Should you tell your kids about your sex/porn addiction? if

Dr. Robert Weiss, LCSW, CSAT

Talking about our adult life issues with our children is no easy task, and many of us choose not to. This is especially possible when our adult life issues involve sexual activities. Unfortunately, keeping silent about serious problems like addiction can be harmful to your child. So, an age-appropriate conversation that lets your child know what’s going on, can be a big part of being a good parent.

The simple fact is that children are more perceived than most adults realize. When something is wrong with the family, they will feel it. If you are dealing with a sexual or porn addiction and the addiction has been revealed, there will be anxiety, stress and emotional instability in your home and you won’t be able to hide it. Therefore, they should know what happened. And, if you don’t tell them, they might think that family problems are their fault in some way.

Children are naturally self-centered, so they assume they would otherwise say they were the cause of conflict and alienation at home. They think: “Dad is not as concerned as he is. I must have done something wrong.” They think: “Mom and Dad are always fighting. If I weren’t this bad boy/girl, that wouldn’t happen.” Worse, if there is no intervention, they will bring these “I’m not good enough” messages with them for the rest of their lives.

Therefore, it is best to let your child know in an age-appropriate way that you have a problem and that you are working on solving the problem. If you are married or partner, the conversation should involve you and your spouse/partner. This solidarity show tells your children that both parents want them to know that it is an adult problem, not theirs, and that you are working on as much as possible.

As for what to say, the National Association of Alcohol Children shows that children of addicts need to know the following:

1. They didn’t cause it.
2. They cannot be cured.
3. They can’t control it.
4. They can take care of themselves by conveying their feelings, making healthy choices and celebrating themselves.

Communicating these simple topics reduces the burden of “blaming yourself” that children originally bear.

Depending on your child, your disclosure may stop. If you feel that your child knows that the specific nature of addiction will be caused, you may retain this information, choosing to keep the conversation non-specific. You might just say you have a problem and are working on it, which is why things seem to be a little “distance” at home. Then you can tell them that they are not causing it, they can’t control or fix it, and they can talk about their feelings.

If one or more of your children find porn on their laptop, see it six times on their phone or catch you in a show, you might need to be more specific, so to speak. Having young kids tell them you have done something wrong and violated the boundaries of the relationship, and now you are trying to get things right. For older kids, you can address the details, but it is best to go into details in a clinical way.

If you (and/or your spouse/partner) are struggling to tell your child what is going on, ask your therapist for help. A good therapist can help you (and your spouse/partner) reach a consensus on what needs to be disclosed and which language to use. You can then arrange family meetings to facilitate conversations and help your child understand and process the information you disclose.

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If you or a loved one is struggling with sexual, pornography, or material/sex addiction, seeking integrity can help. In addition to residential rehabilitation, we offer low-cost online workgroups for both male addicts and male porn addicts, which is a new rehabilitation. Click here for information about our Sex Addiction Working Group. Click here for information about our Porn Addiction Working Group.