When “non-porn” is still porn

Scott Brassart

Well, I need to give credit where credit is due: I first heard about the concept of “Not Porn” from my friend Tim Stein, a highly regarded sex addiction therapist in Santa Rosa, California. Ever since I first heard Tim discuss this idea, it’s been ingrained in my brain, and I’ve incorporated it into how I think and talk about porn addiction. This topic comes up almost every day.

For example, a betrayed partner recently told me that her husband, a recovering porn addict, had not watched porn in seven months. She then said he had replaced the hardcore images he had seen over the years with Instagram photos of outfits and photos of the couple ogling neighbor women on their nightly walks (among other places). The wife feels this is still a betrayal and that her husband has not yet recovered from his porn addiction. Her husband disagrees because he doesn’t watch actual porn.

This is where the concept of “non-porn” comes into play. For porn addicts, “non-pornographic” refers to images of people who are not nude or actively engaging in sexual activity (in other words, images that are not technically pornographic), but are used in the same way that addicts use porn. A porn addict can use “Not Porn” to escape into the land of sexual fantasies, a “bubble” in which stress, boredom, shame, fear, and other forms of emotional discomfort disappear, just like he or she used to with real porn.

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when this happens deliberatelylike browsing Instagram to see hot (but clothed) pictures, the addiction is alive and well. Of course, through therapy, 12-step meetings, and other support groups, an addict may recover, but he or she may still exhibit addiction. It’s like an alcoholic who decides to take control of his problem by switching from vodka to beer. “If I stay away from the hard stuff, I’ll be fine, right?”

Wrong. Addicts still use some form of addictive behavior to escape their emotions. This is what addiction is all about.

Unfortunately for porn addicts, the world is filled with “non-porn,” making it difficult to avoid. That’s why I italicize the word deliberately Just now. If some trigger event pops up while I’m channel surfing, I don’t reset my wake clock. But I also don’t stop at channels with triggering images. I don’t look for it either. For example, game of ThronesNo matter how great this show is, it’s not off my watch list. It’s not porn, but for me, watching it felt like watching porn because the images easily pushed me into escapist sexual fantasies.

At this point, sex and porn addicts may be wondering where “non-porn” fits into their sexual sobriety plan (their Three Circles Plan). For me, it just happened that the trigger image was in my yellow circle. It’s slippery and I need to take the opposite action, but if I’m not intentionally looking for it and I’m not triggering action by continuing to see the image or looking for more images, then I’m not showing it. Intentionally using non-pornographic content is another matter. If it’s not porn that I go looking for, or persist with after stumbling across it, that’s active addiction and red circle behavior.

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If you or someone you care about is struggling with sex, porn, or substance/sex addiction, help is available. Seeking Integrity provides inpatient treatment for people with sex, pornography, and substance/sex addictions, as well as low-cost online work groups. Meanwhile, SexandRelationshipHealing.com offers a variety of free webinars and drop-in discussion groups, podcasts, and more.

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