What life in a gender-free marriage has taught me

Honestly: When you get married for a while, life has a way of crowding sparks. Intimacy often takes up a backward relationship between occupation, children, older parents, hormones and fatigue. I know. I lived in a sexless marriage for nine years.

But here’s the fact: sex is not only gone—it quietly fades away when we stop feeding. For women from the late 1930s to late 1950s, the silence surrounding this issue may be isolated. If you yearn for intimacy again, I want to tell you that this is possible and worth fighting for.

Start with a small spark

For me, it starts with thigh-high stockings.

Things about sliding a pair of silky pairs made me feel sexy again – powerful, alive and connected with the version of myself that I almost forgot. My partner likes their feelings, too. I will never forget the expression he looked as if he was surprised when he first made him wear them. This tiny choice opens the door to more things.

The truth is, if that’s not your business, you don’t need underwear. Maybe it’s soft cotton, bare shoulders, or even just a confident text. The key is to rediscover what you Feel attractive – not to anyone else, but to you.

Porn is not only for young people

You don’t have to be over 25 to send lightweight messages. Between “Can you pick up dog food?” and “Plumber’s 3 o’clock”, slipped away, I still see you, you still let me open me. Remind your partner that they are more than just co-parents or roommates. From day one, you’re still watching them.

I do this often. Sometimes it’s sweet – sometimes it’s spicy. A recent favorite? “Take a shower and be naked until I get home. It works. (PS: We have some porn templates here to get you started.)

Kissing is underestimated

You had a good 10 minutes last time, no agenda, no hurry?

Long-term, slow kissing is one of the most intimate and forgotten tools in a long-term relationship. ni, laugh, explore each other’s lips as if you knew them again – this is the magic to strengthen endorphins, relieve stress.

Find romance in routine

Cook together. Fold side by side laundry. Dancing in the kitchen.

It’s not about making grand gestures, it’s about retrieving the moments of the hour. As I stood beside my partner cut vegetables, I wrapped my arms around him and kissed his neck. He often turns around to me Look. Intimacy can begin with the sweet gestures of the dishwasher.

Speak loudly – Kind and clear

The biggest change was when I stopped expecting him to read my thoughts.

“If you kissed my neck, I’d love it.”
“I want to come up like we used to.”
“I like verbal, not sexual intercourse – can we play around?”

If you want to go back to sex, even if it feels awkward at first, you have to talk about it. Communication is not only practical. It’s sexy when done with tenderness and curiosity.

Learn together (yes, even from YouTube)

Once, I was curious how to make verbal more comfortable and fun. Curiosity brought me to a channel called YouTube askmygirlfriend. My partner and I looked at it and found something called “Come Here Finger”. I just said – G-spot orgasm does exist, and sexual behavior will never be boring again.

There are some resources that aren’t creepy or daunting. Just real people help real couples. Watch together? Surprisingly hot.

Reconsider porn – as per your terms

Porn is not for everyone, but it is not inherently bad either. Watching alone can help you rediscover what excites you – and then, if you feel comfortable, invite your partner to join. There is moral, female-centered, and even eroticism there. You can explore. Hey, that’s how I learned to do something magical in my feet in silk stockings.

The final thought

If you are reading and thinking, But this doesn’t sound like us anymore I want to tell you: It’s possible again. It requires energy, vulnerability, and sometimes creativity. However, you should feel wanted, longed and energetic in your relationship.

Because life is too short to have cold beds and silent bedrooms.

The post was originally posted on Blogher in January 2017.

Before you go, check out our list of 69 (Nice) must try for gender positions: