Should I stay or should I go?

Tammy Wellhurst

A period song made famous by a British punk rock band conflict Lyrics like this started ringing in my head: “Should I stay, or should I go now? If I leave, there will be trouble. If I stay, it will be double…”

I know many people who are struggling with sex/porn addiction/infidelity and betrayal trauma may be dealing with these thoughts cycling through their brains. And there is no simple decision or convenient decision tree of “if this then keep; if this then keep”. If that’s the case then just go. “The advice many people receive from well-meaning friends/family members is not only unhelpful, but sometimes even harmful. Even if you choose to leave, you cannot take away the pain and sadness.

At Seeking Integrity we have extensive experience in helping people work through these issues and in particular we have created a series of webinars that can help. Everyone will make their own choice, but it helps to have good information to consider.

• Kristin Snowden gave a webinar on “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” I often quote her thoughtful talk on finding insights because of the questions she shared about thinking about it ( A diary (preferably) can provide context for where each person is at that time and the path forward. As progress (or lack thereof) occurs, these questions can be revisited.
• Debbie Allen hosts a webinar where two betrayed partners share their journeys – one choosing to stay and the other leaving the relationship. In this webinar, partners vulnerablely share their choices and the journey that can provide insights for those focused on what they need/want to do.
• Debra Doak offers a webinar on mediation for those considering taking steps toward separation or divorce (whether or not to proceed). Her guidance to stay but make a plan, or to leave but do so in the most helpful (and least painful) way, provides a roadmap for planning.
• Finally, in this series, Stuart Leviton offers a webinar on the legal aspects you need to consider when deciding to stay or leave: why you should contact a solicitor, when to contact a solicitor and what you can expect. As he works in this specific field and wears both a legal hat and a mental health hat, he shares how the legal system does not effectively address emotional issues, so having realistic expectations of expected outcomes is key.

This series of webinars will (we hope) help those struggling with the “stay or go” question, providing guidance on seeking professional help as needed.

There is never a smooth, easy path after infidelity, and having realistic expectations and support can help you achieve the best outcome despite the chaos and complexity of the situation.