Anyone who has spent any time in a non-monogamous society has encountered this type of straight man. He’s a very common archetype: a guy with big dreams for an open relationship (“It’s going to be great. It’s basically like being allowed to cheat.”), but soon realizes it’s not what he imagined. Often, his intentions are not entirely pure, or he has convinced his partner to redefine the relationship and she has reluctantly accepted the idea. Either way, he’s very ignorant and overconfident.

Now, before you get all “not all men!” join me, I’m going to give you a little spoiler: this article is super duper pro-man. I’d like to see men have healthy, extensive, life-changing non-monogamous relationships if that’s what they want to pursue. But I also know, through experience and observation, that our culture does not set anyone Set yourself up for success in non-monogamy, especially in heterosexual relationships. Why? Because non-monogamy, including practices like open relationships, polyamory, and swinging (yes, these are all different, and no, this is not an exhaustive list) challenges traditional relationship norms. It invites partners to explore connections Exceed Exclusivity, emphasizing communication, trust and emotional growth. Non-monogamy can offer transformative opportunities, but many people find it uniquely challenging. These difficulties stem from cultural conditioning, social expectations, and internal struggles that leave some people grappling with big questions without knowing how to find the answers. So if you relate to the archetype and feel offended, check it out for yourself, but it’s okay not to know what you don’t know. Do you know? OK

Let’s take a deeper look at why straight men may struggle with non-monogamy and how they can work to overcome these obstacles.

Cultural conditioning around masculinity and possessiveness

Just like “cannot see the forest for the trees”, it is difficult for us to know how much influence the culture in which we live has on us. From a young age, straight men are inundated with cultural messages that associate their masculinity with control, dominance, and exclusivity in relationships. Movies, music, and social norms often portray romantic partners as prizes to be won and kept, thereby fostering a sense of entitlement in relationships. This conditioning can make the idea of non-monogamy feel threatening and counterintuitive to even the most unmasculine of men. In fact, they may feel confused and frustrated by how closely their insecurities and fears are tied to gender norms.

In the traditional monogamous relationship model, exclusivity is equated with love and fidelity. For historically monogamous straight men, Embracing non-monogamy requires unlearning these entrenched narratives and reimagining partnership as a collaborative rather than possessive dynamic. This shift can be uncomfortable because it challenges long-held beliefs about emotional security, commitment, and self-worth.

Jealousy and fear of comparison

Jealousy is a common obstacle in any relationship, but in non-monogamous arrangements it often takes center stage, especially in the beginning. This sentiment is often amplified by social pressure to tie men’s self-worth to their sexual prowess. Non-monogamy’s openness to other relationships may trigger concerns about inadequacy, leading to issues such as:

Am I enough for my partner?
What if they find someone more attractive, more successful, or more skilled?
What if someone else’s strengths highlight my weaknesses?

Limited emotional support network

Emotional resilience is crucial to coping with the complexities of non-monogamy. However, heterosexual men often lack strong support networks compared to women and non-binary individuals. Because traditional masculinity discourages emotional vulnerability, many men don’t have a safe space to share their feelings or seek advice. In a new non-monogamous relationship, partners may face strong emotions such as jealousy, fear, and uncertainty. Without a support system of friends or peers to help process these feelings, straight men may have difficulty coping, leading to depression or withdrawal from contact. There’s also the issue of the emotional labor his partner will have to do without enough trust and depth of friendship to support him. Creating emotional connections outside of a romantic relationship can be a critical first step in managing the big feelings that are an inevitable feature of the non-monogamous landscape. Ironically, non-monogamy, by its very nature, promotes community. But to participate in the community, you must learn how to be a part of the community. This is a great example of how living under patriarchal values hurts us all, even men.

The pressure to “get together and date the gap”

In non-monogamous circles, there’s a phenomenon often referred to as the “poly-dating gap.” It’s an extremely common experience that women in non-monogamous relationships tend to receive a lot of interest from potential partners, while their partners find it difficult to make additional connections. Cultural narratives linking masculinity to sexual success exacerbate the problem. If a straight man has trouble finding additional partners, he may feel like he’s “failed” at nonmonogamy, even if his existing relationship is strong. Learning to separate personal worth from external validation is critical to overcoming this particular challenge.

Forget traditional gender roles

Traditional relationship models often position straight men as providers and protectors, roles that foster dependence and control. In contrast, non-monogamy emphasizes equality, autonomy, and shared responsibility. For men who are not used to recognizing or questioning their own privilege in relationships, adapting to these dynamics can be daunting. Non-monogamous relationships require open communication, emotional labor, and a willingness to embrace vulnerability. If you’ve been socially avoiding emotional introspection or deferring these tasks to a partner, these skills may feel alien to you. Unlearning these roles takes time and effort, but can lead to a more authentic and balanced relationship. Furthermore, this is not to say that every woman who engages in non-monogamy hates anything associated with traditional gender roles. However, non-monogamous spaces often overlap with queer spaces, where traditional gender roles don’t necessarily have the same cache as heterosexual, monogamous spaces.

The impact of sexual insecurities

Sexual insecurity is another common obstacle for men in non-monogamous relationships. In a culture that values sexual expression and competition, the idea of a partner interacting with others can trigger deep-seated fears. Men may worry that they are “poor” or that their partner will form a stronger connection with someone else. Unfortunately, common behaviors associated with sexual insecurities do little to re-attract your partner in a healthy way and may actually have the opposite effect. Overcoming this insecurity requires reframing non-monogamy as an opportunity for growth rather than competition. It’s also about promoting open conversations about desires, boundaries, and expectations. Couples who can discuss these topics honestly are better able to navigate the challenges of nonmonogamy together.

The importance of emotional intelligence

Non-monogamy requires a high level of emotional intelligence. Partners must communicate effectively, handle complex feelings, and handle ambiguity gracefully. For men who grew up in an environment where emotional expression was discouraged, developing these skills can be a steep learning curve. Fortunately, emotional intelligence is a skill that can be developed. Therapy, self-reflection, and conscious practice can help men become more in tune with their emotions and better navigate the complexities of non-monogamous relationships.

Growth opportunities

While the challenges heterosexual men face in non-monogamy are real, they also present tremendous opportunities for personal growth. By facing insecurities, questioning social norms and embracing emotional vulnerability, men can:

Develop healthier, more balanced relationships.
Develop greater self-awareness and resilience.
Redefine their masculinity to prioritize empathy, collaboration, and authenticity.
Find, create and cultivate a supportive community with other men.

Non-monogamy is not about eliminating challenges, but rather learning to navigate them in a way that strengthens the individuals involved, as well as the relationship itself.

Practical steps for straight men to cope with non-monogamy

For heterosexual men who are interested in or already practicing non-monogamy, the following steps can help resolve common challenges:

Self-education: Read books, articles, and forums about non-monogamy to understand its nuances and pitfalls. My Patreon is a great place to start.
Seek treatment: Working with a therapist can provide tools for managing jealousy, insecurity, and communication.
Build a support network: Connect with others, especially other men, practice non-monogamy, and share experiences and advice.
Practice open communication: Check in regularly with your partner about feelings, boundaries, and expectations.
Focus on self-improvement: Use non-monogamy as an opportunity to grow emotionally, challenge your insecurities, and redefine your relationship with your masculinity.

final thoughts

Non-monogamy requires men to confront social conditioning, insecurities, and traditional gender roles. While these barriers may feel overwhelming, they also provide An opportunity to break away from outdated paradigms and embrace fuller, more authentic connections. By approaching nonmonogamy with curiosity, self-awareness, and a willingness to grow, straight, cis men can turn these challenges into powerful catalysts for personal and relationship evolution.

As always, if this post has been helpful, entertaining, or sparked some joy, please forward it to a friend who will appreciate it. Likewise, you can help me create more sex-positive resources by buying me a coffee. Thank you for reading!