Self-differentiation and the need to be right

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Why do we feel so strongly about our need to be right that we are willing to mess up our marriages to prove ourselves?

I ask this question as someone who has made bad choices many times. I’m getting better, but even forty years later it’s still a battle sometimes. Honestly, I find being with my wife more attractive than being with anyone else.

I’m sure there’s pride involved, but I think it’s more about self-identity. Lori and I have a very close relationship, which I love. But I think I need to separate myself from her. Psychology talks about self-differentiation, which is differentiating your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors from those of others in your family system. This is what our family of origin did when we were growing up. We may become more agitated with our wives if mom and/or dad make it difficult.

It’s good to be who you are. It’s good for your wife to be her own person. The trick is to embrace the differences between you and your wife in a loving and grace-filled way. Choosing to do this is a great place to start.

Follow these clues and remind yourself. Even if you’re right, being an asshole can make you wrong!

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