more about it is the best way to keep you and your partner safe.
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References
Adriana. (2023, March 24). SSC, Rack, Prick & CCCC: Safety in BDSM Guide. Bad Girls Bible.
