What romantic comedies teach us about relationships: Psychological study

Here’s how to write your own blockbuster romance.

Psychologists reveal some of the biggest things people can learn about their love lives from romantic comedies.

Eli Finkel, a psychologist at Northwestern University and author of “All or Nothing in Marriage,” and Paul Eastwick, a social psychologist at the University of California, Davis ) focuses on attraction and intimacy, examining useful relationship techniques from classic romance. -coms and published their findings in a new report.

“We hope that famous movies (‘When Harry Met Sally,’ ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ and ‘Contenders’) will serve as Trojan horses to sneak serious ideas and scientific evidence into the public discourse about relationships. discourse,” the two told the Association for Psychological Science.

In the latest episode of the duo’s show “Love Factually,” they explain the different lessons the movie has taught them, from negative reciprocity and building intimacy to relationship essentials.

“As psychologists, we primarily study how people subjectively experience their relationships, but relationship science also extends to related social science subfields such as sociology, communication and family studies,” they said.

The first lesson is the destructive power of negative reciprocity in a relationship.

“I have to admit, I’m particularly partial to ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind,’ which almost saved my relationship with my then-boyfriend (now husband),” Jessica Stillman told The Firm wrote in a review article. “But obviously I’m not the only one who has had a relationship with them [emotional intelligence] This strange but touching movie made me grow up. “

In Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, a negative reciprocity occurs between two characters, a dismissive exchange that is met with a disproportionate response, but if you want a healthy relationship dynamic, This behavior is not encouraged.

Relationship experts Finkel and Eastwick warn: “If I lash out, and you lash out, and then I lash out about this, and so on, we’re going to end up in a very serious argument that often portends With divorce.”

Although negative reciprocity is scientifically proven to be a recipe for disaster, taking five minutes away from an argument can help defuse the situation, according to a recent study published in Communication Psychology.

Another important lesson is to build intimacy through mutual self-disclosure, which helps strengthen relationships. An example of this can be seen in Before Dawn, where a young traveling couple, Jesse and Celine, exchange profound questions and answers throughout the evening.

This approach allows couples to ask each other a series of thought-provoking questions that gradually become more intimate, increasing their emotion and intimacy.

“You say one thing, and then I say one thing. We each take turns self-disclosing, sharing private information, personal information about ourselves. That’s, on average, where you really get the deepest attraction and connect with each other,” the scientists continued.

Eastwick and Finkel agree that “Before Sunrise” is a good example of this encouraged concept.

“The film is so well done that it’s almost like a tennis match, with the back and forth of who’s sharing personal, interesting information about themselves,” they added.

Finally, certain behaviors should be demonstrated in relationships with changing interests.

Eastwick and Finkel admired the relationship aspect of “La La Land,” which showed how a couple shapes each other as they work together.

Men noted that people tend to have a list of qualities they seek in a partner, but that list never really aligns once they find a romantic interest. Instead, the two will adapt to each other’s preferences.

“We think we want someone who’s already prepared to share our values. But it’s more useful to think about the ways in which partners share and shape each other,” Eastwick and Finkel share.

In La La Land, for example, the couple has different tastes in music. Seb is passionate about jazz, Mia is not. However, the more time they spent together, she eventually became enamored with the genre. This dynamic could have been a deal-breaker at the beginning of their relationship, but it ultimately fizzled out.

“Relationships are co-created by partners. It is not something that can be distilled into the characteristics of two partners—distilled into something pre-knowable. To a large extent, that’s how partners see it,” Eastwick and Finkel said.