Upon receiving an unsolicited

Earlier this month, I received a creepy email from a stranger with the subject line: “Check your Insta inbox.”

The body of the email was: “You are a master, could you please rate me?”

I immediately had a gut feeling and knew what it would be – an ad*ck pic.

Surprisingly, hidden in the dark corners of my Instagram DMs was a message: “Jana Jana Jana!!! Since you are a master, haha, please rate me”, accompanied by an unsolicited picture of his genitals in the bathtub. His hand proudly holding his skinny Woody, standing in knee-deep water. Oh, and some very unique leg tattoos. (Rookie mistake, you should never send nude photos with details that could reveal your identity).

It was all very strange and very mundane.

I had had enough of strangers sending me dick pics—especially this creepy guy who had gone to the trouble of tracking down my private email. So I decided to take action.

I clicked on his Instagram account, and sure enough, it was a business account for custom motorcycles. Oh, and it had his cell phone number on it. Winner.

I took a screenshot of his email and posted it to my Instagram with the caption: “So I looked…yeah, it’s a photo of an ad. And yes, he found my email too. Feel free to send (I tagged his full Instagram name here) a **middle finger emoji** on my behalf. Not today, Satan.”

I knew he would get mad after seeing my post, and I expected my fans to give me the middle finger. But what he did next made me even angrier.

As expected, within minutes he sent me a desperate direct message, begging me to remove the post. However, the two words he kept repeating made it clear he hadn’t received the message.

Our communication is as follows:

Him: “Please delete it.”

Then he sent me a video of his bank account. I kid you not.

Him: “I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you for my stupidity.”

Him: “I thought you were a free spirit.”

Now, I need to take a moment to explain why his “free spirit” comment was so infuriating. This guy clearly lacks common sense and has somehow convinced himself that because I write about sex positivity and advocate for people to accept and explore their sexual needs, it is perfectly acceptable for him to send me an unsolicited picture of his penis. He didn’t even ask for my permission to show me his penis.

Back to the news just now…

Me: “How dare you send me something this disgusting.”

Him: “Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”

Me: “I didn’t ask for that.”

He: “I didn’t mean to do that.”

Him: “I thought you were a free spirit.”

Huhuhu…there’s that “free spirit” thing again. This really doesn’t help his case. Damn it, I thought to myself. If he keeps using that excuse, I’ll keep posting.

Him: “I’m sorry, I’ll make it up to you for my stupidity.”

Yes, dear reader, I do believe he is trying to bribe his way out of public disgrace.

Me: “Never send a woman a picture of your penis.” (I really wanted to scare him a little).

Him: “I just thought you were a free spirit Jana.”

Him: “Okay, I heard you!”

Me: “This is sexual harassment.” (again, angry at the “free spirit” excuse).

Him: “Okay, it is.”

Him: “Please delete it.”

Him: “I’ll make it up to you because I was so stupid.”

Him: “I always saw your stories and thought you were a free spirit.”

Him: “I almost missed it.”

Me: “I don’t want compensation, I want women to stop being harassed by people like you.”

Him: “I totally missed the free spirit memo.”

Him: “Look, I apologize Jana and I hope I didn’t ruin your day. Please delete your story. I promise I won’t send you anything like that again!!!”

Me: “But you keep saying ‘free spirit,’ this isn’t about being a ‘free spirit,’ this is about not wanting to be sexually harassed on your Instagram or email.”

Him: “I’m wrong, I’m a business owner and this will ruin me. Come on, I’m only 24.”

OK, now I know I’m going to delete this, but I really wanted to get the message across, so I responded:

Me: “Say you’re sorry and you’ll never send a woman an inadvertent dick pic again.”

Him: “I’m sorry, I will never send casual photos to women again.”

Me: “…Don’t ever contact me again, you bastard.”

Him: “Thank you, I’m sorry, Jana.”

Me: “I’m going to delete this and block you. Now get lost.”

Him: “Thank you, I’m so sorry, you have no idea how much money you’ve saved me and my business. Thank you. Thank you!!! Thank you!!!”

Just like that, I blocked him and deleted the post.

Looking back, was I a little tired, hormonal, and having my period coming up? Yes. Do I regret it? Absolutely not.

So, men, for the love of God, could you please stop sending your creepy, unsolicited penises to the women (strangers!!!) you follow on Instagram?

Like I said before, they’re not cute. They don’t excite us. We don’t want to see them.

Bro, you asked me to rate it so I’m going to rate it publicly now. I give it a 3 out of 10. Oh, and your bathtub needs a good scrub.

Jana Hocking is a columnist and collector of “Similar Boyfriends” | @jana_hocking